The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly-true nilla

sorry sorry sorry sorry…..i don’t have a story for you.

thought i should get that part over with, first.

Instead, a little  bit of real-life, since you are all so caring about what’s going on. i’m finishing a period of punishment for  D2 and i’m feeling pretty down in the dumps. No one enjoys being punished, to be sure, but this has just dragged on for so long. He says he’s making a point.

i made a bad choice, i freely admit it. i fucked up. i’m guessing one or two of you have made a mistake or two in your own relationships and can relate.

as i was reminded lately, part of this lifestyle is about the joy of service.  i keep thinking that when that service is no longer joyful, then perhaps  it’s time for it to be over.

He says he can make me happier once my punishment is over, that punishment is not supposed to be joyful. yeah, i grok that.

will i be happier once punishment is done? i don’t know. Maybe. He says he can do it. I don’t have a reason to *not* believe it, but then again, i’ve rarely ever been this down before.

and in the midst of all this, i get a “dear john” kind of letter. honest, painfully honest.  thanks, um, for your honesty? what else can i say to that?

it hurts.

This is  NOT a bid for sympathy, so please don’t write all gushy “poor nilla”…i did screw up, and i’m paying my dues.

so the “Good”  is that i’m being open about my D/s life. Using my blog as a place to vent (politely) about the BBD who i think has been very harsh, and who feels that He’s taught me a valuable lesson.

i don’t share much true nilla here, it’s just not what my blog is about.

Moving on now…time  for the “Bad”, which is my chore list for this upcoming week. My kitchen floor finally got fixed after 3 fucking months (yes, months) of disrepair from a leaking dishwasher hose. But it’s all fixed and i have a lovely, new kitchen floor.

But. (isn’t there *always* a but?!)  Didja ever read the story “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie…”? Well, that’s my kitchen. With the new floor, i can see the woodwork really is dingy, dinged etc. ……and  there is a TON of woodwork in my kitchen. So i’m going to be spending the next two days painting it.

And then there are the small areas where there is wallpaper instead of knotty pine paneling. Sigh. Can you see where this is heading?

Yeah….you guessed it. That’s the “Ugly” part. At least 10 years old, and while i loved the pattern, it so doesn’t go with anything now.  So, that’s going bye-bye. Peeling it off, prepping the walls, and hopefully the new paper i ordered will arrive mid-week…well that purty much sucks up the rest of my free time this week.


Mundane work like this really gets my brain spinning, and i will be getting off punishment, AND  seeing Sir B this upcoming weekend, and that makes me quiver with anticipation….and that means ….i will be writing again.

Thank you all for being so forebearing about two days without stories.

And for listening.

And for caring. For that most of all.

12 thoughts on “The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly-true nilla

  1. Ok, no gushing sympathy here. I’m glad you’re seeing Sir B this weekend, and glad your punishment is almost over from D2. Oh, and kinda glad I don’t have to rennovate my kitchen

    Thanks for sharing, ‘Nilla.


    1. thanks aisha. i’m glad i have friends like you to lend an ear, a shoulder, or slap me upside the head and say “get over it, slut!” when i need to hear that too.


  2. Oh, yes. We’ve all fucked up. Sometimes an express and clearly defined punishment is very well deserved. But let’s hope yours ends very, very soon and that in the rear view mirror it will have seemed worth the sacrifice.

    1. that was a lovely Irish blessing if ever i’ve heard one…and i heard the caring and sincerity too.

      things are better. not perfect, but much better. every experience has value. even the bad ones. the trick is finding the silver lining. once you can do that, you can move on.

      i know, it is very “pollyanna-ish” and yet… if i didn’t believe that i would have not survived my mothers death. Sounds melodramatic but was very true. My wife says i came very close to grieving myself to death. Now, i try to find a blessing every day. I don’t, not always. but most times, i can. if i can hold onto it.. …. but there, that is the trick, yes?


  3. gack! I hate doing renos of any type but wallpaper has always been my mortal enemy >.<
    lots of luck with your kitchen and I hope it doesn't drive you too crazy 🙂

    1. i always liked wallpapering. then i discovered faux finish painting and loved that. i’m creative and like making the old look better. which is why i love make up, too, incidentally….



  4. ‘nilla, the very last thing you should be worrying about know is us, your readers – you have more than enough on your plate and I’m sure every one of your fans will be only too pleased to wait until your chores are over – and the other things in store for you, too!

    The very best of luck with your tasks, my good wishes are yours, now and always.


    1. thank you.

      you will never know how much that means to me. *big smile*

      the worst is kinda over.

      and i’m learning that i’m not 25 anymore and who cares if it takes me two weeks to do this? i ‘m taking my time. and enjoying the process. it’s the prep i loathe. (then again, who likes stripping wallpaper and decomping their kitchen?)

      but i enjoy the Zen of painting, of making something beautiful.

      and i also like wallpapering.

      and i’ll really like finishing!!

      still writing feeds a deep, visceral need in me, too. i’m learning to balance all of it…the mommy, the slut, the slut, the laborer, the employee, the slut, the wife, the general contractor, the slut, the writer, the slut…


    1. i started having blood pressure issues, which sucked as i’ve never had a problem.

      the day the floor was done….

      bp went back to normal ranges. sigh. the hidden stressors.
      egads. roof work.

      thats about on a par with having your kitchen torn up…hang in there. And hey the wedding planning is the worst part (which is why we never went that way…cowards!!)

      i’ll be thinking of you when i’m hanging wallpaper Friday!!


  5. *Hugs* nilla. Yeah, it sucks right now. I often wonder how the man who I love with all that I am and who can be so loving and tender one minute, can seem so cruel when I’ve fucked up and he is trying to make a point. It’s all part of the package of being ‘under’ someone’s authority. And I’m sorry you are so down. At least you’ll have a lovely kitchen at the end of it all!

    1. You should know that you are like total inspiration for me. You have been through so much of this. it was pretty terrible and bleak, but i’m over the worst of it.

      and we’ve talked.

      He was right. He could pull me up.

      damn. hate when they are always right.


      thanks for the hugs, they were much appreciated.


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