nilla rambles…yes, again

So, where is my head tonight as I write? Ah, a funny thing you should ask. I did get some face time with Master after work tonight, which was really nice. We talked, flirted. He pinched me some on my arms, tickled me a bit (why, why am I so fucking ticklish??!!) and it was a nice chance to “touch” one another for the first time since play time.

I told Him of some of the “negative” feedback regarding the HNT pictures, comments which surprised me, frankly. He reminded me that TTWD is a continuum…and though *I*’ve been here for 3.5 years, many readers are “new” to me and to U/us…and haven’t followed the path to where we were, and where we’ve come from, and where we’ve yet to go.

And that helped give me some perspective.

I’m very proud of my bruises, you see. They prove something to me, several somethings. That I am strong. I often feel like I’m not, you know. Because I’m also so very, very needy, which makes me feel…you know…weak.

The bruises prove something else. That He can hurt me with love. Because HE needs it. That we’ve found this connection of yin-yang that pleases us both.

They are beauty marks. Marks of His love for me, written all over my body. The bite marks are especially special…reminders of a ferocious bout of sex and pleasure and pain, a dance of primeval lust. Marks of my love for Him, that I can take this pain, that my body transforms His beast beatings into a lust-fire so intense it’s a wonder we aren’t both consumed by the conflagration.

This blog is not just a place of sexy stories, but also the place where I talk of my journey. It’s the place where I found myself when I first started questioning why. Why did all those “perverted” stories that I’d been reading turn me into a wet puddle of goo as I surreptitiously read them? Why did my heart pound and my pussy ooze when I read of real people. Real women? People who did this…for real?

They called themselves “submissives”. . . but who did that, really? Let themselves be used. “Holes” they were, there to be used however their “owners” wanted. Kaya was my first, soon followed by doubleknot. They were sexual slaves.

I was so far removed from all of that. I was a good girl-a good woman. Sure, I hadn’t had sex with my spouse (a woman) for years. Sure I’d always had feelings towards both men and women. But I was a lesbian. And I was a good girl.

Except.

Except…I began to suspect that I wasn’t a good girl. Not in my head. Not between my legs. I tried to “quit” and went a month without reading any of “those” blogs. And found myself curious. Insatiably curious. What if.

What if I wasn’t a “normal” woman, what if I had these submissive feelings for real?

I was a good girl…except for that one, niggling question.

Ah, that “except” has made all the difference, hasn’t it?

I keep that poem by Frost where I can read it every day. The Road Less Traveled. I’ve even posted it here. It is my “touchstone”, or what some might call a defense–for I, I took the road less traveled by-and that has made all the difference.

So–I ask you to not judge my Master, nor I, by my bruises. By His ability…no…His desire to make me, mark me, as His, nor my desire to bear them.  I ask you to not judge Him or me, at all, just as you would not want to be judged for how you and your Master/Sir, or slave/sub/girl/boi handle your relationships.

You’ll never know where this journey will take you as you move along…maybe you’re a dabbler and you’ll stop at a few spankings. Maybe you’re adventuresome and will want to pierce, or tattoo or brand your slave. Maybe you’re so enthralled with your Dominant that you’ll do just about anything (barring of course, removal of limbs, having sex with cattle, or harming family members…you know, sensible stuff.)…the point here?

It’s not for me to judge your kink.

Nor is it for you to judge mine.

I’m not going to feel put off by those who think my bruises are extreme, since they please me too much. I just really needed to get this off my chest.

Because bruises of the body? Those I’m happy (and desirous) to bear for Him. Bruises of the spirit caused by naysayers? Nah. Those I’m just going to let those slide on by.

🙂

About vanillamom

For over 8 years--(EIGHT?!) nilla and M have been a D/s couple. I'm the "small s" side of that designation, as he often reminds me. I'm silly and prone to giggling at inopportune times. He's a wicked Sadist, who feeds me my drug of choice--pain. My brain is always spinning dirty and dark little fantasies, which I sometimes share with the world. Welcome to the nilla-verse. It's wet and slippery here...with a dragon or two lurking.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

38 Responses to nilla rambles…yes, again

  1. Well said, Nilla! I agree with you totally.

  2. dancingbarez says:

    So sorry you got upsetting comments. The bruises were beautiful, do you get sad when they fade? That happens to this slave , they are something to be cherished.

    Your blog is one read on a daily basis and your ramblings as you call them are just as loved as your amazing stories. Don’t worry about others; they do not have read if they find it too bothersome. Your playdate sounds awesome and it is clear you are in a loving relationship.

    Hugs

    • vanillamom says:

      Thanks dancingbarez…

      i *do* get sad when they fade…i poke them and they don’t show, don’t hurt anymore and it makes me pout a bit.

      Thanks for your comments…they are always appreciated. My Master loves me, this i know. He may not say it every day, but it’s a thread that runs through everything we do.

      hug back,

      nilla

  3. sesolosapessero says:

    Nilla, you have nothing to apologize for. We submissive s wear our Master’s marks proudly..we wear their collars proudly…and we make no excuses for any of it. Those who don’t understand judge or make fun because they are narrow minded and refuse to believe people like us exist. Your marks are beautiful and were put there by a Master who loves you. If they want to be rude about it, fuck them in the ass with a sharp stuck!!!

  4. Wordwytch says:

    Dear Heartsister, while I might question your sanity on some issues (not kink), I would never judge you. I love you for who you are and I’m happy that you have your Master and your painful pleasure. For that matter, if it wasn’t for your damn FSCT, I would never have opened up to the kinks in my own life. Oh, and it still cracks me up that I don’t bruise.

    As for those that don’t understand your love of pain and bruises, marks and bites, I’m sorry they don’t understand. Perhaps they will some day.

    Lots of love and hugs!

    • vanillamom says:

      :)….

      thank you.

      for what it’s worth? I NEVER, EVER, EVER thought that I’d enjoy pain. Ever.

      The fucking? oh O I could get behind that. But to say that I’d be turned on by being hit? Not so much.

      heh. and here I am…painslut, horny, and happy.

      nilla

      • Wordwytch says:

        I know that you never expected to enjoy pain. That’s why your journey has been so great. You had no idea and now… 🙂 You know what makes you happy.

        And… I have you and that damned FSCT to blame for my own ‘addiction’ to spanking.

  5. Fondles says:

    *claps*
    I can’t say that I understand nor share your delight in being marked. But I definitely accept it as part of your kink.
    I think that’s really what it’s all about. not judging.

    • vanillamom says:

      YES!

      exactly…some people see them as shameful or bad or whatever…but for me? They are beautiful effects of his hard and loving hand on my flesh.

      🙂 The most important thing, really, is to not judge one another for our various kinks. (and on that same note, remembering that “fantasy kink” is not the same thing as being desirous of having it happen in real life!)

      nilla

  6. sofia says:

    Well said, ‘nilla. It’s easy for other people to be judgmental, but i think this lifestyle calls us to a more open place for other people. Doesn’t mean we have to do things we don’t like ourselves, but not judging others is really important to me. i feel the same way you do about marks, and wish i had some!!

    sofia

    • vanillamom says:

      not everyone bruises easily…I have always done so. Even before TTWD (this thing we do) I used to have wicked bruises from walking into my desk when I worked in an office, or banging into the bathroom door or whatever. I don’t recall a time in my life when I wasn’t bruised!! LOL..

      and yes, I’m healthy. Just a soft peach of a woman. 🙂

      nilla

  7. greengirl says:

    I don’t bruise easily – at all. And my husband very much likes to see his marks. It’s a thing i really wish i could give him/do for him. I think an awful lot of us know exactly how you feel. It’s too bad that some can’t see another point of view beyond their own. Life’s a lot more of an adventure when you can.

    • vanillamom says:

      🙂

      That’s it, in a nutshell – //life’s a lot more of an adventure when you can//

      exactly that!

      I could have gone on and lived a normal vanilla (boring) life…and been..reasonably content.

      But now, three years into this?

      I’m *happy* …happier than I’ve been in decades.

      thanks for getting it.

      nilla

  8. striving for Peace says:

    Good for you — and good for your Master for putting it in perspective

    sfp

  9. ancilla_ksst says:

    I cherish my marks too. Right now I have three or four cuts that were made my his belt. And while he was gone over the weekend I was in the bathroom looking in the mirror at them and remembering how great that night was. I also proudly showed off my cut lip to my friends. They understand (kinky friends). Yay for marks!

    • vanillamom says:

      Yay for kinky friends and marks that hang around a while. The fork makes tiny little scratchs along my flesh, that I can feel as they heal….

      so many have faded already. That always makes me a bit sad, as you can imagine.

      Thanks for the positivity!

      nilla

  10. ytysreloaded says:

    Well that brought out a little ferocity in me. I saw the comments, was confused, hurt for you. Something I’ve learned especially in the path outside if my professional career, the one where expose and make myself vulnerable People are going to have irrational opinons. Even if thy fanatsize and reap fruit from those fantasies. Because it is easier to be naughty in the dark. It is easier to not have to face the reflection in what they consider “dirty” or “harmful”. Then here you are, more than just writing, living these fantasies. Sometimes showing bruises. It throws them into a tail spin, what a monster! Who could do that! Blah blah blah. My question is, how can you desire something that is not harmful but still deny yourself? Who would do that?! Why are they doing that? Why stifle your passion if you desire it enough to read these blogs?

    • vanillamom says:

      Thanks andi…I love your fierceness. It was a momentary hurt and from someone I don’t even know…

      But I do appreciate your rallying around my campfire!

      HUG,

      nilla

  11. dryfly2005 says:

    Nilla, your body, your brusies, your blog, and I’m a big fan of all of it. Some caution with your breast tissue may be needed. I looked into problems with rough treatment with ladies out of their mid 30’s , and caution is needed. i don’t ask about rope since, only a weeek or so, but I’m not asking again. Tip

    • i Agree with you there even group members i know at a munch or a club say the same to get checked

    • vanillamom says:

      🙂

      I actually did go read at the American Cancer Society website after reading your comment and there is no correlation between bruising and an increase in breast cancer.

      I lost my mom to the disease, and never had a biological child/no breastfeeding, and those two factors are actually more serious as to whether I’d ever get it.

      So I figure I should play with them as much as possible before I ever get diagnosed.

      Thanks for your caring and concern…very much appreciated.

      nilla

  12. SouthernSir says:

    nilla such wonderful ramblings, there are many who may not understand what TTWD is really about. They see the images posted about on the net, the videos that are so far from the reality. They don’t know what flows beneath. I like that The Road Less Traveled is your guidepost….that poem has always been my favorite as well.

    • vanillamom says:

      Thanks S. Sir…

      One of my favorite Frost poems, to be sure. And there are many who play at TTWD without ever “getting it”…and each to their own, right?

      Thanks for the support…it means a lot!

      nilla

      • April says:

        Question; could you translate TTWD for me please? I’ve got no clue what that means. Probably once translated I will smack my head and say ” duh.” But for the moment, no clue. 🙂
        April

      • April says:

        Told you, smack to the forehead “duh.”
        Thank you! 🙂
        April

      • vanillamom says:

        that’s okay,, I can’t remember smh….and I’ve been told a dozen times.

        There is a “page” under my header that says abbreviations…there is a list there of all the acronyms that I tend to use here. 🙂

        furthering the education of the masses-one slut at a time (giggling)
        nilla

  13. sirqsmlb says:

    Two roads diverged and I,
    I took the one less traveled by
    And that had made all the difference.

    Ok. I’m pissed. Whose pickin on our nilla??
    You Rock sister. Don’t let anybody tell you ANY different!!!

    I’ve been gone so I missed commenting in a timely manor. I’d sorry.

    So…recap…
    Divergent…
    Pissed…
    You ROCK!

    Hugs!!!!!
    Fiona

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s