About Cheating…

Thanks to everyone who made comments on my post about being found by a very special Sir. This post is about  how I got there. To the cheating point.

Most of you know that I found this lifestyle by accident. The thoughts were always there, but I thought I was a bad girl. As an aside from this, a vanilla group I belong to, found a website by…damn I forget her name…where she paints women’s vaginas with paints, and then presses canvass to them…creating gorgeous, beautiful images. More than a classy artsy-fartsy cunt shot. Truly stunning work. Don’t believe me? Go to Curvaceous Dee’s blog and scan for her post on this…she was a contributor. Anyway, the woman who I’ve known for 10 years or more was scandalized. Now, this is a pagan group. Most of us have danced naked under the sky for rituals (not together, but in our various homes/covens/groups…) …but for some reason, the mons artwork offended her. I, the lone voice, said it was beautiful, and a lovely way to honor a woman’s body from the core, out. Thousands of nudes in museums across the world, and you’re gonna freak over a gorgeous amorphous painting of someones beautiful bits???? Anyway, this shows you how far I’ve come in my journey in this last year. I am free. This lifestyle has done that for me.

Does this mean I take my vows any less seriously? No. And it was …well, it’s impossible to tell you how hard to make this choice. I think I’d made it even before I got to know him. I knew in my heart of hearts, that if I had the chance to leap, I would take it. Life is finite. I want to sit in my rocker and remember this …awakening…and smile. A secret, naughty nilla smile. I’ve been writing this blog for just over 3 months…I’ve met many lovely people. And I’m glad for the dissenting voices, you know. It clarifies, in my mind, the why of it.

I think most of you know that my kiddo’s are all adopted. Wife and I had sex last just before we got the call to head to Chicago to get him.  That was very nearly 6 years ago. Yes.  You read that correctly. Six. Years. Ago. He was supposed to be a C-section, but he came early.  When the last boy came home he was preemie by 7 weeks. He began co-sleeping w/us because he would stop breathing. Scary stuff. He slept most nights on nilla’s chest, curled (all 4 pounds of him) between my breasts. As he got older, he moved between us. Then my daughter came along. She was a terrible sleeper. She was born addicted (both were, actually), and her detox was much harder on her. Eventually, she and I moved downstairs to the guest room, where we slept for a year, she in her crib and me in the bed. My son, meantime, continued to cosleep w/my wife.  Eventually the girl got her room, nilla tried to move back into wife’s bed, but (sigh, I hate to tell you this…) but nilla snores. As i’ve been told, like a freight train. (Fair warning Sir…no sleeping for nilla!) I disturbed wife, and son. Dau was used to it. 2 years ago nilla moved into her own wee room. it has a bed, tv which i never watch and a chair. I only use a bedroom for sleep anyway, so it didn’t need to be big.

So, even though I have hinted, talked about, and nearly pleaded w/wife, no sex. “It’s all about the kids now” she says. Fuck???What???

What about us? What about who we are as a couple? Our time?

“We had our time at the front end (true, we were together nearly 10 years before she convinced me to have kids …I love them to pieces, but I wanted time, too.) so this time is theirs.”

Yes, this is the actual conversation we had a few months ago. Before I met Sir. Before he showed me how ….sincerely caring a Dom can be. It’s about US he says, not just about him.  He did not beg, plead or tease me to be with him. This had to be my choice. Nilla is tired of no sex. Nilla…this is so hard, folks…nilla is not always supported by wife. wife is often very negative. It’s hard. So, I give my family 100 per cent of me. From love.

But should there not be a point where nilla gets a little happy, too? I love when my son lays his head on my neck and tells me “you’re the bestest mommy ever, mom”….but that’s one side of nilla. There is a sexual creature here. She’s been coming out for awhile. More than this last year. but moreso in the last few months since I’ve been blogging. Free. That’s the word.

So while I appreciate your worries, know that I’ve been dealing with the ethics of my decision. I hurt about it. I can live with that. I’ll hurt when He clamps my virginal nipples.  I can live with that, too. At 50, I’ve made my piece with my choice. If it comes back to bite me in the ass, so be it.

I’ll go live w/Chloe (lol!)

13 thoughts on “About Cheating…

  1. I’ve been lurking your blog for a bit and so have kept up with what’s been going on. That said, I want to let you know that it sounds like you’ve totally thought this out. While I don’t condone cheating, in my 41 years of life and 27 years of sexual activity, I’ve found there are times when, well, that it’s just not totally wrong. (Wouldn’t it be easier if life were black and white?) Your phrase “Life is finite” is so damned true. And you shouldn’t have to live half of a life. I’m happy for you and wish you nothing but the best with your Sir.


    • Thank you butterfly. It was a process that was not easy. It’s still not easy. And, it’s not supposed to be easy. When you make a committment to someone…it should stand. But …it should also be reciprocated, yes? That is NOT why i’ve come to this choice btw. I am not “reacting” nor “paying it back”…I can only do what is right for me at this time in my life. I really appreciate your de-lurking to comment on this. it’s been an interesting conversation.

  2. I guess my question becomes… If you can talk to your wife about the no-sex issue (which it seems a lot of couples can’t, so bravo to you!) why have you not brought up the subject of pursuing outside sexual relationships… I guess… I guess the whole thing confuses me a little. And I actually have many questions.

    Especially if… I guess if sex is the only thing missing, then are you pursuing a strictly sexual relationship with this man? That seems difficult and unlikely… But if MORE is missing in your marriage, and life is so finite, why stay in the marriage? The kids? Would your wife want to stay in the marriage despite no sex and no time to be a couple? Well, I guess apparently she does. So then I guess it becomes why not TELL her you want to seek an outside relationship, if she seems perfectly happy keeping up a relationship of roommates with you… I mean, would she care? A roommate shouldn’t care, and that’s what she’s acting like. But maybe she doesn’t FULLY see that. So if she knew you wanted to pursue a relationship elsewhere, if you told her before you did it, would it then give her the opportunity to change? Are you denying her that that opportunity? Or does it not matter to you because even IF she did change, made couple time, etc., you still feel the need to have another relationship?

    See. I have a lot of questions. I always do! I guess, if I were willing to talk to my partner about not having sex, about basically living like roommates… I’d probably try to talk about seeking an outside relationship to fill the holes, out of fairness to letting her choose whether she would want to stay in a relationship like that, or not.

    I… I…. *flaps arms*

    I just… I am clearly confused.

    *beams* I’m ALWAYS confused!


    • first, I love the arm flapping! And I get the confusion. Easy to clarify this one…my wife told me long ago that no matter how much she loved me, she could not ever condone cheating. if I cheated on her, it was over. fini. g’bye. So now you know why it was not an easy choice.

      We have a full long life outside of the bedroom. 4 great kids. A lovely home. Pets, friends, church…all the ‘stuff’ of life. We’ve known each other since…gosh, i think we were 14? 15? something like that. We were best friends before we ever became lovers. We lived together for a year as roommates before i ever convinced her to have sex w/me. And for awhile, it was hot. And every relationship goes through spates where it’s hot,and it’s not and then it’ okay again…but…not ours. It’s busy and full, and we’ve kind of become different people. I wonder sometimes if we will stay together after our kids are grown and gone (of course, but then I’ll be in my late 60’s…holy shit!) So who knows? Not I. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. (god, I hope not…I have to get to Sunday first!!!–nilla blows out a belly laugh…)

      I understand. And I appreciate the conversation. It just makes me all kinds of happy to know you care. *nilla smiles*

  3. Wow Nilla, I have tons of things to say to you. And I don’t know where to start. I’m sure you have given this a lot of thought. You aren’t a child and you have been with your partner a long time. So i am sure you have thought it out, examined the risks, and the benefits.

    Butterfly said above that even if some things aren’t exactly right, they aren’t exactly wrong either. I’m sure this is one of those things. Yes, cheating is wrong. But sometimes it’s more wrong to tell the person you are cheating on. It just hurts them needlessly. If you decide to trade in your whole relationship for this Dom, then it’s time to tell. And maybe you will decide that. It sounds like your relationship with your wife is based on a whole lot more than sex and/or perfect fidelity.

    Having said all that, I feel like I should say this too… not everything is the way it appears on the internet. He may seem better online than he is for real. Sometimes the grass is just greener on the other side of the fence. And Nilla, leave some details (anme, phone number locations) with someone when you meet him. Just in case. I’m sure he’s really nice. But just in case. And if there isn’t anyone you trust to leave them with in your real life, leave them with me ok? sublime_sin@yahoo.com
    Not that I don’t trust your perfect fling… but still.

    And yes, I would go for it.


    • you know I love you, right sin? nilla will send you an email w/pertinant info. I appreciate it. I think…no…I know things will be okay. We text (nilla *texting*????who woulda thunk it?!) every day…multiple times. Emails galore. He’s a marine. (retired…there are no “ex-marines”). But I will send an email…nilla promises! (crosses heart!)

      And oh, how I’m goin’ for it! I’m all kinds of shivery and nervous and …excited. I’m gonna be wet all week!! hee…

      • HA. I just have to add… Antonio is an “ex-Marine.”

        When he first told me he was an “ex-Marine” and I then told my brother, my brother nearly threw himself at me, LOUDLY telling me, “THAT GUY IS LYING TO YOU! A Marine would NEVER say he was an EX Marine!!!”

        I just sort of blinked at him, went to the computer, got a military.com account, and looked up Antonio. And yes, he had a service record, as a Marine.

        So I was just CONFUSED. I asked Antonio and he had a good laugh about it. Antonio has never ever been one to follow other people’s made-up “you gotta ’cause I say you gotta” rules. He was a Marine, he served and served very proudly, and now he’s not a Marine. Honorable discharge and everything, he just isn’t a Marine. He’s more apt to call himself a former Marine now, because while he sure as shit doesn’t care what they think of HIM, he didn’t want anyone else looking at ME and saying “Your man is a LIAR, girl!”

        It just always amuses me. He just doesn’t GET the whole “oh-em-eff-gee, you HAVE to say it THIS way,” as if men and women who are former members of the Navy, Army, Air Force or Coast Guard have any less pride for themselves, their service, or their country than a former Marine simply because they are capable of saying “yep, I’m ex-whatever.”

        It cracks me up all the time whenever someone says there are no ex-Marines. I’m dating one of them! Ha!

        Oh, hai, I’m telling stories in your blog. Whoops!

        And I’m sure if he were here, Antonio would send your dude a loud “Hoo-rah!”


      • chloe…you never, ever fail to bring a smile to me! I just adore you! I love that Antonio is a marine too (hoo Rah!)…

        shows we has great taste in strong men. Dontcha think? nilla winks, and means NO OFFENSE to any Doms out there who are not Marines, ex marines, former marines or otherwise. Just …. nilla was an Air Force brat and has a big thing about guys who wore/wear uniforms. (even ups guys do it for me, yanno? hee)

  4. Hi hon,

    First: the post you’re talking about this this one here – where my cunt is indeed used as a brush by Aphrodite; and additionally a picture of my cunt has been painted by Jackie Adshead. I think you may have conflated the two types of painting, but that doesn’t bother me – I adore both outcomes!

    As for the cheating. Well, I’m a massive fan of openness and honesty. But you know what? It took me about a decade of cheating – and being cheated on – in relationships before I came to that. I don’t condone lying to your wife. But neither do I condemn you for yearning for something you’re so obviously missing.


    • Thank you Dee…both for the link (that was such a marvelous piece …both the naughty bits and the artwork, hee!) and I could not *stand* that pagans were so friggin’ uptight. Traumatized. Fer crissakes?????? over a woman’s body? We “worship” (if you will) the Goddess…her vulva is often shown with people and water and life pouring from it…and you’re gonna slam someone for doing this?? Oh, gimme a break. (i’m pretty hot about this, actually…hmmmm)

      Thanks for the cheating thoughts. It is not easy. But you know what…our relationship is better. I’m a much happier nilla IRL for making this choice. How it will be after “first contact” I don’t know…I suspect I will be blissful. Really. But now that I’ve made the choice, have worked towards gettin’ there….I’m really truly happy for the first time in a really long time. Happiness is not something nilla takes for granted.

      Life is so short. And it’s okay, once in awhile, to take a tiny piece of it for yourself.


    • The artwork is fabulous isn’t it? I’m not sure I have a place to hang it, but I have something similar, though slightly less explicitly “cunt” hanging in my kitchen. I wonder if I have the nerve to go the extra step and hang one of those…

      Thank you very much for the link.

  5. I wanted to voice my support and echo butterfly. I do not condone butunderstand and have experienced similar situations. I cheated because I was missing something…

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