Comments, and Guilt

Let me get to the 2nd part of the title first. I woke up early, got started on my chores. I have a ton of things to do, after all. As a mom to 4, a homeschooler, and holder of multiple jobs, every moment is filled.

But I turned on the news while I ate.

An 8-year old lost his life minutes after hugging his dad as he crossed the finish line at the Marathon; he went back to the viewing area and the bomb exploded. His sister is gravely wounded, as is his mom.  I have an 8-year old, so this hit me right in the heart. Stole my breath, drew me to tears. And I…I was smacked upside the head with guilt. There I was, bossing my kids into their chores, and this family had been literally ripped apart.

And yet.

And yet.

Life must move forward. I can experience this grief, this loss, as a fellow human, cry for that family and the others who have been affected by this devastation. But –I need to push past my guilt at rushing to get my tasks done, right? I need to honor life by living mine.

Which includes chores.

It will also include praising my kids for their working so well together to accomplish a major task, hugging them, and sending prayers to the goddess that she hold them safely in her care.

But there is yet more guilt (is this where I should insert that infamous infomercial chant–“But wait! There’s MORE!”) to be had here today.

And frankly dear friends and pervie readers, it’s about you all.  I’m pretty behind on comments you have all left. Thank you, every single one of you, for the thoughts you’ve left on my last three posts…I’m glad you enjoyed “The Question” and “The Stranger”, and yesterday’s “The Good Outnumber You”….it touches me deeply when you take the time to write and tell me that my words made you feel.

That is the point of writing, after all, to evoke a response in the reader…and if you felt something -lust, joy, nervous- then I did my task well.

But I’m … *sigh*…I’m not going to write back to each of you this time. I’m feeling guilty about that, too. But it is one of the few things I can let go of today. So please accept this as my thanks for taking time to comment and make me smile.

Life does indeed move on-it must as it has through time-and death, however horrific, is part of that wheel. As one responder said to my earlier post, to some, this type of carnage is the ultimate goal. I don’t understand a philosophy that engenders hate to that level, but there is some truth to that. Yet I still believe that their wiring is faulty, that our ultimate purpose here is to learn to love. That is the essential purpose of the universe. You can pish-tosh me all you want on that, but really, in all religions in the world, is not love (of some sort) the key ingredient? All the rest is just window dressing.

Today I’m working towards releasing my guilt out to the stars, working on the things I need to do. Not retreating into a shell and hiding from the world, but going out today and consciously being kind to people. It’s something I’ve been working on a while now, it’s nilla’s “nice” project. Say thank you. Pat someone on the back. Be patient with those learning a new skill (I will never forget my fledgling attempts to conquer the computer at work…and how kind my customers were to me learning this huge new thing), and forgiving of their mistakes.

Yeah, I’m not perfect at it yet. I think that’s the point, don’t you? You keep playing the “game” until you don’t have any days left…and you leave the world just a bit better than you came into it.

*nilla bends over (stop right there you pervies!)…and picks up her soapbox and puts it away*

(I know what you all were thinking…after all, I likely put those ideas in your head in the first place. 🙂  )

Another day with no perv. But worry not…I’m even now working on a new little tail.

Er…tale.

Now, go on out and spread a smile to the world.

 

About vanillamom

For over 8 years--(EIGHT?!) nilla and M have been a D/s couple. I'm the "small s" side of that designation, as he often reminds me. I'm silly and prone to giggling at inopportune times. He's a wicked Sadist, who feeds me my drug of choice--pain. My brain is always spinning dirty and dark little fantasies, which I sometimes share with the world. Welcome to the nilla-verse. It's wet and slippery here...with a dragon or two lurking.
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9 Responses to Comments, and Guilt

  1. SouthernSir says:

    nilla once again an excellent post. Yes there always is a bit of guilt when something like this occurs and you realize how close to home it has hit. I had a very deep conversation this morning at 5:30 a.m. to be exact about much of this and what happened. One thing that was brought up in the conversation is how the (possible) result of this was to break people, like you pointed out yesterday people ran back to help. It shows that true humanity can’t be broken and if anything it brings out the best in people and unites them. That they will not stand for things like this. To some it may seem hard or even cold but by moving on and living life it shows these people that humanity can’t be broken that the true human spirit is indomitable. I am not saying to forget what happened, don’t forget, mourn for the senseless loss, but live life and let the true strength of humanity shine bright.

  2. April says:

    Life must continue, if we stop, if we hide, if we do n

    • April says:

      Sorry, I hit the wrong button.

      If we don’t continue to live our lives then they win.
      Don’t worry about replying to comments, when things calm down for you, I imagine we will all still be here, waiting to see what new things are going on in Nilla’s world (and mind).
      As for guilt, let your goddess clear your mind and heart, let her fill you with love and thankfulness for your loved ones lives and safety. May she bless the rest of your week.
      April

  3. greengirl says:

    nilla,
    this isn’t entirely on point – but – when i was home with my first baby – husband travelling – i had a pretty good case of post-partum depression. We had just moved to a new city – i knew no one. A woman from the neighborhood stopped to say hi, introduce herself, etc. She was friendly, held the baby, talked, and did the wise, slightly older woman thing of letting me know people were around, it’s hard at first, it doesn’t have to be perfect, babies cry just cuz, and so do moms, and it’s all ok. I told her a few years later what a huge relief, godsend, gift she had been to me that day.

    You do that too. You pop in – into comments on our blogs, or with your own words here – and quietly, unassumingly, make a difference.

    (Just thought you should know how i feel about you – no judgement about unanswered comments – this what i feel.)

  4. I’d comment, but I the last thing I ever want is to increase someone’s load of guilt. 🙂
    (although judicial application of guilt is a very effective parenting tool)
    Seriously, what g.g. said….

  5. Wordwytch says:

    I love you Heart Sister. You write what is in your head and heart. I love that. Do what you need to do. Hug who you need to hug and next time life hands you a curve, bend into it and see how fast you sling shot back.

    Hugs! Kisses!

  6. sirqsmlb says:

    OH HELLS NO, I want my replies. Oops, I was supposed to be serious and not a smart sub. Um, sorry!

    Of course nilla…we ALL understand. I adore your response. Love. If we all respond with friendliness, unabashed kindness, love…what a difference that would make! Thank you for your post and PLEASE…no guilt. NO GUILT!!! NNNOOO GGGUUUIIILLLTTT!

    hugs,
    fiona

    Oops, Hugs and SMILES and kindness and love!!

  7. dryfly2005 says:

    We owe you far more than what few comments that go not replied to once in a while. We will be here when you have enough time to relax and take a deep breath. Tip

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