Broken and Hurting

Hi ~ my name is nilla and I appear to have broken myself.


Somehow I’ve not done all the “right” things and hurt my back badly. So badly that it affects my walking, my ability to move about freely. It’s all muscle–or rather, one big painful pinched nerve. So I’m on pain meds to deal with it.

But it means that we can’t have our playdate.

You know, the one that I’ve been quietly anticipating for the last two months? I’m in too much pain to move, to twitch about the way He enjoys. I’m in too much pain for Him to have fun hurting me. And since I have a vanilla life where I must have mobility…we’ve had to cancel our time together. I told Him that I could show up in my oh-so-sexy heat wrap thing. Yeah. No. The mental image of that did make me giggle though.

So instead of a lovely fucking time (pun intended),  we’ll have coffee and tea and share a decadent dessert together tomorrow, in lieu of my getting my ass fucked, and beaten.

“You’re being sensible, nilla,” He says, when I express my deep disappointment to Him today. “I can’t do anything to you, so it makes sense to wait until you’re better before I beat the shit out of you.”

Only in D/s land would that make so much sense, yanno?


But it does, right?

This isn’t erotic pain. This isn’t something that makes my pussy hot and wet and excited. This is “how the fuck will I get upstairs to my bedroom” and “OMG I sat down for too long and can’t get out of my chair”. This is having to allow extra time to do anything…Including peeing~no last minute run to the bathroom because I had one more thing to do first, oh hell no!

It sucks. But I’m being a big girl about it all.

I just wish there was medicine to take for disappointment.

About vanillamom

For over 8 years--(EIGHT?!) nilla and M have been a D/s couple. I'm the "small s" side of that designation, as he often reminds me. I'm silly and prone to giggling at inopportune times. He's a wicked Sadist, who feeds me my drug of choice--pain. My brain is always spinning dirty and dark little fantasies, which I sometimes share with the world. Welcome to the nilla-verse. It's wet and slippery here...with a dragon or two lurking.
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22 Responses to Broken and Hurting

  1. abby says:

    Oh…i am so very sorry my friend. What a huge disappointment. At least you get some time together…..but i know it is not close to what you want and need. Take care of that back….we want to hear about You getting your a** beat and,,,other things:)
    hugs abby

    • vanillamom says:

      We had a lovely tea time. I have been ordered to write it up. It was short, but sweet. And I so very very very much need a lovely hard beating.


  2. ytysreloaded says:

    Please see if you have a CranioSacral therapist in your area. Please please. Then go..

    • vanillamom says:

      :D…I’m not sure if I do or not. I know that I overstrained my sciatic nerve (I have trouble with it from time to time)…and overworking it thinking that yoga/stretching/working it out would help. (It definitely didn’t)…and 6 hours of off and on napping this weekend definitely did help me a lot. For the first time I’ll be going to bed without needing pain meds. I’m healing!


      • ytysreloaded says:

        Im so glad you’re healing! I only mention CranioSacral because it’s changed my life totally. Sending you more and more loving and healing.

  3. greengirliam says:

    I’m so, so sorry. That disappointment and frustration are the worst. Sending thoughts of fast healing.

    • vanillamom says:

      Thanks greengirl…it is SO disappointing. And yet I knew I wasn’t up to it…it is SO hard being a grown up sometimes.


  4. Please do take care of your back, you don’t want to end up like me.
    Take care and feel better soon.

    • vanillamom says:

      I hope YOUR back is better…and this getting older stuff is NOT for wimps. It isn’t easy, and I’m not 30 anymore. Thankfully my Master is very good to me and ready to order me to take better care of myself if I don’t change my “overdoing” ways…


  5. Nilla, you won’t remember this but I hurt my back about 5 years ago (doing nothing) and it hurt for about 2 months until I went to a physiotherapist. It went from fine to debilitating and blew me away. ,

    I went to the doctor first, and then for X-rays and then the physio. It still scares me that it might happen again.

    Get well soon.


    • vanillamom says:

      yes…just like that…a small tweak to not being able to raise my left leg off the floor. Or tie my shoes. Very frustrating. Thankfully, the time NOT meeting with M on Sunday was spent sleeping. A lot of sleeping all afternoon, and it seems to have turned the tide. I’m still achey, but tonight I could tie my sneakers and that is a milestone. It is a huge reminder that 55 is NOT the new 30. I’ll never have that body back again.


  6. Kayla Lords says:

    ((((HUGS)))) I’m sorry for your back and your missed play time! (((HUGS)))

    • vanillamom says:

      Thanks Kayla…it totally sucks that on a time when I had a LOT of free time my body said…nuh uh. He was SO good to me about it too…


  7. michelle says:

    Oh, poor ‘nilla! The disappointment makes it worse somehow. Hopefully you’ll be getting bruised in the right ways soon.

    • vanillamom says:

      yeah. I have a story to tell about our little tea time…but it wasn’t the same as …well…you know. Hopefully September will work for us. It just feels like forever away.


  8. faithfulreader2 says:

    Feel better sweetie! I had back spasms a few weeks back and willed myself to do Yoga. Amazing enough it worked- Not saying to go do that- but I know for me the stretching/poses and breathing some how allowed me to fix myself. In any event- rest and hope you get a new play time soon!!


    • vanillamom says:

      I tried. I did. I think that’s how I compounded my issue. I certainly tweaked my sciatic nerve…after an afternoon sleeping, waking, sleeping more–Monday finds me feeling much better. Still on pain meds but hell! I tied my sneaks today!


  9. Ashly says:

    What you need Nilly is a Dorn/Breuß massage which is specialized for the back. if you cant find one where you live ,get your arse over here and my wife will sort you out. Get well soon!!

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