Depression/Friends/Life- nilla ramblings

blah blah snow blah blah snow blah blah—–

don’t get me wrong here…i’ll be the first to tell you that i live in New England because i love having 4 seasons. i’ll also tell you that i generally love snow. i’ve never grown out of the ‘snow day’ mentality, tho i rarely go sledding anymore because of my back and ankle issues.

these days i move at a slower pace and prefer to snowshoe.  And this year, i’ve managed to get out twice on my ‘shoes and tromp through puffy clouds of snow. If you’ve never done it before? Tis an incomparable thing. Hella workout, as you don’t “glide” across the tops, actually sink a few inches into the powder, and have to lift the shoes, and plunge forward. It’s a rocking, wide-legged thing, ungainly to watch but tranquil. my shoes are old, old, likely more than 70 years. Old bent-wood framing, gut crosslacings. . . the only ‘modern’ parts are the neoprene bindings that my boots slide into.

Still…i’m tired of snow. Tired of white on black. My heart thirsts for color. It sings when i spy a brilliant male cardinal perched on a deep green pine bough, singing the ‘allsclear’ call to his mate.

January 24th is alleged to be the most depressing day of the year.  i second that one….


it’s friends who helped to lift my spirits during this hell-week–sin, with her ongoing conversations on her blog about happiness, and our private i.m.’s, helping to cheer me up. aisha and her open angsty posts who made me smile with her mini-temper tantrum.  sfp with her interesting life-dancing, and andi and her HNT. and of course–you…for your comments on the stories i write when i am up or down…


and there is Sir B….happy sigh. i could rhapsodize about how good, how very, very good things are there.  i could tell you about the collar in my future. (teaser, yes) i could tell you about the wicked ass-fucking i’ve been promised.

in fact, that might be happening *right now* while you read this…

On Friday, out doing errands, i saw this quote on a bumper sticker on the car in front of me…

“Who wants to live a life imprisoned in safety?”

Do you know who said it? t’was a woman…and i’ll tell you at the end of this soliloquy …anyway…this was the *perfect* way to sum up my life this past month.

i know i’ve told you that Sir B and i have had major changes in our relationship…what i left unsaid was that i came )*( that close to just …stopping it all.

no more blog.

no more blog reading.

withdraw back into vanilla life.

forget the Dom search process (which was overwhelming, scary as hell even with a Mentor…so hats off to those of You who are in search …)

forget it all.


This is a pretty thick and heavy door i’ve cracked open inside of me. It’d be silly for me to not share that sometimes my thoughts and yearnings are frightening. Even when they are stirring me, turning me on…they frighten.

And i wondered…could i?

Could i shut that door?


For an hour.


A ton of that was…angst. Depression. Grief, for i grieved deeply about what happened with Sir B….That vita-mix blender that mixes up these stories does that with my emotions sometimes too, and i’m often overwhelmed without an outlet, which is why i write to begin with.

And you folks factored in. Like sin, i am a ‘pleaser’ and saying ‘no’ is verrah hard for me. How could i let you down, when you came here looking for a new naughty fantasy…and there was nothing?

i’m not so good at going *poof*….

And then that quote, from Amelia Earhart crossed my line-of-sight.  On a day when i was rushing from place-to-place and not paying heed to my surroundings, reaaaaaalllly not being ‘present’ at all…


i *love* my life, even with all the complications. The vanilla parts…and the chocolate parts. The friends i’ve made here. The Man i met here who will gift me with his collar soon. i don’t choose to live in a safe bubble-wrapped life…because i want to feel it. The hurt, as well as the joy.

The hurt helps me appreciate the joy…and the joy?

Joy is that cardinal on the pine-branch.

And Sir B whacking my depression away with the silver cake thingy that i hate-love-hate…

Joy is friendships, in all its forms, and joy is writing, and joy is waking up every morning…

and Joy is you.


(by the way, as i write this…it’s snowing again….*wry grin*)

22 thoughts on “Depression/Friends/Life- nilla ramblings

  1. Awww, Nilla, what a great post! I love the posts where I get a deeper glimpse into the bloggers I follow, ‘specially my favorite bloggers… 😉 Thank you for your blog and your stories, and for not closing that door. *hug*

    • thanks butterfly–it was such a turbulent month. i’m truly not sure that door is closeable now…i might blow up or something. All i know is i feel better for having this place, this forum…than i would without it.

      Thanks for caring!


  2. I love the dual nature of this post

    and I’m so happy that things are going well

    (and ooooh! a mention! seriously ‘Nilla — with my 34 whole readers — it’s cool to get one!)


    • Thanks sfp…i may not get over to your blog everyday, but i try to keep up with the goings on in your life….*smiles* no easy task, yanno?!


    • oh Mick…thank You…made me smile and feel all warm n fuzzy…

      not goin’ anywhere…this life, as your own Mistress has pointed out more than once…is so much more…exciting/interesting/stimulating that our pure vanilla lives…

      and i’m loving life with all this richness added, even with the complications it brings…

      hugs to you and Mistress Molly


  3. What a great post to return to! Blogging soon becomes a necessity… a place for acceptance, to be truly “me”, to make wonderful new friends. Joy!’

    • welcome back abby…

      blogging saves me, to be sure…cleaning up the mess if *this* head ever ‘spoded would take days!!



  4. Yay nilla, I love when people allow themselves to EXPERIENCE everything! Live life fully. And thanks for the nod at my HNT reading your blog is an everyday event for me.

    • gotta “feel” it all…the good, the bad, the best, the worst…all are part of the flavor of life….we may not like our salsa with extra spice, but sometimes…it’s all that’s on the plate with the chips, yanno?

      *grins* Thanks andi!


    • Thanks France! *exactamundo*!!!

      *love when peeps can sum up a blogpost in 6 words!!!*
      thanks for gettin’ it!

      i’m goin’ crazy with exclamation points tonight!!!!

  5. {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}

    Ah Nilla,

    I love you. Love that you share your crazy world inside your head. Love that you share your turmoil as well as your triumphs.

    As for the snow, I’m Right There With You! I want warmth!!! Green leaves, flowers, flowing skirts, skimpy shirts and um, no knickers!!!!

    Love ya!

    • knickers? who wears knickers??? (not i…mwahahahahaha!!!)

      tho i admit to wearing a flannel underskirt under my skirt …keeps things warm and cozy…



  6. i think the beggining of the year january has like a honney moon period and everyone loves it then it wares of quickly my favorite time of the year is spring when the uk starts coming back to life the trees start to show there leaves etc

    • well, usualllllllyyy i love January/winter…but with snow after snow after snow and NO January thaw this year? quite odious…tedious…and leaving us all in the Northeast longing for spring…Thanks for commenting, Kevin!


  7. Gettin your ass fucked as I read this, boy that sounds good. Good to hear about your collar in the near future, glad SirB has got your head on straight and his as well, I wouldn’t want to miss your writings one day even if I know that will happen. Hope you had every thing you wanted today.

    • i did indeed get well and truly fucked, bitten, tied…you name it, i likely did it or had it happen to me!!

      i’m still “full” with the experience…it was….*long pause while cursorblinks and nilla goes off into subspace*….happy sigh…the bestthe best the BEST of times…

      thanks Sir Tip!


    • Thank you tempting sweet!!! i *had* to…i needed color, i needed it so bad…usually i don’t live “out of season” but this has been an exceptional time…and hell…my blog, my rulz!!! *giggles*


  8. Beautiful post – I can’t believe Imissed it yesterday!

    I can’t tell you how glad I am that you didn’t quit – omigod – I can’t even imagine. Don’t ever leave us!!!


    • *smiles*

      i—i think i need to be here. to keep my head on right. to vent. to share. to have friends like YOU..makes it all worth while.



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