Thoughts about Rape/Rape Fantasies…

You know, this is a hot-button topic, and one i’ve never addressed in “open forum” before.

coz, yanno, i live in the illusion that i’m still a ‘good’ girl.

even though i know i am not, when i’m being totally honest. This is not to say that i’m not a good mom, a good worker, a good person. But deep in my heart of hearts, i know i am a slut. And i’ve come to some kind of terms with that.

You all have been privy to a lot of my own fantasies. And one that gets me off pretty damn quick (Taken)…is one of forced sex.

And here my clear thoughts get muddied. Is it consensual non-consent rape? Did she really, really want Him all along and he’s finally gotten tired of social pandering and taken what he, and she, both wanted all along?

True rape…is a crime.

Let me be totally clear on that. True rape…being stalked, being “taken”, being used…is a horrible crime against a woman (or man, or child)….

But rape fantasy…wherein we are forced to take what we secretly crave…a total and complete loss of choice? That’s an entirely different kettle of fish.

This thought came from Ximena, who has joined Monocle and Will Redbud over at Erotic Writer. She wrote this story here and has garnered a lot of comments on it…go read it, and see what you think.

i wrote a similar story a long while back. Wait, lemme see if i can find that link…here it is, amazingly titled “Raped“….*snickers*. Yes, that was back in the early days of the blog, see?

So Will commented about Ximena’s story, to quote the first part of his comment “If it’s not consensual, then what’s the fun, either in experiencing it or writing about it?”

That got me to thinking about this topic.

I used to say that i was “date-raped” my first time.  The guy i was with…i really liked him. But i was so fucking naive about sex. He didn’t pin me, hold me down, choke me, not that kind of assault, not at all. For him it was caring, and taking it to the next level.

i was …stunned. i just lay there, wanting it to be over.

in other words, i submitted.

Fighting or protesting? never even crossed my mind.

So, was i raped?

Dunno. We had sex a few more times after that, but not many more. He went away to college, and i met another guy at the place i worked who lusted for me. That was my third sexual experience, again clumsy and not anywhere near as happy as the one i was also having with my best (girl) friend. Anyway,  i digress.

For years i felt that i’d been raped.  Fucking geeze. sigh. This isn’t supposed to be a soul-baring post here, but i feel like i’m laying it all out there today.  k, then.

i was sexually molested for most of my childhood. “He” taught me to stay. To not fight. To not protest. To …accept.

i fully understand the roots of my personal submission come from that.  And i’m not a “poor little girl” anymore…i have forgiven, and moved on…and found a way to carefully express my need for submission.  The only reason that i express this here, now, is to explain why i felt ‘raped’ that first time.

So why the need for rape-fantasy?

For me, it’s the total loss of control. The loss of choices. To accept. And to allow my body to lose control because that is what “He” wants…

hmmm…perhaps it’s a lack of personal responsibility there? If he makes me feel turned on, i’m not really a “bad girl”…then its all on Him…and i can still be “the good girl”…whatever the fuck that is.

The most redeeming thing to me about writing porn, even the dark stuff…it de-isolates me. (is so a word, i just made it!) i’m not the only one who gets off on this stuff. i’m not the only one who gets a pussy-tingle when i read (or write) this stuff.

it’s so important to not feel like the weird kid in the class, even now, isn’t it?

i’d love feedback on this.  if you choose to respond in non-open format, email me privately at vanillamom4@gmail.com–i’ll respond either way, here or there.