This weekend, Sir was traveling. As the passenger, he was able to text me. Now, i’m the “queen” of salacious texts. I’ve told you that before. I send wee little “things” to Him…sometimes when He is at work, (i know, i’m sooo bad!), generally throughout the day. I deleted all the posts yesterday (the product of a head cold…no rational thought. sigh) But our conversation went something like this:
S: Had a nice lunch at the restaurant down there. Nice salad. My sister-in-law ate half a cow and an entire cheesecake!!
n: You! Play nice with the ex SIL!
S: tryin. My son is being very good to her.
n: I had a great lunch…vanilla yogurt with pineapple chunks stirred in and half a pita, toasted, with about 2 tbsp of peanut butter on it. My favorite spring/summer lunch.
S: PEANUT BUTTER!
S. I LOVE peanut butter. Chunky style. You know where that is going, don’t you nilla?
n: NO! no no no no nono….not….You can’t !!! (aside to readers….you’d think i’d learn by now, wouldn’t you??? DUH!)
S: Peanut butter in the pussy, nilla.
S: you are exactly correct. It will take lots of sucking and deep licking to thoroughly clean out your pussy for fucking.
n: O.MY.GAWD…Sir….geeze…(nilla is beet red…and at work no less…talk about payback!)
So, last night i’m making pizza for dinner. I always spray my stoneware pizza pans with oil, then a sprinkling of cornmeal so the pizza comes right off the pan. I open the cabinet, and reach in w/o paying much attention…coz yanno…i know where the cornmeal is….it’s right over the…peanut butter.
Instant wet. Literally, i was soaked.
So i finished the pizza dough, put the pizza into the oven, and text Sir.
n: geeze Sir, i’m making pizza for the kids and where’s my cornmeal but right over the peanut butter!
S: mmm, peanut butter! Extra chunky?
n: no, i don’t do chunky. it’s smooth…but yanno. . . Sir! i got all wet. Just…just…geeze Sir!
S: you know what you need?
n: ………..um……..(i just know i don’t want to ask…but i can’t stop myself) what?
n: dear gawd!
I swear i could hear His laughter from here…
Later last night, on his way home, he texts that i can call Him. We’re talking and he says…”want to go grocery shopping with me?”
“Okay” i say. He’s chatting away to me when suddenly he stops (i could almost hear the cartoon skid mark sounds, yanno?!) and says “HAL-OOO!”
S: (long pause)
n: Sir? (i hear him ‘hmmming’) Sir?
S: no…but…maybe later.
n: (mystified) what Sir!!??
S: a baster!
n: (long silence) a. baster?
S: oh yeah! suction on one of these puppies…mmm…must hold at least a cup of pussy honey! Beware the Citadel!
and he breaks into a wicked laugh. As i’m recovering from this, i hear Him ask a store person where the chunky peanut butter and marshmallows are! She responds, “Aisle 4, and aisle 5, Sir.”
“Why thank you, ” i hear Him say.
Then more wicked laughter …