An Admission of Guilt….

*big sigh*

i so truly hate fucking up. And when it is totally, completely avoidable? Yeah. It’s official:   i’ve  turned in my “perfect subbie” card…i always knew i wasn’t really a member of that club….and now i’ve gone and proven it once more.

Got to go back a few weeks… Back to when i’ve “finished” my diet, happy with the 40 pounds i lost. And had a party…wooot wooott…no more diet…Rut Ro. Most of my party involved my old nemesis, ice cream. There were other friends who came  along too, namely Mr. Potato Chip, and Ms. Tortilla Chip. And it was a party that didn’t seem to end…

the upshot is that i  gained 5 pounds back.


and i knew i needed to draw a line, get back to the discipline that got me here coz there is NO FUCKING WAY i’m going back down that road. i just am not gonna go.

What is a submissive to do, but turn to her Master?  He takes his ownership most seriously. After some thought, He’s limited me to three small treats a week. And NO potato chips.

Did you see it? the loophole? i’m telling you here and now, if you leave a food fanatic a loophole, we’re just gonna find it, drive our truck through it and run…

And guess who came to party? Riiiiight. Ms. Tortilla Chip. And yes, i did tell him about it.


Rather than *going* to Him.


Bad move. Stoooopid move.  Since it was only a small mishap, (140 cal bag, thank goodness) i only had to sacrifice one of my three treats. i’d already had one, and then chose to have my second allowed treat early.

Which was fine. i was fine. Down two pounds my first week! Woot!

And then i opened the glass jar on the table. How was *i* to know that yet another  old friend had come to call? A friend i’ve not seen here in 2 years?

Mr. Cadbury Mini Egg.


One would have been bad. One would have gotten me a verbal *smack*, for going over my allotted treats. But would have (likely) been quickly forgiven.

Instead, i ate nine.

142.5 calories.

Now, i’ll grant you, that’s not a lot of calories, and easily burned off in my walking time. But really it’s not *about* the calories this time, is it?

i’ve spent the better part of today (Friday) feeling very bad. Not crushed, mind you. He was very careful not to crush me. But i’ve been soundly remonstrated. Because, His manner with me is light, and i mistook “light” as “not worried about my transgression”…which was just simply not the case.

He was greatly unhappy about it.

i disrespected Him, His rules for me, and that is the crux of the issue.

NOT the calories.

NOT the chocolate.

NOT the overage of the treat itself.

But my cavalier attitude about His rules. My rules.

i’ve spent the day in contemplation. Losing the respect of your Master for a day tends to snap one back into supreme focus, and that has certainly been the case. i’ve apologized, certainly. i’ve been treated kindly, but firmly, and somewhat ignored, which i hate.

Despite being together for almost 18 months, we’re still learning each other. i’ve learned that when He’s mad, He doesn’t yell…His voice gets silky. He’s learned that i have issues regarding self-discipline.  i’ve learned that when He makes a rule…He means it, and i shouldn’t push back on it.

i’ve begun to really feel the chains of my submission, and i’m happy they are there, and i embrace them…and when i dishonor them, dishonor Him…they get pretty fucking heavy.

So i will sit, hands under my ass, working hard to prove to Him that i *am* His “good girl” once more. That His property has enough self-respect for herself to take good care of His property….a convoluted way of saying, when i eat badly, treat my body badly, don’t exercise, i can potentially damage His property.

i wouldn’t do that if i borrowed something from a friend, i’d treat it carefully, and return it in good shape.

Now i just need to turn that same kind of care to myself…and show Master that i can, and will take care of what is for now and always, His property.

18 thoughts on “An Admission of Guilt….

  1. Exactly, tough love is sometimes the only way. And with the girl’s best interests in mind, the best interests of the relationship in total. This is because lines which are drawn have to be respected, in their spirit not just the compliance with the words. Loopholes are easy enough to find in most directives. Exploiting them is definitely not what a “good girl” does.
    The positive from this (there’s always one, somewhere) is that your Dom, whether he shows it or not will find your contrition to be a satisfactory punishment in itself. It will reinforce to Him that you really do want both his input and control and will work twice as hard now to show that.

    Do you have Cadbury Creme Eggs in your part of the world /tease

    • LOL! hella tease. Yes we do have them. Yes, i do love them. But no, i’ve not eaten one of them for…4 years now? I like to gently chip away at the chocolate shell,then gently, tenderly even, dip my tongue inside the little hole, and lap out the sweet cream inside….

      (tease back at you!)


  2. *hugs* I know how you feel chika, I’m right there in that boat with you. I do like your phrase,
    “That His property has enough self-respect for herself to take good care of His property….a convoluted way of saying, when i eat badly, treat my body badly, don’t exercise, i can potentially damage His property.”
    and I think that’s an excellent way of looking at it! I know I’ve had (read, have) issues with will power and self control when it comes to food so I think I’ll adopt your attitude and see how it works for me 🙂

    • suddenly i’m doing a *lot* better getting back on track.

      no ice cream in almost a week. Wait. it is a week. Today. Wow. And no chocolate since the Cadbury egg fiasco.

      i’m taking care of his property. Not mine anymore. It really helps to keep that in mind. I wouldn’t abuse anyone else’s property. I won’t abuse His, either.



  3. Oh Nilla, Vanilla ice cream with caramel sauce is one of my downfalls. This morning Dr. Gupta on CNN said that his kids can have ice cream but to get it they have to walk to the ice cream shop and walk back home. My Dom said he thought that was a great idea.

    But Nilla, we live over ten miles from town. Mountain roads. Big mountains. And then there is that whole wheelchair issue. hahaha

    I must admit that I settle mentally and function better overall when rules are clearly defined, and Mick is right, this is about our Doms loving us.

    Right there with you,

    • LOL!!!

      Well…ten miles on wheels Donna. Perspective, my dear!! After all…YOU get to roll downhill. Just sayin.

      as to the rest? yes, it’s all about the love and care the Doms have for us. Would we want the package without that? Not i!!


  4. Thanks everyone for your kind support…and encouragement. Nick, i was especially grateful for your comment about loopholes and exploiting them. As a mommy, i understand when kids do it, and i make the same point to them…and then didn’t follow through myself, something that won’t happen again.

    Heading off to work and unable to comment until Monday….but thank you, everyone, for this…


  5. That took a lot of courage for you to admit that Nilla. Very proud of you for that. And it’s true what Mick says, he really does only have your best interests at heart. The last piece about property and borrowing was profound, something we all should consider well. Much love to you ❤

    • Thanks Ava!

      This whole thing, the D/s life? It can’t work without honesty. Even knowing i’d be punished, i had to fess up. i am His.

      And He makes me happy, and full, and ….it’s worth it. He’s worth it.


  6. Hey, ‘Nilla, Read this in the morning, didn’t have a chance to comment. Have been thinking about you and sending you mental hugs all day. I agree with what every one else said, and totally respect you, and your Master.



    • Thanks aisha! Don’t feel bad about commenting late…i’m just now (Tuesday) getting caught up on all the responses to all the comments…OMG! So many wonderful people out here in blogland!)

      Things are way better now. Way better. Tho it will still be forever before He’ll allow me to have chocolate once more!!


  7. Your dear Master uses the same technique I do. Yell and you are okay, whisper and you might as well just bury yourself.

    As for the “destroying or damaging his property…” Wasn’t he a military man? Reason I ask is that is one rule that most military men get engraved on their eyeballs. Reason is that they as military members are US property… The rule never leaves, so keep that in mind.

    Love you though even if you do transgress. Plus, if you were the perfect sub, what on earth would you do to get spanked?

    Love ya!

    • LOL!!!

      That is a good, and key, point..He was (is?) a Marine, retired. That’s such a good thing to remember. Now, of course, He’s just enjoying tormenting me (case in point, brings a chocolate frosted chocolate brownie to our meet, and puts it under my chin. While i’m handcuffed. pinned. immobile. i could smell. but not eat. Bastard!!!)


      • Yes, he can be a bastard… What better way to drive home the lesson?

        Oh, and remember…. Marines NEVER retire. They may not wear the uniform, but the mindset NEVER goes away. Just ask Wolf…

  8. I just read this, nilla. I am terribly behind in my blog reading. But I have been battling the exact same issue, and my M has the same quiet voice that unnerves me so. He says the same thing yours says about being cavalier with his rules. They could be twins, I tell ya!

    I am supposed to text him when I cheat. Which means I rarely cheat!! Although we just got back from Vegas and boy, did we cheat! But at least it was together, lol.

    Hang in there nilla!

    • Thanks…i may never get chocolate again…*sigh*

      and i am learning His nuances …a very important thing..not all laughter is humorous laughter….

      *vegas* so that’s why you’ve not been posting…



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