Tuesday Rambles

First, thanks for all the kind comments on yesterday’s story–you all know it was a story, right?

Okay, I’ll confess that parts of it were taken from real life. I really do have a very ugly scar on my belly, a result of an operation that gave me my life back. (metaphorically speaking) I really am self-conscious about it. He really did tell me I’m beautiful, and *made* me believe it, for the first time, ever in my life.

He gave me such confidence in myself. Now, not all of it came directly from him. Much of that is stuff that I worked through as a result of being with him, and discovering that there is a name for all the weird things I was fantasizing about. And that I’m not evil or gross or a bad person for having these types of fantasies, nor am I alone in them, either.

So the story was shaped from that life experience. Because, truthfully, if so many of you understand my kinks and I write about things that speak to your kinks, then there would be lots who would relate to this story, too. It was less about kink and more about healing and self-image. Kink, in many ways, doesn’t define who I am…not wholly, anyway. But by accepting that I *am* kinky, that I *am* normal (wait, is deviant normal? or am I a normal deviant. hmmm…no let’s table that for now, shall we?)….kink helped me become a better me.

I was thinking about just that as I was doing my job tonight (Monday). It’s mundane and I was zenning out on it, and I thought…gosh, I’m happy.

I’m happy with my life.

I’m happy with who I am.

I have a good life. There are parts that aren’t all that great, and other parts that are good, and still more that are fabulous…just like most of us, I suspect.

I have just about everything I need in my life. Okay, I need more kink…but who doesn’t right? And I’m not saying what I’d *like*…we all have desires, after all. What I’m saying is that I’m at that perfect place in my life where good and bad are in balance, I’m in harmony with myself, body, mind, spirit, and it’s good.

There is no “perfect life”.

We could all use more money. Well, maybe not the Gates. Or Mz. Winfrey. Or the Bushes. But you know I mean us guys, right? Β Us day-to-day people.

But money is just trade value. There are other ways to measure success. For me? That is my happiness quotient. And right now? It’s really up there.

Maybe it’s because I’m going to see Master this weekend. Maybe it’s because the heat wave has broken. Maybe it’s because my garden is taking shape. Maybe maybe maybe….but you see? It doesn’t matter.

It doesn’t matter what she thinks, or he says, or what I have or don’t have…all of that is just extraneous.

It comes from within my own head. I seek always to improve myself.

I am perfect as I am….right now.

And I’ll continue to grow, as a woman, a mom, a submissive, as a writer. And tomorrow I’ll be perfect too, even though it will be a different day, with different stressors and challenges.

Each day that I can get up and face the goals and obligations that await me, well, isn’t that a good day? I’ve stopped grousing about work, because…all told? I’m glad to have the jobs I have. I’m glad for the people I work with, and that I’m very accomplished at what I do.

Does this make me sound like a braggy bitch? Maybe. But yanno what? I’ve paid my dues. I’ve sweat, and cussed, and moaned and cried, and worked and failed…

and I’ll do those things again, likely, in some form or other.

But dang it!

I worked HARD to get here. I did it on my own merits. No one handed me anything and said here ya go nilla, have fun. So if I stop and have a moment of reflection, and realize that I’m happy and pleased with how things are going?

It’s allowed.


So let me put my soap box up for now, and put my tired old happy ass to bed. Enjoy YOUR day, and I hope you recognize that YOU are perfect as YOU are, today. Β And you’ll be so tomorrow, too, though not the same, either. We grow and morph and step forward and fall back…all while being just the perfect us we can be at that moment in time.

Or in the immortal words of Bobby Ferrin…don’tΒ worry…beΒ happy!

Worry not my friends, my philosophizing is done for the day. Tomorrow we return to our regularly scheduled kink. πŸ™‚ Promise!


About vanillamom

For over 8 years--(EIGHT?!) nilla and M have been a D/s couple. I'm the "small s" side of that designation, as he often reminds me. I'm silly and prone to giggling at inopportune times. He's a wicked Sadist, who feeds me my drug of choice--pain. My brain is always spinning dirty and dark little fantasies, which I sometimes share with the world. Welcome to the nilla-verse. It's wet and slippery here...with a dragon or two lurking.
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21 Responses to Tuesday Rambles

  1. Kinbaku Gardener says:

    WOO HOO! πŸ™‚

  2. Wordwytch says:

    I love your rambles. And as usual, you are Spot On. πŸ™‚

    Wolf and I had the same sort of talk. For me it is the organic tattoos known as stretch marks.

    • vanillamom says:

      yup, got some of those too. Its so hard to find that place where we are okay with ourselves. *shrugs* Maybe it’s a “being in our 50’s” thing? We know we’re blessed with every day we have left, and there will be wrinkles and sagging and drooping…even with our still voracious sex drives….

      whatever it is, I’m glad to be in this place. πŸ™‚


      • Wordwytch says:

        Had the personal body issues long before my 50’s. However, Wolf has helped a lot.

        Oh, and I still wear him out. πŸ™‚ Voracious sex drives:)

        And yes, I like who I am. What I am and Where I am.

  3. sofia says:

    i love your philosophizing, ‘Nilla, and i’m glad you’re happy with you life!!


  4. abby says:

    Great ramblings, lots of truth there..for all of us. I do feel I am the best version of ‘me’ that I have ever been….not every day, but most days.
    hugs abby

    • vanillamom says:

      I don’t think anyone feels it everyday, or every moment of every day…but we only need to worry about just now.

      Today, my dau’s voice was like fingernails on a chalk board, and she followed me round the house talking incessantly. It was NOT pleasant…but…I got through it without yelling at her.

      She was just being six, yanno?

      I did pretty good not tying her little tongue in a knot, and she did the best she could to be quieter…

      And I drove off happily to work late this afternoon. Not perfect, but not too bad, either.

      Sometimes that’s the best we’ve got…”not too bad”…and that’s being the best we can be for then.

      (it’s all about self acceptance here!)

      Thanks abby, for the kind words…and we’ll keep on keepin’ on…


  5. His Girl says:

    Thank you for your rambles Nilla…. i found inspiration in your words … i have always strived to be “perfect” and that has held me back from a lot in my life, but with my Master he shows me how the only person who defines me is HIM, he makes me perfect and i guess if he thinks i am, then i must be.

    • vanillamom says:

      Hi HisGirl,

      Thanks for taking time to comment today…always appreciated. I’m glad I opened a door and let you peek inside…we are, all of us, insecure to some extent….but this pervasive feeling I keep reading/hearing about, about not being “good enough” –whether it’s looks or money or whathaveyou….it disturbs me. It feels like we’re breeding a culture of neurotics!!

      Enjoy every moment you draw breath…


  6. greengirl says:

    Funny that we feel we have to defend being happy with what we’ve done. I get that too though – i have a really hard time believing he could like my body, but i can’t let myself be pleased with the results of work i’ve done. Thanks for the reminder about just how bassackwards that is.

    • vanillamom says:

      πŸ™‚ one of my all time favorite words, backasswards!!

      we do feel defensive about happy, don’t we? The world is in terrible turmoil…HOW can YOU be HAPPY???

      Well, why the fuck not? I’m part of the world. And if my part is good, maybe…maybe letting you know these things will make you feel better, and make YOUR corner of the world a wee bit better, until it swells outward, filling the world with big rivers of happy.


      (and I’m not even an optimist)


  7. I always feel there is some way I can improve, that I have to do better, be better, etc. Too often I forget to stop and just enjoy what I am and what I have. ~sigh~
    This is a great reminder to slow down and embrace all the good things in my life.

    • vanillamom says:

      slow down, Rose.

      embrace the good things in your life.

      Let go some of the worries, and just …breathe in the beauty of *now*…



      ps…we ALL do the “i need to be” thing…even me sometimes..no philosophy is all the time and perfect…unless you’re a Monk who’s been practicing for years (and even then, maybe…)

      Over and above everything, we’re human, and we’re in this life together. I like you for just the imperfectly perfect person you are.


  8. Kayla Lords says:

    I didn’t know how much I needed to read these words until you posted them. Thank you.

    • vanillamom says:

      πŸ™‚ Thank you Kayla. I’m definitely “introspecting” this week…glad my thoughts resonated for you.


  9. sirqsmlb says:

    LIFE IS GOOD, my friend. I am so gratified to read such happy words from you. Sometimes our Doms can do such amazing things for us…helping us with out self esteem and self image … not to mention those mind frying orgasms πŸ™‚

    SO do you have your clothes picked out for your weekend??


    • vanillamom says:


      you know I was thinking about the outfits…I need to haul them out and try them on. Being ill for that long meant a huge weight loss, and I’ve been working hard at keeping it off. (plus, still need to do BRAT diet, coz I tried pizza at the teens birthday…and my body was MOST put out with me for the attempt)…I’d been planning on buying a new outfit (wink)…but then I got sick and lost that week….sigh…New outfit next time, now I need to find time to dig through and see what I think He’d like best. πŸ™‚

      Thanks for the compliment…I am in a good place in my head and heart. None of this means, btw, that I’m never unhappy, because i get sad/mad/scared just like everyone else. But I have a ton of self acceptence these days that I think come directly from my D/s life.

      Mind frying orgasms. Yeah. Gonna get me some of that stuff… πŸ™‚


  10. dryfly2005 says:

    Another beautiful day in nillaverse. Thanks Tip

    • vanillamom says:

      thanks Tip…it has been a great day (gorgeous day!) in nillaville… πŸ™‚

      I’m content. And happy. And all this, BEFORE my o. πŸ™‚


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