Whine Bitch Moan

Complain.

I feel like I am *full* of complaints. Vanilla life is crazed, and hectic. The next 6 weeks are going to be…over-filled with vanilla.

And yet.

I drive myself. Drive myself to come here and write and write and write and…suddenly I discovered…I’m not happy about *this* side of my life either. There are a few reasons for this, I think.

I’ve not been with Master (playtime) in 8 or 9 weeks. And while that’s not the longest stretch ever, (12 is), it is altogether likely that we won’t be able to match schedules until LATE May. No. no, i’m wrong there. June. Gods. Fucking JUNE.

And…

Although I *say* I don’t believe in PERFECTION…that it is unattainable, I strive for it.

Can’t miss a blogpost and *spoil* my perfect writing streak. Can’t misspell a word. Can’t put a story out without checking the editing two, three, or more times.

Can’t put out short posts…people want more, nilla, more!

Can’t put out long stuff…people don’t have time to read this stuff!

*screech of brakes*

Whoa.

My brain has been on this fucking roller coaster and I want to get off now, please.

You don’t have expectations of me.

I do.

I’m driving this fucking roller coaster; I’ve planned the route, the hills, the dips, the crazy spins.

I’m the one who can slow the ride down.

Put on the brakes.

Slow down the wild, the crazy. So…the big question is …why the fuck haven’t i?Why haven’t i stopped the train, gotten off, and gone for a walk?

Because.

I don’t want to break the streak. I don’t want to disappoint my fans. I don’t want to “let go” the reins. I don’t want to look like i’m “quitting” when I’m not. Other people post once or twice a week.  There are precious few of us who post daily. Aisha, Mick, and I, if i’m not mistaken. If i missed YOU, feel free to shout out and bitch slap me. 🙂   I could use a good slap!

Had a LONG talk with Master Monday night as is our wont. He drives home late, and I come along as his s sidekick slut, via His phone.

And i leaned on Him. Told Him how I’ve been feeling.

Stressed.

Staying up until midnight night after night. (writing)

Becoming obsessive about getting out the “perfect” blog post day after day.

“Don’t you write for your own smutty entertainment?”

In a small voice, i replied….”I used to, Master.”

And that’s the cap of it. I’ve gotten so fixated on the numbers…how many people came today to read? How many comments? Do you like me? Do you like my stories? That I forgot about the one person who comes here for the pure entertainment of being a sex-crazed, horny-assed, fucking needy slut.

The one who wants to read decent quality porn, that’s accurate, and edgy.

That’s sexy and deviant.

That’s so naughty, so scary; so caring, so wonderful.

Me.

I forgot I was writing for me….

“Master?” I said to Him in a quiet, subdued voice. “I think i need a blog-cation.”

A Blogcation? What a fabulous idea, nilla!

He is fully supportive…He understands the stress I put myself through (You wouldn’t believe the research I do to make my stories “right”…it’s time consuming, yet fulfilling…I don’t like to put inaccurate stuff out there, yanno? It might be porn but it doesn’t have to be stupid.)

(whoops, did you see that?  my little perfectionist just wrote that…)

🙂

So that’s the news. I may not post every day.

Fuck the record.

Fuck it.

It’s numbers.

And I’m a living, breathing, needy, tired woman, who is also horny, and wanton, and slutty and…

and I need a break, my pervie friends.

I’m not disappearing.

Not running away.

Just a vacation.

And it might not start tomorrow. Or next week. It could be a month from now…I just don’t want to have to obsess about writing every free moment. I want to enjoy my gardens. Enjoy the sunshine, the warm weather to come.

I know YOU all understand.

I’m just working on that silly perfectionist inside my head!