Life Stuff

Ah, my vanilla life…..

It’s been hell these last two weeks.

My wife and i have been snarking at each other. She would tell you i’ve been a bitch…because i’ve not lain down and let her walk on me (i know several of you will roll your eyes and say ’bout time, nilla’…and i know who you are!)

But i’ve been on a cleaning/organizing rampage as a result of the upheaval. So i have a very neat and tidy house.

I spent most of last week thinking about divorce. Trying to think about my needs.

And finally decided it was too cliché, to shallow to implement.

So, here we are, time under my belt, and realizing all the blessings. Life is not struggle-free. Most of the time, my life works. It’s not easy, but no one promised easy. And yes, i’m a 50+ mom with a 4-year-old. i’ll be homeschooling until i’m nearly 70.

The plus side of that is that they keep me young at heart.  And active.

If i didn’t have the kiddo’s, i might be a couch potato with a size 800 waist.  (okay, maybe not, maybe i’d still be that avid hiker working towards bagging the 40 tallest peaks in the Northeast…rather than just the 8 or 9 i’d gotten to “before kids”…)

And while my vanilla life isn’t perfect, it’s okay. There is a balance there. I wish we had the kind of relationship to be open about things. She knows about my kink blog and assumes all the “trouble” with our relationship started then.

She won’t accept any blame for it.

I didn’t realize i’d married her mom…she is so much like her, turning into her mom this late in life, that it is unsettling to me. Her mom is not a nice person. She is bitter, hateful, rude, impolite, mean-spirited. She’ll say kind things to your face, then cut you up behind your back. While my wife is not quite that bad (yet)…i wonder if she will continue to be. (i have pointed out that she is turning into her mom…NOT well received!)

and i’m venting. i’m thinking aloud.

i know there will be people thinking ‘just leave, then.”

But my life is pretty comfortable, too. While wifey is at work i do have tons to do, that is true. Sometimes it is overwhelming. That’s when i feel things spiraling out of control. But i also have “wiggle minutes” when i can sit and write. Or be outside with the kids. Not many, but i’m working on it. Telling her i simply can’t do it all, not anymore. That although she works out of the house at a high stress job, my day is equally as long, much more physical, and equally as stressful. That this is her home and she has to help with it.

It’s slow. It’s grudging. But there is some change happening.

And overall?

I do have many positives.  I have a lovely home. It’s an old, old house, with a nice backyard for the kids. And i love my kids.  And gosh divorce would so so so fuck them up.  Adopted kids have different issues around abandonment than do bio kids…so a divorce would doubly fuck them up.  That’s just not fair for me to do to them, not when my life isn’t at stake, or in imminent danger. Sometimes, you just have to suck up the bad stuff, the hard stuff, and roll with it.

It’s….kinda like bondage. There are parts of it that contain and constrain you, and you might not like it….but you kinda do, too.

Can you see what i’m doing there? i’ve begun”translating” a lot of my vanilla life into D/s talk in my head, and it makes it bearable. Copeable.

Do i love my wife? Depends on my mood or the day, i guess. You don’t spend 33 years with someone and not feel fond of them….but i know i’m not her primary focus anymore, the kids are. And i resented that for a long time.

Things happen as they do…lives unfold…and if my life hadn’t taken the turn it has, an abrupt kink in my life-road…

  • i would never have met Master
  • i would never have met my blogsisters
  • i would never had the courage to start writing
  • i would never be as truly fulfilled as this side of my life makes me…the yang to my yin

Master added this bit, after i sent Him this post for approval:

You wouldn’t have gotten your ass fucked, you wouldn’t have become beautiful, you wouldn’t have learned to walk in 6″ heels, you wouldn’t have become so proud of the new Nilla and you wouldn’t have been dancing with the possibility of becoming a whore – to mention just a few.

Things happen for a reason, and i cannot resent the ‘bad” things that have happened in my relationship that have brought me to this place and this time.

i can choose to be unhappy and angry…or i can be gracious and accepting. 

This is my life, and i have a lot to be grateful for. This is my life, and there is bad stuff, sure (and i’ll bet there is in yours, too…) but the good stuff carries me through the rough patches. Stuff like Master, and His unflagging support, His caring, the community here.

This is my life, and it is not perfect. But really? It’s perfectly okay that it’s not.

25 thoughts on “Life Stuff

      1. i got it. *smiling* and a smilley is never trite! Thanks monkey…sometimes we have to do whats right, even if its not what we want now from our lives. There will be time for me.

        Hugs,

        nilla

  1. Nilla,
    You would have met at least one heartsister as we have known each other for nearly 16 or is it 17 years?
    However, if you had not had the hardships that developed over the 33 years, you would not have tried to change your life for the better of your own soul. You would not have found a Master who is willing to tell you how it is and help mold you into a better stronger Nilla.
    Five years ago, you never would have stood up to Wifey at all. You never would have made the leap to tell her that you can’t do it all. Nor would you have looked in the mirror, and said to yourself that you can lead a double life. You recognize the poisonous parts of your relationship, and you will have to deal with them. You need to decide how much you and the children can take and if and when it may be time to leave. Or not. That is a Nilla decision. However, don’t wait too long if you see that you do need to leave.
    I love you dear.
    Hugs, love and kisses!

    1. yes, yes that is true, and i realized after i wrote that how it might sound to you…and i hope very much i didn’t hurt your feelings…for that, i deeply apologize. You are my first sister of the heart…and tis true, we’ve known each other a long lifetime!

      Right now things are okay. Crying kiddos, angsty teen, and kittens into everything…you know..normal!

      Giant hugs….

      nilla

      1. No, you didn’t hurt my feelings. It was more like letting you know that I’ve always been there for you, all you had to do was turn around. 🙂
        Love you dear!

  2. Omigosh, what Wordwytch said. I totally second it.

    So, you know my mantra ~ it would be nice if “X-Y-Z” would change, but that’s probably not going to happen. Given that, what do I need to do to be ok?

    I’m delighted that you’re considering the question.

    many hugs,

    aisha

    1. what do i need to be okay…thats the big part.

      if i knew unequivocally that my kids would be fine? a whole different ball of wax. But…i am holding my ground on adopting *more* kids (no no no)….coz more won’t make it better. So i am drawing lines in the sand, and digging in.

      Hug

      nilla

  3. “you’re just like your mother”

    oh Nilla — them’s fighting words.

    I’m glad you have an outlet for your feelings — blogging is good.

    sfp

    1. yeah, not the nicest thing i could have pointed out, right?

      i’m working on being quieter about those kind of observations!!

      nilla

  4. nilla- My parent divorced after 35 years and my Mom stayed because of the kids. I wish , oh I wish she would have divorced my Dad way before that.. as I knew they were both so unhappy. Does this mean you should leave? NO… but to stay for the kids is in my opinion not the best thing either.
    Every household dynamic is different but to choose to accept what life has dealt you – just doesn’t make sense at least to me. You are young even at 50 and have the rest of your hopefully long life to enjoy. Kids want BOTH parents to be happy. Not sure if your Master is married or what that relationship could be if you were single- or even if that ever enters your mind. I know for myself- the moment I contemplated Divorce- I knew that I would not be with him (my ex) when I was 70. It took me 7 years after my first thought of it to make it happen. It was NOT easy… but I am happier and HEALTHIER than I have ever been. My son is a very well adjusted Teenager because my Ex and I still put him first and foremost… even though we are not together. I am sure I would have met Master either way … as it was FATE. Take your time to think it out. Do what is BEST for NILLA.

    ~faithful

    1. Thank you faithful. I’ve spent a week digesting all these comments…and the common theme in all is that …1. i am not alone, and 2. don’t bury my dreams and desires (hard for a ‘pleaser’ to do!)

      and yanno, you’re only getting *my* side…i can be a snarky bitch. i can be pissy. i can yell and squack, too. i’m not suffering silently, shall we say!…But overall? Things are okay. We’ve found a bit of balance once more. Not so much common ground, but a balance.

      nilla

  5. I agree with Wordwytch and Faithful, you need to view the whole picture. But, you also need to keep writing and Keep Smiling, it make people wonder what your up to! Stay strong and remember you have lots of support out here!

    1. Thanks Bill,

      as you know, writing keeps me sane, and whole…and i’ll keep bumbling forward!!

      Hug….a really hard hug…

      nilla

  6. This is beautiful.

    I can see my mom becoming her mother, and she always told me not to let her. Once you start seeing it, it’s too late to stop it. As Striving for Peace said, those are fighting words.

    It all really comes down to if the good parts outweigh the bad + the bad that would occur were you to change it. (kids, home, legal stuff, for example)

    You are a good person for putting this much thought into it. Some people throw their entire families away without so much as a first thought, much less a second.

    1. Yup, definitely. And there were never ANY indications of it back in the early days….you are right too, about maintaining the good-bad ratio…if it got bad it wouldn’t be good for me, or the kids…and changes would need to happen then.

      hugs,

      nilla

  7. I love your transparency Nilla. I think if we are honest with ourselves we are all pretty much in the same kinda boat. What a truly awesome and beautiful woman you are.

    1. thanks Ava…i appreciate those kind words…and many are in the same life-boat as i am. Things are better, i am better.

      hug,

      nilla

  8. Only you know what is the best for you and what you feel. I suspect there are more people in the boat you are in, but would never express it. I for one can’t express how much I hate my sexless marriage, but that everything else is fine, and I know that my wife can’t help how she feels at this time, because she has tried everything to be the person she was six years ago, when she was as wild a married wife as a man could ever hope to live with. I’m very glad to have your writing along with the others that I read. Tip

    1. my heart goes out to you Tip, truly. i, too, am living in a sexless marriage. Yet parts are good. we’ve been friends a long time, and parents of 4 great kids…not an easy situation to turn ones back on, yanno?

      big hug…

      nilla

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