Flitting around the Interwebz

It’s become a new thing of the ‘more relaxed nilla’ to spend time each week flitting around the internet and browsing other blogs, articles of interest, that sort of thing. I don’t always leave a comment, but the truth of the matter is that everything I read gets dumped into the giant stew-pot of my brain and may emerge in some form or other, as this is the way that stories get birthed in my head.

Yesterday (which was Thursday as I sit and write this on Friday morning) I spent an enjoyable hour or so watching snippets of porn. Oh, hell yes, some of it was bad, and it didn’t hit the exact thing I was looking for, but it was still…you know…hawt. There are some really, really big cocks out there…(they’re like weapons, I swear!)…and it worked well for the story I crafted later (which is on Dark Fantasies now).

Giving myself permission (why are we so hard on ourselves, anyway?) to cruise and flit through all sorts of things has done wonders for my head. With all the stuff going on in Boston this week, and the unfolding, fluid situation happening now, I need the escape. I shared a great cartoon on Facebook midweek:

fearSo right now, it’s blogs and the Weather Channel for my own sanity.

A week from today Master and I are supposed to hook up, to use the vernacular of the day. (5 points if you know what movie that’s from!) And as I’m cruising the internet I read jz’s post here (this is twice this week you’ve inspired my writing, jz!), which was echoed in similar vein in another blogpost by faerie here. To summarize (though I do encourage you to go visit the individual posts, they’re really well done!), they are about TTWD.

Like…. why?

What the fuck are we thinking when we (that would be the small “s”, whichever sexual orientation you claim) go to be with our Capital Letter (be it S, or M, or T, or D).

We not only let them beat us, we fucking encourage it!

Is this demented?

Well, fuck ya.

Of course it is. 🙂

It is also the very fundamental part of this thing we do, yes? We don’t merely want them to beat us. We don’t merely hope that they’ll beat us. We don’t only want them to want to beat us.

We fucking crave it.

As vital to so many of us subs (though there are those of you out there that are NOT pain sluts, who will NOT relate to this at all) as air. Okay, maybe not air. Water, then. We can live without ever drinking a glass of water…we get it via other means after all…but it’s not the same is it? (yeah yeah, I’m stretching that metaphor a bit…bear with me though…)

We who are pain sluts crave, deep in our bones, the feeling of hands on our bottoms, smacking hard. We crave the intense fiery burn of a whip or a cane or a paddle on our flesh.

Or goddess forgive me, even that fucking pink brush.

I hate it. Standing on the wall, laying on the bed, dreading the moment He asks me “Oh nillaaaa….where is MY hairbrush? Hmmmm?” and knowing that I must tell Him.

Dreading the first whack of it on my flesh. Where will it be? My ass? My hip? My thigh? My breast?

Yet deeeep inside me,  in that scary, deeply dark place in my spirit? There lives that craven desire for that slam of pain;  it co-exists at the very same time and place where there is that dread. It’s weird, I know, yet I need the gift of His pain, likely even more than He needs to give it. For there are many times, after a playday, when I wish He’d pushed further, hit harder, marked me deeper.


When I wish, actively, that He’d been even more “brutal” to me.

He, however, knows my limits. (and I’ll go out on a limb here and say that He knows my limits WAY better than I do!) Knows what my vanilla responsibilities are, and knows that I need to not be totally brutalized to be able to function once I leave Him to rejoin Vanilla life. He knows I’m a strong, capable woman, but that I’m also not a spry young chicka anymore. He takes all this into account when He plays with me. When He hits me. When He fucks me brainless.

Nonetheless, bearing all that in mind, I’ll spend next Saturday night nearly sleepless. I’ll toss and turn, pondering the outfit choice. Is that really what I want to wear? or should I change it? (sometimes I’ll leap out of bed at 2 a.m. to do just that!) And once I’m done with all the fiddling, the packing of my stuff, the wriggling around because I’ve been fucking O-less for days ….it happens.

My body quiets. I still can’t fall asleep. I will remember His voice whispering sweet and dark nasties into my ear. (who doesn’t get turned on with dirty talk, right? 🙂  Trust me, I am not immune!) I remember His hand striking me, then touching my cunt to find me soaked, remember too, His voice as He tells me how wet I am. What a slut I am. And that I’m His to do with as He pleases. For a few minutes I’ll smile at the memories…

And then…hanging onto the edge of sleep, the nerves kick in again. And I think to myself….yes, still, after over 3 years together….why am I doing this?

Am I fucking nuts?

Who does this shit?

What kind of woman lays awake anticipating a beating?  What woman lays awake, barely able to wait to see the face of the Man who will beat and fuck until she is practically raw?

What the fuck is wrong with this woman?

Yes, I will lay there in my bed and wonder. And somehow, just before I fall over the edge and into sleep at last, I’ll smile.

For there’s really nothing “wrong” with me…I’m just on a journey, and this is part of who I am, what I am, what I need. I’m a slut. A pain whore. I’ll do whatever He wants me to do…for all He needs to do to “make me” –is say “do it”…and I will. Part of that is submission. Part of that is love. All of it encompasses trust. They have mixed and mingled and morphed together these last 3+ years until I’m not clear where my submission starts and where the love begins…

And really?

I’m more than okay with that. I’m past needing to know that answer. I’m accepting. Of Him. Of His needs. Of His desires. And — too, of mine.

We spoke on the phone the other day–He bested me at something, and I “faux pouted”…”You win again, Master.”

“nilla,” He says, His voice firm, amused, and …just so Dommy…”I always win.”

And that is something that I’m totally and completely happy with.

I have an answer now, for this question, in the rational light of day. Remember the question: Who does this shit?


Well, hell.

I do.

29 thoughts on “Flitting around the Interwebz

  1. Well, hell! How did you find yourself in the mess of my mind this weekend?
    I’m beyond ( mostly) needing those answers. We just “are”.. and darned happily too.
    Thanks for saying how I’m feeling at the moment. Nice to know I’ve got company!

    • You are NOT alone (which means I’m not, either) and you’ll see from other responses that there are more like us.

      We are craven, wanton, sexual beings. Submissives, in all the different flavors that comes in…

      and really I’m happy being who and what I am. Taken a while to get here, and the doubts will flutter through now and again, but overall, I’m happy with being nilla. 🙂

  2. you’re very sweet, thank you.
    I’m not sure if I wonder at myself as much as I laugh at myself but I am good with it, either way.
    It’s not worth spending too much time fretting over your nature because that changes nothing. Just roll with it, grow with it, customize it, and adjust as needed.
    And smile a lot. 🙂

    • well, you have to be able to laugh at yourself, to be sure. (the rest of the world takes things so seriously, after all)

      Right…we need first and foremost, to accept ourselves (oh, if only I could have learnt that in my 20’s…)

      🙂 and smiling is the perfect way to make people wonder, isn’t it?


  3. I do like surfing the cyber waves myself, never know what you will run across that makes you go Hmmm or even gives you a god chuckle….now good porn..well that’s hard to come by. Hopefully if you find something worthy you’ll share with the rest of us. 😉

  4. I’ve said it before, Sir B is a lucky man to have you in his life. Your mind must be like a small nuclear power plant in all of the thinking that goes through it in the course of a week. Tip

    • 🙂
      Why thanks, Tip…a lovely compliment to be sure. I’m almost always on, excpet for a week a go whe I was a wee bit “down”.

      I think I’m getting my groove back. Hoping for a powerfully rough and tumble (accent on the TUMBLE , as in old romance novel lingo for “fucked” LOL) sex date next Sunday coz we’ll likely miss the next two months other than short face-time visits.


  5. Lovely post. I agree about turning off the news and doing something else. It really helps.

    And then there is your question which you answered so beautifully. 🙂
    “Who does this shit?”
    I have an answer too. While not the pain slut that you are, I too do this shit. As Wolf and I live together, there are days that go past without a hint of D/s. And then there are the snippets or long moments that revive me just as a taste of chocolate cascades pleasure through a person. Then there are the moments where I ask… yes ask… to not be in charge, to submit, and those times are grand. Wolf does know my limits and he takes me right to the edge.


    Even if it is Armageddon or the FSCT.

    We all need our light side and our dark side. It’s balance. TTWD provides the balance for our vanilla side of life.


    • yes. We have moments that are not D/s. Though…He is always in control, and always in charge…we have many conversations that are just life stuff.

      It’s the way the wheel turns, yanno? ONe can’t be “on” all the time…its dark and light, day and night, vanilla and D/s…all part of the turns.


    • 🙂

      We will all be happily, crazily, hornily black n blue together.

      It’s nice sometimes to hear one is not “alone” on the ride, that there are others going through the same thoughts, the same worries, the same joys as we are.

      I really do find comfort in that.


  6. “We fucking crave it.”
    Oh yes.
    There’s nothing wrong with you, and nothing wrong with me either. I do this shit too. I don’t know why I like it, but I do. 🙂

    Great blog!

    • Thanks ancilla!

      YES! “I don’t know why I like it, but I do”…yes yes yes.

      Maybe our wiring is off (or maybe it’s on and supposed to be off?)


      Don’t really care anymore, except, you know, for those last minute nerves. 🙂


  7. I am still new. Husband paddled me, with a nice paddle he made in his wood shop. I didn’t expect the reaction I had. Now this is as far as we have gotten. The foundation is there, D/s, I am obviously the ‘s’.
    I fucking loved it. And that freaked me out. Because it hurt.
    But I’ve been reading, here and as many others from Nilla’s blog roll as I can. I think I am closer to, not understanding it, but definitely accepting it as part of me.
    Thank you all for your comments and stories that you post here in the comments. I really enjoy reading the different ideas, ideals and views.

    • oh, a wooden paddle… yeowch!

      so…if you care to, april, can you elaborate on “I didn’t expect the reaction I had”…?

      Were you turned on, despite (or because of ) the pain? Was it his power that got you, or the combo of the pain and the dominance, assuming he used any (holding you down, etc)…

      I’m curious, that’s all–feel free to ignore me! But sometimes it helps sort things out to share (and you can do so privately via email…)

      loving pain, getting turned on…the *idea* of that freaked me out.

      The first time I met Master was the first time I’d been fucked in years. The first time I’d been spanked, ever. Bitten, and pinched and all that…all new. That was 3.5 years ago now, and we’ve come a long way. The pain is ramped up a bit, He’s way more…controlling…now.

      And I too, fucking LOVE it. Every blow…by *damn* it fucking hurts….but it makes me so wet…and I’ve cum several times just from Him beating me. 🙂

      Learning to accept that is an ongoing process, I think , especially intodays “uber correct” world. We just have to be okay with living outside the norm….because I truly believe that many do.



      • Nilla, I understand curiosity. I am always curious about everything.
        And no I don’t have a problem sharing more. In fact I think that if I am going to have a blog ( which is my goal) I had better be comfortable with being on a public forum. I will write my reaction, expand on it, and try my hand at a little bit of erotica.

      • I can’t wait, April. I’m glad you’re feeling more comfortable with your curiosity. I hope to write back to YOUR email soon (maybe even tomorrow…today just sort of slipped away on me!). As to writing in public forum? I try to pretend I’m writing just for me. I USED to, but it’s so easy to get caught up in “what will THEY like”…

        funny thing is, when I write somethign that I think is GREAT, the best of my best? it gets meh comments. When I write something that I think is boring (like, you know, about me?) people actually LIKE it. Go figure. 🙂

        whatever you do, enjoy it. just another stop on the subway track of your life, right? Each station a bit different than the last.


  8. Me, too, my friend. And these blogs are part of what helps ME not ask that question anymore. Part of what helps me understand that there are other awesome small “s” folks out there who make the same irrational choice and are THRILLED with the outcome !!


    • Hi fiona!

      yes…exactly…”the same irrational choice”…we are truly not alone…I will attempt to remember that on Saturday night as I toss and turn in my bed in anticipation and dread. 🙂

      PS you all know it’s not really “dread”…but nerves, right? nilla is not afraid of Master–just in case you wondered. He makes me verrah nervous, to be sure, but scared of Him? Never.

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