on de-lurking

I have been reading BDSM blogs for almost a year now. It’s amazing to me that I finally, at 50, found a place that I am ….that I feel…normal for how I feel.

Ever since I was little I loved to see women tied up, imagined it happening to me, feeling the bite of the rope on wrists and ankles, the fear of what would happen to me next…  During the 70’s, all those female-in-peril kind of drama’s  were de rigour, but instead of the hero rescueing the gal, all the time I kept hoping the bad guy would rape her, hit her.   Gosh, I finally put that into print…and no lightning bolt comin’ from that bright blue sky, either!

It was  finding Bondage Blog that started me, and where I  found the link to that wonderful blogster, cunt,  of  “Under His Hand”  fame.  She wrote, in a post I found archived somewhen, that she had always felt unsatisfied, or lost …I forget the exact wording, but it was written as if to me. *That* was how I felt. Feel. For I am forever locked into a vanilla relationship (of over 30 years). 

I’m not willing to destroy that relationship, nor my kids lives, to explore my newly understood fetishes. I discovered masturbating, just last fall. OMG! can you believe it??  Truly, the end of my 49th year was fraught with self-discovery. I liked sex! Self sex, to be sure, but I liked it and began to have many fantasies about  ugly awful  wonderfully dark things…and I have discovered that it is normal…in a kinkster kind of way!

 I’ve been lurking around so many wonderful, lusciously juicy webblogs, Vanillaimpaired, Doubleknot, on and on and on…and finally a few weeks ago, began to de-lurk. I AM vanilla, have never lived out my fantasies, so it must be rather weird for them to read my replies to their posts,  this Vanillamom  getting all wet and gushy over their stories of their Master’s desires and their yummy descriptions of playtime together.

 Oh, and although I have no desire to become a “domly one” I love  the “View from the Top” blog, in part because it shows the perspective for a Dom/Master .  Frankly, it is his writing, notably the Consensual Stalker stories, which I adore, and which is a massive turn on for moi!

Will I ever post HNT (half-nekkid Thursday) photo’s of me? dunno. That would be the next step in my journey. It makes my heart pound even to write what I’ve written so far…the D/s stories I’ve imagined and written in my head over and over, now out on the web to be viewed by others…voyeurism of the inside of my brain! I’ll think on this some more, continue to delurk, explore, self torture my tits and beat my own ass in private, as I masturbate to my darkest fantasies…and de-lurk myself into reality.