That Sir of mine!

This weekend,  Sir was traveling. As the passenger, he was able to text me. Now, i’m the “queen” of salacious texts. I’ve told you that before. I send wee little “things” to Him…sometimes when He is at work, (i know, i’m sooo bad!), generally throughout the day. I deleted all the posts yesterday (the product of a head cold…no rational thought. sigh) But our conversation went something like this:

S: Had a nice lunch at the restaurant down there. Nice salad. My sister-in-law ate half a cow and an entire cheesecake!!

n: You! Play nice with the ex SIL!

S: tryin. My son is being very good to her.

n: I had a great lunch…vanilla  yogurt with pineapple chunks stirred in and  half a pita, toasted, with about 2 tbsp of peanut butter on it. My favorite spring/summer lunch.


n: yes?

S. I LOVE peanut butter. Chunky style. You know where that is going, don’t you nilla?

n: NO! no no no no nono….not….You can’t !!!  (aside to readers….you’d think i’d learn by now, wouldn’t you??? DUH!)

S: Peanut butter in the pussy, nilla.

n: OMG!!

S: you are exactly correct. It will take lots of sucking and deep licking to thoroughly clean out your pussy for fucking.

n: O.MY.GAWD…Sir….geeze…(nilla is beet red…and at work no less…talk about payback!)

So, last night i’m making pizza for dinner. I always spray my stoneware pizza pans with oil, then a sprinkling of cornmeal so the pizza comes right off the pan. I open the cabinet, and reach in w/o paying much attention…coz yanno…i know where the cornmeal is….it’s right over the…peanut butter.

Instant wet. Literally, i was soaked.

So i finished the pizza dough, put the pizza into the oven, and text Sir.

n: geeze Sir, i’m making pizza for the kids and where’s my cornmeal but right over the peanut butter!

S: mmm, peanut butter! Extra chunky?

n: no, i don’t do chunky. it’s smooth…but yanno. . . Sir! i got all wet. Just…just…geeze Sir!

S: you know what you need?

n: ……………..(i just know i don’t want to ask…but i can’t stop myself) what?

S: Marshmallows!

n: dear gawd!

I swear i could hear His laughter from here…

Later last night, on his way home, he texts that i can call Him. We’re talking and he says…”want to go grocery shopping with me?”

“Okay” i say. He’s chatting away to me when suddenly he stops (i could almost hear the cartoon skid mark sounds, yanno?!) and says “HAL-OOO!”

n: what?

S: (long pause)

n: Sir? (i hear him ‘hmmming’) Sir?

S: no…but…maybe later.

n: (mystified) what Sir!!??

S: a baster!

n: (long silence) a. baster?

S: oh yeah! suction on one of these puppies…mmm…must hold at least a cup of pussy honey! Beware the Citadel!

and he breaks into a wicked laugh. As i’m recovering from this, i hear Him ask a store person where the chunky peanut butter and marshmallows are! She responds, “Aisle 4, and aisle 5, Sir.”

“Why thank you, ” i hear Him say.

Then more wicked laughter …