Depression/Friends/Life- nilla ramblings

blah blah snow blah blah snow blah blah—–

don’t get me wrong here…i’ll be the first to tell you that i live in New England because i love having 4 seasons. i’ll also tell you that i generally love snow. i’ve never grown out of the ‘snow day’ mentality, tho i rarely go sledding anymore because of my back and ankle issues.

these days i move at a slower pace and prefer to snowshoe.  And this year, i’ve managed to get out twice on my ‘shoes and tromp through puffy clouds of snow. If you’ve never done it before? Tis an incomparable thing. Hella workout, as you don’t “glide” across the tops, actually sink a few inches into the powder, and have to lift the shoes, and plunge forward. It’s a rocking, wide-legged thing, ungainly to watch but tranquil. my shoes are old, old, likely more than 70 years. Old bent-wood framing, gut crosslacings. . . the only ‘modern’ parts are the neoprene bindings that my boots slide into.

Still…i’m tired of snow. Tired of white on black. My heart thirsts for color. It sings when i spy a brilliant male cardinal perched on a deep green pine bough, singing the ‘allsclear’ call to his mate.

January 24th is alleged to be the most depressing day of the year.  i second that one….


it’s friends who helped to lift my spirits during this hell-week–sin, with her ongoing conversations on her blog about happiness, and our private i.m.’s, helping to cheer me up. aisha and her open angsty posts who made me smile with her mini-temper tantrum.  sfp with her interesting life-dancing, and andi and her HNT. and of course–you…for your comments on the stories i write when i am up or down…


and there is Sir B….happy sigh. i could rhapsodize about how good, how very, very good things are there.  i could tell you about the collar in my future. (teaser, yes) i could tell you about the wicked ass-fucking i’ve been promised.

in fact, that might be happening *right now* while you read this…

On Friday, out doing errands, i saw this quote on a bumper sticker on the car in front of me…

“Who wants to live a life imprisoned in safety?”

Do you know who said it? t’was a woman…and i’ll tell you at the end of this soliloquy …anyway…this was the *perfect* way to sum up my life this past month.

i know i’ve told you that Sir B and i have had major changes in our relationship…what i left unsaid was that i came )*( that close to just …stopping it all.

no more blog.

no more blog reading.

withdraw back into vanilla life.

forget the Dom search process (which was overwhelming, scary as hell even with a Mentor…so hats off to those of You who are in search …)

forget it all.


This is a pretty thick and heavy door i’ve cracked open inside of me. It’d be silly for me to not share that sometimes my thoughts and yearnings are frightening. Even when they are stirring me, turning me on…they frighten.

And i wondered…could i?

Could i shut that door?


For an hour.


A ton of that was…angst. Depression. Grief, for i grieved deeply about what happened with Sir B….That vita-mix blender that mixes up these stories does that with my emotions sometimes too, and i’m often overwhelmed without an outlet, which is why i write to begin with.

And you folks factored in. Like sin, i am a ‘pleaser’ and saying ‘no’ is verrah hard for me. How could i let you down, when you came here looking for a new naughty fantasy…and there was nothing?

i’m not so good at going *poof*….

And then that quote, from Amelia Earhart crossed my line-of-sight.  On a day when i was rushing from place-to-place and not paying heed to my surroundings, reaaaaaalllly not being ‘present’ at all…


i *love* my life, even with all the complications. The vanilla parts…and the chocolate parts. The friends i’ve made here. The Man i met here who will gift me with his collar soon. i don’t choose to live in a safe bubble-wrapped life…because i want to feel it. The hurt, as well as the joy.

The hurt helps me appreciate the joy…and the joy?

Joy is that cardinal on the pine-branch.

And Sir B whacking my depression away with the silver cake thingy that i hate-love-hate…

Joy is friendships, in all its forms, and joy is writing, and joy is waking up every morning…

and Joy is you.


(by the way, as i write this…it’s snowing again….*wry grin*)