Hey You, Up There, It’s me, nilla. Like, WTF?

I’m working on breathing.

Deep breath in through my nose, then out.


-I hope-

I am meeting with my Master.

I need it.


I need HIM.

This has been a terrible week in nillaville.

*pauses for a moment*

yanno, I almost cannot resist the urge to go back and erase that word, “terrible”.

Coz…uncool things have happened. The week itself wasn’t terrible. My azaleas are blooming (a month early). My lawn is green, and the maples all have teeny tiny leaves.  My world is rich with the sounds and smells and colors of burgeoning life renewal.

On Tuesday my wife was…extremely unwilling to bend from a position she has taken, and threatened to divorce me if I crossed the line…

uh oh, you are thinking.

she found out about nilla, about the sex, about her Master.

*almost smiles*



is over….

(you really will think I’m making this up.  I’m not.)

Over chicken.

And our kids.

She is a rabid vegetarian.

I am an omnivore.

A few weeks ago, after a particularly busy morning, I swung by McD’s and got the kids happy meals for  literally, the first time, ever.  Chicken nuggets, mini fries, apple slices and a soft drink.

Four chicken nuggets.

I violated the Vegetarian Edict. I broke her trust. I ….I should be tarred and feathered. I should be denounced.

If I do it again, she’ll divorce me.


Would *I* make up that kind of lousy fiction?

I laughed. I said “you’d stand in front of a judge and say you want a divorce coz your wife fed the kids chicken nuggets”

She wasn’t kidding.

And it was like a body blow, yanno? Fine. Fuck it.

Master was there for me that night. As I cried, and whimpered. Not over the possibility of a divorce…but over the cold and uncaring woman I am partnered with. Not the woman I married…she’s…harder, colder. Unyielding.

And I know you’ll say, just do it. Just divorce and be done with it all.

But I can’t.  I’m a full-time stay at home mom. My kids are home with me all day, every day. I’m as deeply bonded to them as they are to me, to be honest.  Leaving them…and let’s be fully real here, would kill me.  Split custody, yada yada.


death would be easier.

So there I am Tuesday night kinda spinning in my own juices. Master gives me an O and I finally decide to take it. Thankfully I got off just two minutes before midnight…as He is quite strict about those sorts of things.

Wednesday dawns, and I’m still emotionally tender. Won’t kiss my wife bye as she leaves for work. Like, are you fucking kidding? I turn my head and keep ironing. Yes. Shocking.

I like to iron.


I get an email from work asking for a meeting in the late afternoon.

And when I go, I am told that my position is being eliminated.


Just like that.

It’s not a giant amount of money. It was one day a week. But it gave me some financial flexibility. It gave me a break from my kids, my family.

And I made a difference for some kids. Kids who never got one-on-one time with an adult. Kids who were craving that kind of attention.

I’ve never been fired before.

Call it what you will. Fired. Eliminated.

My self-worth is not tied to my job.

But I’ve worked at that company, in some form or other, for all of my adult working years.  When we were sold, I knew this day could come.  It still stung.


It still stings.

Not my pride, not really.

It wasn’t “me” they were firing. People like me. I’m good at my job. It was the job that was fired, and I was in it.

Fuck that.

I’m having a bit of temper, a bit of sad about it, if you don’t mind.

Today is Saturday and I should be at work.

Breathing in.

Breathing out.

Tomorrow I will be with my Master, and all will be ….not fixed.

But better.

So much better, just for that touch of Him.