Hey You, Up There, It’s me, nilla. Like, WTF?

I’m working on breathing.

Deep breath in through my nose, then out.


-I hope-

I am meeting with my Master.

I need it.


I need HIM.

This has been a terrible week in nillaville.

*pauses for a moment*

yanno, I almost cannot resist the urge to go back and erase that word, “terrible”.

Coz…uncool things have happened. The week itself wasn’t terrible. My azaleas are blooming (a month early). My lawn is green, and the maples all have teeny tiny leaves.  My world is rich with the sounds and smells and colors of burgeoning life renewal.

On Tuesday my wife was…extremely unwilling to bend from a position she has taken, and threatened to divorce me if I crossed the line…

uh oh, you are thinking.

she found out about nilla, about the sex, about her Master.

*almost smiles*



is over….

(you really will think I’m making this up.  I’m not.)

Over chicken.

And our kids.

She is a rabid vegetarian.

I am an omnivore.

A few weeks ago, after a particularly busy morning, I swung by McD’s and got the kids happy meals for  literally, the first time, ever.  Chicken nuggets, mini fries, apple slices and a soft drink.

Four chicken nuggets.

I violated the Vegetarian Edict. I broke her trust. I ….I should be tarred and feathered. I should be denounced.

If I do it again, she’ll divorce me.


Would *I* make up that kind of lousy fiction?

I laughed. I said “you’d stand in front of a judge and say you want a divorce coz your wife fed the kids chicken nuggets”

She wasn’t kidding.

And it was like a body blow, yanno? Fine. Fuck it.

Master was there for me that night. As I cried, and whimpered. Not over the possibility of a divorce…but over the cold and uncaring woman I am partnered with. Not the woman I married…she’s…harder, colder. Unyielding.

And I know you’ll say, just do it. Just divorce and be done with it all.

But I can’t.  I’m a full-time stay at home mom. My kids are home with me all day, every day. I’m as deeply bonded to them as they are to me, to be honest.  Leaving them…and let’s be fully real here, would kill me.  Split custody, yada yada.


death would be easier.

So there I am Tuesday night kinda spinning in my own juices. Master gives me an O and I finally decide to take it. Thankfully I got off just two minutes before midnight…as He is quite strict about those sorts of things.

Wednesday dawns, and I’m still emotionally tender. Won’t kiss my wife bye as she leaves for work. Like, are you fucking kidding? I turn my head and keep ironing. Yes. Shocking.

I like to iron.


I get an email from work asking for a meeting in the late afternoon.

And when I go, I am told that my position is being eliminated.


Just like that.

It’s not a giant amount of money. It was one day a week. But it gave me some financial flexibility. It gave me a break from my kids, my family.

And I made a difference for some kids. Kids who never got one-on-one time with an adult. Kids who were craving that kind of attention.

I’ve never been fired before.

Call it what you will. Fired. Eliminated.

My self-worth is not tied to my job.

But I’ve worked at that company, in some form or other, for all of my adult working years.  When we were sold, I knew this day could come.  It still stung.


It still stings.

Not my pride, not really.

It wasn’t “me” they were firing. People like me. I’m good at my job. It was the job that was fired, and I was in it.

Fuck that.

I’m having a bit of temper, a bit of sad about it, if you don’t mind.

Today is Saturday and I should be at work.

Breathing in.

Breathing out.

Tomorrow I will be with my Master, and all will be ….not fixed.

But better.

So much better, just for that touch of Him.


25 thoughts on “Hey You, Up There, It’s me, nilla. Like, WTF?

  1. HUGS!!!!! I’m sorry, 4 chicken nuggets? Good grief. And to threaten divorce? I’m sorry. That is beyond DAFT. I certainly hope she wears no leather, doesn’t eat butter or ice cream nor takes any homeopathic meds. Otherwise, she’s eating animals and wearing animals. Oh, and don’t forget flu shots and 99% of all vaccines. And if she’s hit menopause, I hope she’s not on any hormone replacements. GADS!

    I’m sorry you lost your job. HUGS! That is always rough. Especially when it is a “we don’t need you anymore” type of thing. BTDT. Didn’t like it. And to be honest, I think it is actually harder for those of us with a sub nature. There is no way to redress it.

    I really HOPE that you get time with your Master. I will keep my fingers crossed and all that stuff. Our life has been crazy, so I’m hoping for some fun as well. Thinking Lots of Good Thoughts for you dear!
    Love you Heartsister!

    • Thanks for all the love and support.

      Yes, wife does not wear leather. Or fur. Only synthetic leather (belts and such). She is not a vegan, however….she was for awhile and that is one time i put MY foot down.

      cooking vegan food is a HUGE pain in the ass. I hated the taste of food with egg-replacer powder in it…so i refused to go that extreme. So there are eggs in the food she eats, and some cheese. she rarely eats ice cream, and only uses soy milk in her tea. So she really does live her beliefs, I cannot knock her there.

      she does make “ugh” noises if she sees that I’m eating meat…in fact I am not “allowed” to eat meat in the house, nor prep it, with exception of the bbq grille outside, and turkey at Thanksgiving (and only because my family comes here for the meal…otherwise we’d be turkey free.)

      I’m trying to look at it as if Master had issued that edict. We do NOT have that sort of dynamic, but most times I am more subservient to her wishes…it makes it more bearable, because the payoff to my “swallowing” is a peaceful house.

      We all live with imperfections, right? And struggles. Once a long time ago, we were good for and to each other. And when my daughter turns 18, I may well leave. That was my promise to her. We shall see how the next 13 years go.

      Love you back…


      • Still…. lots and lots of hugs! I stayed with my ex because of my children, and while in some ways it was the right thing to do. In others it was the wrong thing to do.
        I hope you have a grand time with your Master.

  2. PS… Wolf says get some chicken buckets from KFC and give them to the children for drums. Use them for planters, store bread or fruit in them. Have them all over the house. ps… no bunnies were harmed in the making of these buckets.
    (yeah, he’s growling)

    • ( hate KFC… my dad almost choked to death on a chicken bone from them when I was a teen, and I’ve never, ever gone into one since…I can’t look at them without shuddering)..


      • Sorry. geep.

        Make it Banquet Chicken boxes then. Or Popeye’s chicken. Hell, buy chicken scented air freshener and spritz it around.
        He sends extra big furry hugs!

  3. I, too, have been on the receiving end of a “we don’t need you any more, goodbye” type of termination. In my case, it was due to the shutdown of a cable local origination station by a major cable company that will remain nameless (cough-Comcrap-cough). This after telling the community at large they were “committed to local news and local sports” for 11 months. The kicker-this happened November 30th. But I would have to disagree with Wordwytch one one of her points. It isn’t any easier on a Dom than it is on a sub. Terminated (no matter how) is terminated. However, since that door’s closed, start looking for a window. I’ll bet you”ll find something better soon.

    As for your wife… I have to agree with Wordwytch. She said it so well.

    • I agree, Gardener…no matter if you are a Top or bottom…it stings.

      It didn’t affect my feeling of self worth, though I did go through most of the “grief stages”…sadness, anger, loss, anger, acceptance.

      And today feels surreal, to be home and on the blog. My family has a life built without me being here on Saturday; I won’t see them until lunchtime. And it’s okay, now.

      As to the wife…yeah. it was shitty. It sucked. She is very opinionated. And she is turning into her mother. That last thought scares me more than a little bit. Her mother is a bitchy shrew.


  4. Hoping you get time with your Master… finger crossed hard, and toes too.

    As for your wife, ok, hmmm, is she really that rabidly anti-chicken or is she just that controlling? Either way, it’s chilling that she would take it to that extreme. i’m so sorry. But it is certainly interesting information to have.

    And of course i’m dreadfully sorry about your job too, i know that’s got to be super painful. And the fact that i think it’s the universe’s way of clearing the tracks for other things to happen for you ~ whatever they may be ~ doesn’t make it the least bit less painful or any easier to deal with. The people you worked with have suffered a real loss too.

    Sending lots of hugs and positive energy.



    • chilling.

      yes, exactly. She is a total vegetarian…well, I’ve called her a veggie-Nazi, which is harsh right back, right? I’ve tried to reason with her…after all LInda McCartney was a vegetarian, and she died of breast cancer. And hell, we will ALL die someday. There are toxins in the air, both natural and man-made. It is in the water…and in our biochemistry. Every time we digest food, breath, our body emits toxins. It is part of the life-cycle of humans.

      She doesn’t get it.

      I even reminded her about all those people who got sick (and quite a few deaths, as I recall) relating to those bags of packaged spinach a few years ago.

      *shrugs* I cannot change her, only my response to her, right. She is not open to dialogue, only to “convince” me that I am wrong.

      Most of the time it isn’t that bad…our time together is very limited, really. She’s usually off withe kids after dinner; I’m just hoping to maintain civility.


  5. Wow Nilla — what a horrible week.
    I hope you get to see M and recharge your battery.

    I won’t kibitz in anyone else’s marriage — but I’m saddened that such a small issue is confronted with marital napalm instead of a conversation about disappointment.

    after all — are McD nuggets even really meat?


    • oh, marital napalm.

      what a *perfect* description for what happened.

      I will add, that she was incredibly supportive on Wednesday when I lost my job. We work in the same place, and she had no idea it was going to happen..When I came home all teary, she was nice.

      I don’t think she’ll ever bend on the vegetarian issue…sigh.

      And I did laugh out loud at your speculation of “are they really meat?” LOL… I had a conversation with someone just last week about what they do to nuggets (they chop them up fine and bread them with a special breading that makes it all fast and easy to chew….so that they can be quickly ingested…so you can get more. And more. And more.)


  6. Sir B, you know you have to see nilla on Sunday, we love her and really need you to take care of her for even a little while. If you need any help just let me know. Tip

    • 🙂

      Tip, you always say the bestest things to me! And while I’m not certain if it will be a morning or evening visit with Him…it is on the docket for tomorrow! *smiling* I’ll tell him you’re available to ‘help’… 🙂


    • Thanks butterfly…so sweet…hugs always accepted! I am feeling better today, than when i wrote this, to be sure!


    • Thanks Mick…I am feeling better today. Kind of surreal, to be home. And i am a firm believer in another door opening for me…


    • Thanks vixen…and I am much better today than when I wrote this, late Thursday night. I got a lot of the “bitter” out.

      But I’ll keep those hugs iffin you don’t mind…. 🙂


  7. nilla, I hope you do get to see your Master tomorrow.
    Makes my blood boil reading that over chicken nuggets no less.
    Keep your chin up and like sbf said you will come out a stronger person. Better days ahead.

  8. ‘Nilla –
    I’ve followed your blog for some months, but never commented before.
    I’ve been in the position of being ‘locked in’ to a relationship due to being a stay-at-home mom. Even now, I’m making long-range plans for my personal happiness based on the kids’ reaching adulthood.
    How wonderful that you have someone in your life who meets your emotional and physical needs even though
    your SO can’t or won’t.
    As for money, have you considered self-publishing your stories through Smashwords or elsewhere? They’re that good; in fact, better than most!

    • hi cyn, and welcome to commenting! I love when people “de-cloak”! You understand exactly where I am, I see. and it’s sorry I am that you are in the same position. Do you have someone to “feed” you in tiny bits and pieces as I do my Master? I hope so, i so do. Hug… nilla

      • Nilla –
        I do, thank you. It’s someone I was quite close to about 15 years ago. Our lives took different directions, and although we never completely lost touch, in the last few years we really reconnected online. We each have reasons to stay with our SOs, for now, but tomorrow night we’re taking things to the next level…of talking by phone! Being separated from him by half the country, how I envy your opportunities, limited though they may be, to see Master in person.

      • (I so hate hitting the Post button prematurely.)
        I hope today’s meeting was all you hoped for.
        Hugging back,

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