Thanks to everyone who made comments on my post about being found by a very special Sir. This post is about how I got there. To the cheating point.
Most of you know that I found this lifestyle by accident. The thoughts were always there, but I thought I was a bad girl. As an aside from this, a vanilla group I belong to, found a website by…damn I forget her name…where she paints women’s vaginas with paints, and then presses canvass to them…creating gorgeous, beautiful images. More than a classy artsy-fartsy cunt shot. Truly stunning work. Don’t believe me? Go to Curvaceous Dee’s blog and scan for her post on this…she was a contributor. Anyway, the woman who I’ve known for 10 years or more was scandalized. Now, this is a pagan group. Most of us have danced naked under the sky for rituals (not together, but in our various homes/covens/groups…) …but for some reason, the mons artwork offended her. I, the lone voice, said it was beautiful, and a lovely way to honor a woman’s body from the core, out. Thousands of nudes in museums across the world, and you’re gonna freak over a gorgeous amorphous painting of someones beautiful bits???? Anyway, this shows you how far I’ve come in my journey in this last year. I am free. This lifestyle has done that for me.
Does this mean I take my vows any less seriously? No. And it was …well, it’s impossible to tell you how hard to make this choice. I think I’d made it even before I got to know him. I knew in my heart of hearts, that if I had the chance to leap, I would take it. Life is finite. I want to sit in my rocker and remember this …awakening…and smile. A secret, naughty nilla smile. I’ve been writing this blog for just over 3 months…I’ve met many lovely people. And I’m glad for the dissenting voices, you know. It clarifies, in my mind, the why of it.
I think most of you know that my kiddo’s are all adopted. Wife and I had sex last just before we got the call to head to Chicago to get him. That was very nearly 6 years ago. Yes. You read that correctly. Six. Years. Ago. He was supposed to be a C-section, but he came early. When the last boy came home he was preemie by 7 weeks. He began co-sleeping w/us because he would stop breathing. Scary stuff. He slept most nights on nilla’s chest, curled (all 4 pounds of him) between my breasts. As he got older, he moved between us. Then my daughter came along. She was a terrible sleeper. She was born addicted (both were, actually), and her detox was much harder on her. Eventually, she and I moved downstairs to the guest room, where we slept for a year, she in her crib and me in the bed. My son, meantime, continued to cosleep w/my wife. Eventually the girl got her room, nilla tried to move back into wife’s bed, but (sigh, I hate to tell you this…) but nilla snores. As i’ve been told, like a freight train. (Fair warning Sir…no sleeping for nilla!) I disturbed wife, and son. Dau was used to it. 2 years ago nilla moved into her own wee room. it has a bed, tv which i never watch and a chair. I only use a bedroom for sleep anyway, so it didn’t need to be big.
So, even though I have hinted, talked about, and nearly pleaded w/wife, no sex. “It’s all about the kids now” she says. Fuck???What???
What about us? What about who we are as a couple? Our time?
“We had our time at the front end (true, we were together nearly 10 years before she convinced me to have kids …I love them to pieces, but I wanted time, too.) so this time is theirs.”
Yes, this is the actual conversation we had a few months ago. Before I met Sir. Before he showed me how ….sincerely caring a Dom can be. It’s about US he says, not just about him. He did not beg, plead or tease me to be with him. This had to be my choice. Nilla is tired of no sex. Nilla…this is so hard, folks…nilla is not always supported by wife. wife is often very negative. It’s hard. So, I give my family 100 per cent of me. From love.
But should there not be a point where nilla gets a little happy, too? I love when my son lays his head on my neck and tells me “you’re the bestest mommy ever, mom”….but that’s one side of nilla. There is a sexual creature here. She’s been coming out for awhile. More than this last year. but moreso in the last few months since I’ve been blogging. Free. That’s the word.
So while I appreciate your worries, know that I’ve been dealing with the ethics of my decision. I hurt about it. I can live with that. I’ll hurt when He clamps my virginal nipples. I can live with that, too. At 50, I’ve made my piece with my choice. If it comes back to bite me in the ass, so be it.
I’ll go live w/Chloe (lol!)