I’m wondering when I’m going to get my writing jones back? It’s on vacation. Must be the heat. The post-recovery let down…i’m not in the “doldrums” but the kids are fussy (too hot, too fast) today.
And dear goddess do I ever need to color my roots! Whoa. Scared the crap out of myself once my eyes went back to normal and I could see clearly? *shudders*
Perhaps later this afternoon I’ll have writing time, coz for now I have jots of time to sit and reply to questions.
Does your wife know about your Master?
And the answer is no. No. Which of course, leads to an entire post about cheating. And fidelity. And honesty. How can I be honest with my Master, do ttwd while lying to my wife?
There just comes this time in life when you realize…this is it. This is what I have. I’ve spent decades making my family happy, my friends happy, everyone happy. When does it get to be my happy time?
I don’t drink. I don’t go on lavish vacations. I don’t spend tons of money on myself. I get up and start working. It’s a big, old house, always projects, cleaning …you know the drill. There’s the kids….care, cooking, schooling. There’s my wife…cooking, cleaning, talking, empathizing (coz, yanno…she works and…i don’t. Yes. She said that. For real)
I came painfully close to leaving, just before I started this blog. But….. I love my kids and want them to have a stable base. I don’t hate my wife. I don’t hate my life. It’s been 33 years…that’s a long time investment.
But there was something missing.
Physical affection, to be sure. We’ve not had a sexual relationship in nearly a decade. I’ve tried to talk about it, but she is kid-focused not me focused. It can be very frustrating. Very annoying. Pisses me off. Yet…this is my house, too. My kids, too. My life, too.
So yes. I could have come clean (and I did, a little). I was told I was gross and disgusting for my liking of porn…for being submissive. We’ve worked toward a middle ground of acceptance….like don’t ask, don’t tell…as far as my blog goes (she knows I have one)…but if she knew I was having a relationship, real-time, with a Man?
I’d be kicked to the curb.
So…. I’m careful. Diligent. I don’t see my Master when there is any chance of being seen. We meet at a very small Starbucks, which mostly serves a drive-through clientele in the morning, and the college crowd in the evenings. We talk when I’m alone in my bedroom at night (when my wife is either in her room at the other end of the house, or downstairs watching tv), or in the car alone.
I’m a Jezabel. A whore. A slut. All those things. A cheater. Yes. A liar. Yes. You can’t call me anything I haven’t called myself. But a starving woman will do what she can to get fed.
He feeds me. Fills me. Gives me the balance and care that I’ve needed for so long. And pain. He gives great pain.
Thanks for asking the question Amy.