I was sad.
Don’t know why, really.
Didn’t mask it, didn’t bury it under chocolate, or snapping at my kids, just accepted it, felt it, let it run through me.
Those are dangerous times for me.
I’m prone to despair. I’m prone to feeling so blue that I want to just go to bed and hide. I don’t. But sometimes I want to.
I have, in the past, hidden this from Master. Suppressing it to be His good little happy slut. And suppression leads to being snarky, and occasionally snapping and having a little emo breakdown…
I sent Him a text this time.
He didn’t respond; He waits, you see, to see what will come to His in-box next.
“I’m not sure why. Nothing is wrong. But things aren’t …I dunno.”
“I’m overtired. Not sleeping well at all.”
“I miss You. My kids are driving me crazy. It snowed again.”
“I need spring, Master. And for it to be warm. And…You. I need YOU, Master.”
“I’ll be back in a while. I’m off to take my supplement so I don’t take anyone’s head off. I’m not mad. Just…sad.”
There is always something that comes next. (Never say in one text what can be said with 20, amiwrite? (see what i did there?)) I took a vitamin D, and an herbal supplement that helps when my mood falls that sharply.
“I feel…better. Not happy. But smoother. I think I’m over the worst of it now.”
“what made you sad, little girl?”
“I don’t know, Master. Nothing specific. Just…sad.”
“there is a cure for that you know. Butt plugs.”
“I’m feeling…FINE now Master.”
“the bigger the butt plug, the happier you’ll get…”
“Remember Master? I told You I’m all better now.”
“Oh. okay. Well, if you’re sure, slut, I’ll go put Big Red away.”
He sure knows how to inspire a slut. 🙂 Funny thing is? After He said all that, I felt even happier. Wrapped in the loving arms (so to speak) of my sadistic Dom…who wouldn’t feel better after that?
Sometimes it’s these short, simple exchanges that reinvigorate the Dom/sub relationship. It doesn’t exactly “lag”…but sometimes I feel less of the ownership tug than other times.
That’s all my fault, by the way.
HE is the not the one riding the emotional roller coaster here, that’s all on me. My vanilla life has been very dominant for the last several weeks, and that leads me to feeling, if not less submissive, then at the very least, less involved in being submissive. It gets pushed away, into the back of my psyche, like an old dildo in the toybox…you know you like it, and it gets you off, but you don’t have the time to play with it just now. You know you’ll go back to it, you always do because it’s just that good….but for now, you just don’t have any minutes left over in your day.
(I hope that makes sense out loud the way it did in my head.)
Master is always there. There are always things I need to do per His request. Never anything strenuous or that would impact my vanilla life. Like…always sending a good morning text. Small task, big benefit. These little tasks are to remind me that I’m His submissive slut. But we’re both aware that my vanilla life is dauntingly full of children and all the responsibilities endemic in that most important task. He would NEVER allow me to neglect them.
But that brief texting yesterday not only did wonders for my sad mood, but it reaffirmed in my head that the submission is still there, still very much alive. More like a crocus waiting under the snow to blossom, as I will when the full heat of Him is focused on me. I’m not “not submissive”…I’m just a really over-scheduled Mom right now, who is also a submissive slut. I’m all His, always.
But next Sunday?
I’ll be all His, under His hands.
I think we both need it badly.