Questions? Step on Up coz I have Answers!

I’m wondering when I’m going to get my writing jones back? It’s on vacation. Must be the heat. The post-recovery let down…i’m not in the “doldrums” but the kids are fussy (too hot, too fast) today.

And dear goddess do  I ever need to color my roots! Whoa. Scared the crap out of myself once my eyes went back to normal and I could see clearly? *shudders*

Perhaps later this afternoon I’ll have writing time, coz for now I have jots of time to sit and reply to questions.

Amy asked:

Does your wife know about your Master?

And the answer is no. No. Which of course, leads to an entire post about cheating. And fidelity. And honesty. How can I be honest with my Master, do ttwd while lying to my wife?

There just comes this time in life when you realize…this is it. This is what I have. I’ve spent decades making my family happy, my friends happy, everyone happy. When does it get to be my happy time?

I don’t drink. I don’t go on lavish vacations. I don’t spend tons of money on myself. I get up and start working. It’s a big, old house, always projects, cleaning …you know the drill. There’s the kids….care, cooking, schooling. There’s my wife…cooking, cleaning, talking, empathizing (coz, yanno…she works and…i don’t. Yes. She said that.  For real)

I came painfully close to leaving, just before I started this blog. But….. I love my kids and want them to have a stable base. I don’t hate my wife.  I don’t hate my life. It’s been 33 years…that’s a long time investment.

But there was something missing.

Physical affection, to be sure. We’ve not had a sexual relationship in nearly a decade. I’ve tried to talk about it, but she is kid-focused not me focused. It can be very frustrating. Very annoying. Pisses me off. Yet…this is my house, too. My kids, too. My life, too.

So yes. I could have come clean (and I did, a little). I was told I was gross and disgusting for my liking of porn…for being submissive. We’ve worked toward a middle ground of acceptance….like don’t ask, don’t tell…as far as my blog goes (she knows I have one)…but if she knew I was having a relationship, real-time, with a Man?

I’d be kicked to the curb.

So…. I’m careful. Diligent. I don’t see my Master when there is any chance of  being seen. We meet at a very small Starbucks, which mostly serves a drive-through clientele in the morning, and the college crowd in the evenings. We talk when I’m alone in my bedroom at night (when my wife is either in her room at the other end of the house, or downstairs watching tv), or in the car alone.

I’m a Jezabel. A whore. A slut. All those things. A cheater. Yes. A liar. Yes. You can’t call me anything I haven’t called myself.  But a starving woman will do what she can to get fed.

He feeds me. Fills me. Gives me the balance and care that I’ve needed for so long. And pain. He gives great pain.

Thanks for asking the question Amy.

18 thoughts on “Questions? Step on Up coz I have Answers!

  1. And to be honest, I see NOTHING wrong with your life choices. There are things that I would wish to be better, but… I applaud you for making choices. Scary some times and dicey, but your choices.

    I know I’ve had mine.

    Love you!

  2. I suspected that answer from some of your previous posts; however, I respect you for making the choices you did. I agree that at some point you have to take a look at your life and decide if it’s really moving in the direction you want it to go. It’s not selfish to finally decide you have to care for yourself a bit.

    My situation is much the same as yours except I have a madagascar quality vanilla husband. A husband who also happens to be an arrogant, overbearing, whiny demanding jerk. My hints at spice were met with ridicule and half assed attempts. It’s not *his* fault that his 30 seconds of fun do nothing for me. Unfortunately, the current economy doesnt allow for leaving, and I too have children who need stability. I’ve met somebody and for right now it fills a tiny bit of that craving and need.

    Don’t second guess yourself for the decisions you made. Sex in a relationship is not unnatural; a solid relationship can’t survive without it. Good luck to you.

    1. Yes, I totally understand you, Amy.

      My spouse doesn’t support any of my parenting ideas, doesn’t approve of my moving things around in the house, anything. I pretty much have a way of talking about something round’aboutly for a week or more at a time to get her thinking of it.

      “Gee the front hall is messy and disorganized.” yada yada. After a month I can make the change and it gets lauded. Sheesh.

      But that’s just life bullshit. I can deal with it. I don’t fight anymore, I just let it roll by me. I’m the disciplinarian, the homemaker, the cook the everything. But…it gets me that little free time to get what I need to hold me over until the next time…

      I wish you well as your journey unfolds as well.

      nilla

  3. This post made me want to put my head down on my desk and cry.

    “I’m a Jezabel. A whore. A slut. All those things. A cheater. Yes. A liar. Yes. You can’t call me anything I haven’t called myself. But a starving woman will do what she can to get fed.”

    This cuts right to the bone for me. It’s beautiful, ugly, poignant, all at the same time, and so very much my reality. I soooo envy you your self acceptance ‘nilla.

    1. Thank you monkey. It is all you have said here. And….it is not just my reality…it is one i share with many others…men and women who are paired up with mates who can’t/don’t know how to/ feed us.

      Some might “blame” porn for starting all of this…but for me? Finding out I wasn’t a mutant? That there was a name, a reality, for all these images and desires and needs inside of me? It was cathartic. A giant cosmic “yes” YES… OMG YES!

      And why shouldn’t I get what I need? I don’t get it every day (well, okay you could argue that I get texts and an email every day)…We only have sex every 7-9 weeks (that’s a max of 7 times a year) and face time 3 times a month, often for less than an hour.

      No. I’m a Jezabel, a whore, a slut, a cheater, a liar because of this choice I made. I did it, my choice, my actions. I get that I’m not perfect, that I’m taking something for myself that society would not only frown upon me for, but castigate and shame me for.

      I am at peace with that. I really am. I hope you find that place of acceptance in you. I don’t ever do this “guilt-free”…just so you know…that rides on my shoulder all the time…but I’ve balanced that. Yin and yang…

      nilla

    2. Thank you monkey. It is all you have said here. And….it is not just my reality…it is one i share with many others…men and women who are paired up with mates who can’t/don’t know how to/ feed us.

      Some might “blame” porn for starting all of this…but for me? Finding out I wasn’t a mutant? That there was a name, a reality, for all these images and desires and needs inside of me? It was cathartic. A giant cosmic “yes” YES… OMG YES!

      And why shouldn’t I get what I need? I don’t get it every day (well, okay you could argue that I get texts and an email every day)…We only have sex every 7-9 weeks (that’s a max of 7 times a year) and face time 3 times a month, often for less than an hour.

      No. I’m a Jezabel, a whore, a slut, a cheater, a liar because of this choice I made. I did it, my choice, my actions. I get that I’m not perfect, that I’m taking something for myself that society would not only frown upon me for, but castigate and shame me for.

      I am at peace with that. I really am. I hope you find that place of acceptance in you. I don’t ever do this “guilt-free”…just so you know…that rides on my shoulder all the time…but I’ve balanced that. Yin and yang…

      nilla

  4. I am afraid that more people who read blogs every day, may have problems at home with the lack of a sex life , than those that do have a happy sex life. Our sex life was really wonderful for 20years, and getting better every day, then on a Friday after a full week of just about anything we wanted, it stopped. I bet we haven’t had any type of meaningful sex in 8 years. I know I’m tired of it, but won’t leave her as the love is very deep. Tip

    1. How odd that it just … stopped.

      You know, we can talk about death. And taxes. And work. But one of the most important parts of a relationship is nearly impossible to discuss, for almost all of us. We don’t want to point out our partners inadequacy(ies)…and hurt them…but we also aren’t getting what we need. It’s a tricky line, to be sure. Thanks Tip for sharing your story.

      Hug,

      nilla

  5. Gosh, Nilla, were you peeking in my life when you wrote this post? I, too, applaud your “going for the happy time” cos that’s what I do too. Surely, we can’t all be wrong?

    Ana x

    1. I guess it depends on how you define “wrong”…I’m way more of a free-love hippy than a cloistered “one” person for another…I don’t discount the theory of “soulmates” but I do believe that there are many many many people who love wider than the narrower version of one to one relationships.

      (and biologically? It’s stupid, just sayin’…)

      nilla 🙂

  6. “I’m a Jezabel. A whore. A slut. All those things. A cheater. Yes. A liar. Yes. You can’t call me anything I haven’t called myself. But a starving woman will do what she can to get fed.”

    Been there and I like to call it beingg “human” 🙂
    ~viemoira

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