The Science of the Fart

Oh, how fucking embarrassing to write that title. Coz you *have* to know what’s coming right? Let me back up, though, to the very beginning.

It all begins, as it should, with Master.

And……it’s all Master’s fault.

I’ve pointed that out to Him, innumerable times. If He wasn’t so danged set on fucking my ass…well…you shove a pole up someone’s poop chute…. and that’s where the “science of a fart” bit comes in.

That’s not the only thing “coming in” as it were. (nor going out, as it were. But I get ahead of myself….you all know how I am with imagery like that!)

So I’ll say it again. Fart. Fart. Fart.

It’s okay. Laugh. I know, farts are funny. We laugh at the tasteless humor of them when we hear one at church, or at work, or at the bar, or in the movies. Hell, we laugh about farts ALL the time, right?

Uummmm….unless.

Unless they’re YOUR farts and they pop out at an inopportune time…

But I digress.

I was talking about science.

So, if you take an asshole, and I don’t mean your ex-boyfriend/lover, but an actual anus.

(I can’t pass judgement on whether s/he *is* an actual anus. That would be completely unscientific.)

So, to get back to your anus…. 🙂 . There in your butt, you have a long tube lined with muscles. At the end is the anal ring. That sphincter muscle has an important job…it keeps you from pooping at the mall, at work, in your car…where ever you happen to be. It will only release (as long as it’s working properly, that is) when YOU are in an appropriate space of your choice, such as your mother-in-laws living room…I mean…a toilet…*shakes head*…(I”m *such* a bad girl today!)

Ever see a dog show or a horse exhibition? Like during the Olympics when the horses stop what they are doing (or don’t) and just poop on the fly? They don’t give a shit where it goes. They gotta go, they go. 🙂

Not so much for us socially trained creatures. We don’t stop in the middle of the grocery, squat and release.

Thank you Anus!

As I understand it, for my Master, anyway, broaching that tight ring is quite pleasurable. For the sub…it’s stressful.

And erotic.

And painful, and erotic.

And embarrassing.

I mean, hell, someone is fucking your asshole. Your pooper. Your …well, there are lots of euphemisms for it. I don’t think I need to elaborate there, do I? Yeah. Okay, moving on.

You take that tight ring, stretch the fuck out of it….(yeah, that was a pun. It’s okay to laugh there.  🙂  ) and insert a rigid tool there…and what happens to all that air that was just in there? Not like your asshole is *inflated* per se, but there is a certain amount of air there.

Then you shove it deep up into the bowels. The cock withdraws…(yum. I like that part…unless He pulls it all the way out and does the whole re-insertion thing. Again. And again. And again. Bastard.) And what does He do?

You got it.

He shoves his fuck-rod right back up there, in effect, plunging even MORE air up that tunnel.

This can go on for a while.

All that airgas moves upwards until it hits a magical stopping point…and it halts, all confused.

There might be something else in the way sayin’…’yo, dummy…you’se goin’ the wrong fuckin’ way.’

To which the air would say “exactly!”

And then turn around and head back down.

You know what happens at some later point. It could be a short while, or a long while. But eventually… ?

Pffft.

or even

Pfffffft.

Or worse?

PRRRRRFFFFFTTTTT….!

And do you know when the absolute *worst* time for that to occur is?

Other than church. C’mon, now, you guys aren’t even tryin’ here.

Think.

Right, you’re getting closer…

When Master has His head between my thighs.

Sucking on my clit.

Licking my pussy.

Rubbing his beard all over that sensitive place.

Making me cum and squeeeeze hard…and….

Pfffff

ffffffffffttttttttttt…!

“OMG Master I’m so SORRY!”

I gulp, and snort, and giggle and BLUSH…

His head pops up.

“nilla!”

“Y-yes Sir?”

I’m giggling and embarrassed and want the bed to open and let me fall inside and close up and swallow me whole….

“Did you just fucking FART on me?” There is a pause…

and then He yelps…

“I”M BLIND!!!! OMG SHE BLINDED ME…!”

And then I’m hysterical with laughter, as I’m sure He intended. Of course,  He’s been teasing me about this ever since.

And then this comes as we talk a day or so later, recalling all the special moments of our time together…. and this um…not-so-special, albeit funny, moment.

“Oh nill-la”

“Yes Master?”

“Bloggable.”

fuuuuuuuck.

About vanillamom

For over 8 years--(EIGHT?!) nilla and M have been a D/s couple. I'm the "small s" side of that designation, as he often reminds me. I'm silly and prone to giggling at inopportune times. He's a wicked Sadist, who feeds me my drug of choice--pain. My brain is always spinning dirty and dark little fantasies, which I sometimes share with the world. Welcome to the nilla-verse. It's wet and slippery here...with a dragon or two lurking.
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32 Responses to The Science of the Fart

  1. Wordwytch says:

    ROFLOLSTD! (scaring the dog) Oh Nilla. I do love your real life posts. 🙂 They make my day. We’ve all been there. We’ve all done it… Fart that is during sex. However, only you seem to be brave enough to actually write about it! And for the record, fisting does the same thing, only there isn’t a sphincter to hold all that air in place. Sooo embarassing!

  2. Yup- raises hand- happens here– lots. Seems that all the jostling around during sex for me is like when you pat a baby to get it to burp. The minute we stop and roll over for cuddling … Well…. You know….. Prrrfffffffft.

    • vanillamom says:

      yeah! yeah!

      that’s it *exactly*!! I used to put my son over my thighs and rub him, and tip him and….gee a lot of sex positions DO resemble that…

      giggles…

      Thanks for the insight, Mrs. SB!

      nilla

  3. Wordwytch says:

    I read this to Wolf. When he got done giggling he said to share this with you… http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x11lvw_thomas-dolby-she-blinded-me-with-sc_music#.UQ4HFxC3HZs

  4. aisha says:

    Dear ‘nilla,

    All i can say is that you are not unique.

    • vanillamom says:

      🙂

      Not unique and yet…is farting the last bastion of “unmentionables” in our lifestyle? I think we should have a meeting about it.

      *falls over laughing*

      fttttttttttt….

      (and making fart noises)

      nilla

  5. striving for Peace says:

    you have no idea how much conversation I’ve had about farting already this weekend — LOVE THIS

    sfp

  6. Been there, done that.I tried to warn my man. He thought I was simply squirming trying to get away to calm down.. nooooo. When he was farted on I was so embarrassed and told him I had tried to push him off and get away and he wouldn’t budge. Now if I start squirming he will say, ” Do I need to move or are we good..” yeah lesson learned.

    • vanillamom says:

      mwhahahahaha!

      oh angel, that’s a riot! “do I need to move or are we good?” mwhahahaha…

      oh gosh that cracks me up! Thanks so much for sharing that one!

      nilla

  7. abby says:

    OMG>>>LOL…it’s good to know we all have company!
    hugs abby

    • vanillamom says:

      And that’s why I wrote this. Well, other than HIM demanding it….we *all* have been there. Done that (blushed about it).

      Thanks for commenting, abby!

      nilla

  8. SouthernSir says:

    All I can say is it was a good thing I didn’t have a mouthful of coffee when I read this.

  9. ancilla_ksst says:

    LMAO!!!!! I have never once done that, but only because he’s never gone down on me after fucking my ass, This is hilarious though!

    • vanillamom says:

      be verrrrrah careful about those words like “never”… I “never” thought I’d fart when with Him, and yet…I have. *sigh* so much for being a “lady” and a tramp… *giggle*

      nilla

  10. monkey ;(|) says:

    ROFLMAO!!!! My inner prissy grandma was getting all uptight as the story went on, and then you came to the “She blinded me” and I did spit coffee, thank goodness I was fast enough to turn my head. Missed the laptop, whew!

    • vanillamom says:

      LOL…I love the inner prissy grandma…I think my filters are lower partly coz of TTWD, and party coz I live with three boys…and you know how boys can be about body functions… 🙂

      nilla

      ps glad your lappy is okay!

  11. faithful says:

    Holy crap (no pun intended!!). The laughter after would be my downfall- because once I start guess what comes out the other end 🙂

    ~faithful

    • vanillamom says:

      LOL…you nailed it, faithful…that’s exactly what happened “after” the big one…and He *knew* it would happen and made me laugh anyway.

      🙂

      nilla

  12. sirqsmlb says:

    ROTFLOL…so, now imagine me telling my sir why I was snorting after/while reading this and sir rolling his eyes and explaining how “cute” I am (which I loathe).

    Oh nilla, you make me laugh!!

    Thanks,
    Fiona

    • vanillamom says:

      *laughing*

      it is the universal thing that we don’t talk about….and I have no filters so I’ll talk about *anything*….

      glad you laughed…and I think your Sir’s reaction was hysterical!

      nilla

  13. dryfly2005 says:

    You are a very funny slut. Tip

  14. What I want to point out is that NO ONE seems to be sympathizing with the tops here, the ones who are the direct object of all this hot air.

    How unfair is THAT?

    • vanillamom says:

      giggle…

      I WAS sorry…when I could stop giggling with embarrassment about the whole sordid affair…

      It is pretty embarrassing, you know…and I’ll NEVER live it down.

      Like…ever.

      nilla

  15. Rori says:

    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha,,, -deep breath- …ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

    Can’t. Stop. Laughing. This is brilliant.

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