Sheesh, i’m sick of this roller coaster.
and i can’t even swear about it because i promised the Man and the wife to work on my “truckers mouth”…sigh.
You remember the other day i had some free time in the City and we couldn’t capitolize on it, right?
I had free time today…close to 2.5 hours of it, in point of fact. And He never commits ahead…it’s just His way…and sometimes it frustrates me because i *am* a planner…i have to be, it’s my nature to plan ahead, and i have a family of 6 to coordinate.
Planning keeps me calm.
Planning keeps me sane.
Planning gives me that almost-tangible feeling that there is some control in my life, yanno?
He counts on me to set up dates and stuff and then either can make it or not.
And by now, after reading this far, and the title…you know today was another “not”.
And i understand it was circumstances beyond His control, make NO mistake i am not at all chiding Him. . .
My favorite saying (as is aisha’s)…”it is what it is”
For me that is a mantra of accepting something that i cannot change. That i must roll with it. But as a girl i dislike saying “roll with the punches” (so i’m a bit sexist about things…bite me…). And as a pagan, i have a very hard time with that poem of Grace that AA uses (God grant me the courage to…however that goes) because i don’t pray to god (no offense to you who do, this too is not a judgement)
So i’m left with “it is what it is”…because it works for me.
I texted that to Him. And added “but i’m still sad.”
So He knows how i feel about it all. And i am sad, very sad. He hopes we can carve out time together …. but really i know i won’t be able to. This week before Yule is CRAZY, between my work, my family…all the “stuff” that needs to be done..
The week afterwards, my wife is on vacation and will be until after the first of the year. Yay, i can sleep in a bit, which is great, but it really restricts my reading and writing time. (hoping to do a lot of writing this week)
The soonest i can see Him will be likely the 30th, when i have to kill time in the City while my son has a social obligation.
And i am engaged in an inner snark war with myself. “fine, he doesn’t want to see you so why kill yourself trying to make it happen.”
“let HIM do all the planning”
“Yeah, like that will ever happen”
“but i miss Him (whiney voice)”
*sound of stars*
(silence, ya’ll stars are silent!)
so yeah. i’m sad. and pouty. and whiney. and weepy. and sad.
oh, don’t feel bad for me. Remember this is where i come to vent and piss and moan (thats not a swear its a body function btw)
and get the *&()Y(%$#$ over stuff.
On a happier note…i’m going to try really hard to clear up my backlog of unfinished stories. i have 20 of them in my “to do” box. Some will just be dumped into the dustbin. Some will be finished. Some may have to be shelved if the mood is wrong. But many of them are half-written and i fell out of love with them and stopped. So my resolution for this week is clean up the drafts folder.
i’m heading towards my 1,000th post. (sometime in March). . . and i’m kinda psyched about that.
See, i can still smile through the sad.
g’night…i’m putting on my big girl panties and dealing.