Ah, my vanilla life…..
It’s been hell these last two weeks.
My wife and i have been snarking at each other. She would tell you i’ve been a bitch…because i’ve not lain down and let her walk on me (i know several of you will roll your eyes and say ’bout time, nilla’…and i know who you are!)
But i’ve been on a cleaning/organizing rampage as a result of the upheaval. So i have a very neat and tidy house.
I spent most of last week thinking about divorce. Trying to think about my needs.
And finally decided it was too cliché, to shallow to implement.
So, here we are, time under my belt, and realizing all the blessings. Life is not struggle-free. Most of the time, my life works. It’s not easy, but no one promised easy. And yes, i’m a 50+ mom with a 4-year-old. i’ll be homeschooling until i’m nearly 70.
The plus side of that is that they keep me young at heart. And active.
If i didn’t have the kiddo’s, i might be a couch potato with a size 800 waist. (okay, maybe not, maybe i’d still be that avid hiker working towards bagging the 40 tallest peaks in the Northeast…rather than just the 8 or 9 i’d gotten to “before kids”…)
And while my vanilla life isn’t perfect, it’s okay. There is a balance there. I wish we had the kind of relationship to be open about things. She knows about my kink blog and assumes all the “trouble” with our relationship started then.
She won’t accept any blame for it.
I didn’t realize i’d married her mom…she is so much like her, turning into her mom this late in life, that it is unsettling to me. Her mom is not a nice person. She is bitter, hateful, rude, impolite, mean-spirited. She’ll say kind things to your face, then cut you up behind your back. While my wife is not quite that bad (yet)…i wonder if she will continue to be. (i have pointed out that she is turning into her mom…NOT well received!)
and i’m venting. i’m thinking aloud.
i know there will be people thinking ‘just leave, then.”
But my life is pretty comfortable, too. While wifey is at work i do have tons to do, that is true. Sometimes it is overwhelming. That’s when i feel things spiraling out of control. But i also have “wiggle minutes” when i can sit and write. Or be outside with the kids. Not many, but i’m working on it. Telling her i simply can’t do it all, not anymore. That although she works out of the house at a high stress job, my day is equally as long, much more physical, and equally as stressful. That this is her home and she has to help with it.
It’s slow. It’s grudging. But there is some change happening.
I do have many positives. I have a lovely home. It’s an old, old house, with a nice backyard for the kids. And i love my kids. And gosh divorce would so so so fuck them up. Adopted kids have different issues around abandonment than do bio kids…so a divorce would doubly fuck them up. That’s just not fair for me to do to them, not when my life isn’t at stake, or in imminent danger. Sometimes, you just have to suck up the bad stuff, the hard stuff, and roll with it.
It’s….kinda like bondage. There are parts of it that contain and constrain you, and you might not like it….but you kinda do, too.
Can you see what i’m doing there? i’ve begun”translating” a lot of my vanilla life into D/s talk in my head, and it makes it bearable. Copeable.
Do i love my wife? Depends on my mood or the day, i guess. You don’t spend 33 years with someone and not feel fond of them….but i know i’m not her primary focus anymore, the kids are. And i resented that for a long time.
Things happen as they do…lives unfold…and if my life hadn’t taken the turn it has, an abrupt kink in my life-road…
- i would never have met Master
- i would never have met my blogsisters
- i would never had the courage to start writing
- i would never be as truly fulfilled as this side of my life makes me…the yang to my yin
Master added this bit, after i sent Him this post for approval:
You wouldn’t have gotten your ass fucked, you wouldn’t have become beautiful, you wouldn’t have learned to walk in 6″ heels, you wouldn’t have become so proud of the new Nilla and you wouldn’t have been dancing with the possibility of becoming a whore – to mention just a few.
Things happen for a reason, and i cannot resent the ‘bad” things that have happened in my relationship that have brought me to this place and this time.
i can choose to be unhappy and angry…or i can be gracious and accepting.
This is my life, and i have a lot to be grateful for. This is my life, and there is bad stuff, sure (and i’ll bet there is in yours, too…) but the good stuff carries me through the rough patches. Stuff like Master, and His unflagging support, His caring, the community here.
This is my life, and it is not perfect. But really? It’s perfectly okay that it’s not.