Why Does Doing the Right Thing Hurt?

Dateline: Saturday

Nilla is at work, talking on the phone to a very old, very dear and beloved friend that i’ve lost connection to…and we’ve reconnected! If there is anyone that i can share the “who i am now” with, it’s her. After that call, a text comes in from Sir to call.

We chat and banter, knowing that the next day is our playdate. He is so funny. Makes me laugh. And i can make him laugh, too.

It’s a slow slow slow day at work. I’m all alone in this giant open room, no kids have come up to play, and i’m starting to slowly do the closing things. Washing the mirrors, and windows, and doors. Changing the trash, singing along to Mary Chapin Carpenter (its’ such a man-bash cd but the music is great to clean to!)

And i start thinking.

Damn, i hate when i do that.

Sir has changed jobs. The career he is moving into is full of young, eager men. He’s been hired because of his connections. His maturity. His stability. But.

He must pass a ginormous test in mid-May. He studies at work, while taking in all the meetings etc. He studies at Starbucks. He studies at home. He studies *all* the time. And in two weeks, is frustrated. i do my best to reassure him, coz i *know* he will be successful. Two weeks? Are you kidding? it took 3.5 for my son to understand the basic make up of cell-structure last year. I think my “homeschooling gene” started to twang. I dunno.

So, i’m done cleaning, and i work on this puzzle the staff is working on during slow times. Nail a few tricky pieces, and then i get my cell phone.

Sir: WHAT??!!  (his stock answer!)

n: well, Sir, i was….

Sir: oh no. You were thinking.

n: giggles…well, yesSir, i was.

Sir: sighing. Okay, go ahead.

n: (quiet)…this is …well…i…(more stuttering, then a deep breath) i was thinking Sir that we shouldn’t get together tomorrow. You should use that time to study. You only get un-interrupted time on Sunday, and i’d be taking all that time away from You.

Sir: *dead air*

Sir: *clears throat* ah…well…nilla, I think I might take you up on that. That’s a generous, thoughtful thing.

n: i’d like to meet, just for a few minutes. i have to go to the fabric store near You anyway, and i have something to give to you. Then i’ll be out of Your car, and off so You can study.

Sir: Okay. Thank you, nilla

n: (nodding at the phone. i’m so choked up by now i can’t speak. my vocal chords freeze up when i get hyper emotional…finally i clear my throat and am able to kinda whisper)  okay, good. I’ll text you in the morning.

Sir: okay, its a plan. Talk to you tomorrow, little girl.

nilla disconnects, and yanno. i dash into the kitchen and start sobbing. Dear goddess. i’m so sad. it hurts so much. it hurts way way more than i ever thought it could. Because i know i can’t see Him again for 9 weeks, because of my crazy schedule.  Because He needs to give His all for this test, and as His subbie, it’s my duty, my obligation, to do all in my power to help Him.

But it was pretty fucking hard.

This is a really  hard pain. It’s right here (rubs over heart)…and it doesn’t go away as fast as a bruise.  Later i’ll glow about being a good subbie. For now, i think i’m gonna wallow a bit in it.

Coz we do love the pain.