Why?

Why do people put spam on emails if there is no “real” place for people to go to when they click on it?

Why does spam annoy me?

Why am I checking my phone a bazillion times a day waiting on His every word?

Why am I cranky?

Why hasn’t He texted me almost all day?

Oh.

Right. He has been in very little contact with me today. That *does* make me cranky. Cranky enough that something as ordinary as posts that were caught in my “spam-net” annoyed me. Cranky enough that I was growling as I did my evening “plank”. Cranky enough that I couldn’t think of one nice thing to write here.

Not feeling sexy.

Not feeling sexual.

Not feeling needed/wanted/cared about….

and isn’t that just fucking ridiculous?

Of course He loves me. Didn’t He, just yesterday, text me those 4 Words that proves he does? What, one fucking day goes by with barely a word and I have to get all…”ooohh”?

I hate that.

I love being dependent on Him, but it has this really dark shadow hiding just below the surface, doesn’t it? Fear. Doubt. Worry. If I’m not vigilant and watchful for them, they tend to sneak up on me and start nibbling my toes. If I don’t notice that? They munch more and more of me until I “suddenly” feel unsexual, unneeded, unloved.

And we all know how fucking crazy that is.

*rolling eyes*

Okay, I’m banishing those nasty little shadows, with their subtle bites of doubt. He’s busy. I’ve been busy all damn day…so I should just chill out, relax, and be a bit more patient. He’d like that immensely. That I didn’t go all “womanish” on Him and yelp and bark for attention when He just doesn’t have time to spare.

I want that touch.

I want it enough to know when to sit quietly, be patient, and wait like the good girl He wants me to be.

I just wish it wasn’t so fucking hard.

update! His phone is not able to send texts…He is having issues and instead He left me a voice mail! I’ll call and talk to Him after all. Funny how that all came about after I came to a place of calm about it. 🙂