i so truly hate fucking up. And when it is totally, completely avoidable? Yeah. It’s official: i’ve turned in my “perfect subbie” card…i always knew i wasn’t really a member of that club….and now i’ve gone and proven it once more.
Got to go back a few weeks… Back to when i’ve “finished” my diet, happy with the 40 pounds i lost. And had a party…wooot wooott…no more diet…Rut Ro. Most of my party involved my old nemesis, ice cream. There were other friends who came along too, namely Mr. Potato Chip, and Ms. Tortilla Chip. And it was a party that didn’t seem to end…
the upshot is that i gained 5 pounds back.
and i knew i needed to draw a line, get back to the discipline that got me here coz there is NO FUCKING WAY i’m going back down that road. i just am not gonna go.
What is a submissive to do, but turn to her Master? He takes his ownership most seriously. After some thought, He’s limited me to three small treats a week. And NO potato chips.
Did you see it? the loophole? i’m telling you here and now, if you leave a food fanatic a loophole, we’re just gonna find it, drive our truck through it and run…
And guess who came to party? Riiiiight. Ms. Tortilla Chip. And yes, i did tell him about it.
Rather than *going* to Him.
Bad move. Stoooopid move. Since it was only a small mishap, (140 cal bag, thank goodness) i only had to sacrifice one of my three treats. i’d already had one, and then chose to have my second allowed treat early.
Which was fine. i was fine. Down two pounds my first week! Woot!
And then i opened the glass jar on the table. How was *i* to know that yet another old friend had come to call? A friend i’ve not seen here in 2 years?
Mr. Cadbury Mini Egg.
One would have been bad. One would have gotten me a verbal *smack*, for going over my allotted treats. But would have (likely) been quickly forgiven.
Instead, i ate nine.
Now, i’ll grant you, that’s not a lot of calories, and easily burned off in my walking time. But really it’s not *about* the calories this time, is it?
i’ve spent the better part of today (Friday) feeling very bad. Not crushed, mind you. He was very careful not to crush me. But i’ve been soundly remonstrated. Because, His manner with me is light, and i mistook “light” as “not worried about my transgression”…which was just simply not the case.
He was greatly unhappy about it.
i disrespected Him, His rules for me, and that is the crux of the issue.
NOT the calories.
NOT the chocolate.
NOT the overage of the treat itself.
But my cavalier attitude about His rules. My rules.
i’ve spent the day in contemplation. Losing the respect of your Master for a day tends to snap one back into supreme focus, and that has certainly been the case. i’ve apologized, certainly. i’ve been treated kindly, but firmly, and somewhat ignored, which i hate.
Despite being together for almost 18 months, we’re still learning each other. i’ve learned that when He’s mad, He doesn’t yell…His voice gets silky. He’s learned that i have issues regarding self-discipline. i’ve learned that when He makes a rule…He means it, and i shouldn’t push back on it.
i’ve begun to really feel the chains of my submission, and i’m happy they are there, and i embrace them…and when i dishonor them, dishonor Him…they get pretty fucking heavy.
So i will sit, hands under my ass, working hard to prove to Him that i *am* His “good girl” once more. That His property has enough self-respect for herself to take good care of His property….a convoluted way of saying, when i eat badly, treat my body badly, don’t exercise, i can potentially damage His property.
i wouldn’t do that if i borrowed something from a friend, i’d treat it carefully, and return it in good shape.
Now i just need to turn that same kind of care to myself…and show Master that i can, and will take care of what is for now and always, His property.