It is Tuesday, and i hurt.
My shoulder is a dull throb where His teeth bit, hard. My ass is a constant ache, whether sitting or standing. My tits, bobbling freely under my shirt since i can’t wear a bra strap on my shoulder…yes, they ache too.
You’d think i’d be a whimpering mess.
Every time i go into the bathroom, i unbutton my over-shirt, and lift my skirt, and admire the bruises.
He’s marked me as HIS…and even writing this makes my nipples harden, and my pussy wet.
Every surge of pain that i feel is balanced with a surge of lust.
sfp at Jumping on In talks about pain and submission when she speaks of her Master biting her (she hates it)… click on the link to see where she’s coming from on this one.
As subs we do a lot of wondering about our submission. Is it who we are as a person? A role we assume? Many subs have intense work roles where they are the Boss…and their submission gives them the release to give their lives into the care of another.
Does that make them *less* of a submissive than someone like me who doesn’t have a high-powered job?
We are all constantly defining our submission…with our Dominants. It doesn’t matter to me if you struggle with your role as a submissive. It doesn’t matter to me if you pull it on like a cloak that fits you like a second skin. And it doesn’t matter to me if it is as deeply a part of you as the molecules that hold you together.
It shouldn’t matter to me. The only person you, or i, need to impress with our submission is the one we serve.
There are many parts of my relationship with Master that are like other subs and their Doms/Masters/Sir’s. Let’s just call them the D’s for now so i don’t have to keep writing it that way, and you can interpret to your own situation!
And there are parts of my life with my D that are so vanilla, so ordinary, that they would be boring to write. Do i struggle when He throws a D/s wrench into the conversation?
But that’s me. It’s not an every-second-of-every-day kind of thing where i constantly feel His foot on my neck. I do feel His hand on me however, because He has established rules which i must follow. They likely don’t look like every subs rules…because just like us, our D’s have their own likes, wants and desires of how they want their sub to perform.
hmmmm…reading that makes subs and D’s kind of sound like an a la carte of D/s doesn’t it?
A veritable smorgasbord of sex and submission and giving and taking.
On my table is pain.
Today i am wearing that pain. Purple and black and blue bruises on my ass, my tits, my arms. Some are small, dime-sized. Some are HUGE.
I want to show you.
And … I don’t want to show you.
If i show you, i wonder if you’ll think…”oh, that nilla…always bragging about her submission…”
That you will see….the “me” of this, and won’t see the beauty of the acts of my submission to my Master…the beauty of our…Dance, i guess…
i don’t want to show you my bruises and have you think…”wow that is one tough chica…i’ll never be like that…” because that isn’t it either.
It’s not about being “strong enough to take it”. It’s not about being “brave” or “stalwart” or any of that.
It’s about U/us…feeding on each of our needs…i *know* i’m not anywhere near the level He has played at in the past. And yet, i also know i am where He needs and wants me to be as we work ever deeper into our relationship as Dominant and submissive (He’d add ‘slut’ and ‘whore’ to that, i think!)
i wonder too, if you saw the marks He’s gifted to me…
…that you will be aghast.
“My god look what HE did to her, the brute..”
Either way leads to judgemental thinking.
That’s not what i’m doing here. i’m thinking out loud. About the new ramping up, the new dance that my D and i are dancing.
About discovering that really, truly, i am a pain slut.
and how fucking, amazingly happy i am about that.
i’m okay that my submission doesn’t look like yours, that yours isn’t like mine. And i’m okay that His rules for me aren’t the same as yours are with your D.
And i’m okay that today (and for the next week) i’ll be wearing my submission tight against my skin, in every single mark He’s pressed into me.
Hi. My name is nilla.
And i’m a pain-slut.