needy

i don’t care about grammar today, so *shrugs* whatevah.

i’m in a wee bit of a mood. not …terribly funky but not far from it. slept like crap last night, woke headachy and fussy today. 

no meet this weekend past…all my fault, couldn’t make the schedule loose enough to get the time free. i love my job but would have loved a free hour with Him. 

hence, 

our “le sigh” moment

i don’t mean to depress you, dear reader peep. it is what it is, and in every life there are these cycles. sometimes it works for us to have together time, and sometimes it doesn’t. right now we’re on the ‘doesn’t’ end of the spectrum and it looks like we might not have any time to see one another until September.

yeah.

fucking SEPTEMBER.

i’m away, he’s away, i’m away, he’s away…and it’s so fucked.

it’s also…real life. it happens. if we get the time we get it. if not, then we have texts. 

sometimes I wonder if i can really say that i’m a submissive pain slut.

there ain’t been a lot of either–he doesn’t do much D/s via text or phone. and it hasn’t been on the top of my plate lately either. 

there is so much vanilla obligation surrounding me just now. kiddo heading to college, other kiddo’s about to start the next grades in school…and i’m the teacher. 

and i love love love my family…

but I love love love my master too.

and my work and his work and my work and my obligations and oh my great green goddess.

I should delete this post.

but yanno what? I’m not going to, just so.

so you can see, if you’re a newbie reading, that this IS how TTWD works. there are many days and times of D/s and then there are many days and times of not. 

its a cycle and i’m not the first sub to go through it–most of us long-time bloggers have been down this road, sometimes more than once. AND–I know there will be another side, another time for us to reconnect, and for me to be beaten up and fucked and hurt and aching and loving every moment of it…and it will be good, and this will be forgotten…

until it happens again.

it isn’t all whips n chains, dear peeps.

sometimes it’s text boxes and phone calls.

sometimes it isn’t even much of that.

but the circle will draw ’round again.

i believe it.

About vanillamom

For 8 years--(EIGHT?!) nilla and M have been a D/s couple. I'm the "small s" side of that designation, as he often reminds me. I'm silly and prone to giggling at inopportune times. He's a wicked Sadist, who feeds me my drug of choice--pain. My brain is always spinning dirty and dark little fantasies, which I sometimes share with the world. Welcome to the nilla-verse. It's wet and slippery here...with a dragon or two lurking.
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17 Responses to needy

  1. The circle does in fact come back around nilla. Sometimes even being with the other half of ones D/s life has a way of poking it’s ugly head in the mix.

    • vanillamom says:

      thank you Sir…that was much appreciated. And learning to find the bits where the submission is truly blended into my day to day helps. It is there. I may not appreciate it as such since it’s because it is now a habit…but it IS there.

      Thanks for making me look a bit harder at that part!

      nilla

  2. abby says:

    Every newby should be required to read this…..Until we all get to move into some gated community somewhere…and one of us has won the lottery so money is not object….real life will interfere. HUGS…
    abby

    • vanillamom says:

      Thank you abby…and it’s true, way back when this was all new and whips and chains and blowjobs–I had a fantasy of how it would go. And it IS a fantasy. Because real life is a blending of the two halves..but your comment was very sweet, kind, and thoughtful. Thank you.

      nilla

  3. Sue says:

    This. This is why we call this a lifestyle. There is life. First. Always. Sometimes life makes room for us. Most often, we must make room for life. And when we have more than just US, that part of it all gets complicated. And… Who doesn’t have more than just “US?” I’m with abby. Every newbie ought to be required to read this one. Hugs.

    • vanillamom says:

      YES!! it *is* that, a lifestyle and not just a game. At least, not for me. Thanks for your thoughtful comment, Sue, it was very much appreciated.

      nilla

  4. needyt says:

    Thank you, keep sharing the good the bad and the ugly, we all have our Needy times!

    • vanillamom says:

      you are welcome. And it’s all part and parcel of life, isn’t it? Things are getting better. Slowly, but…it certainly helps to dump here. Thanks for the supportive comment! Very much appreciated.

      nilla

  5. Wordwytch says:

    A lovely little bit of reality. It is like this. We all have days/months when just nothing happens. Even when we live together. sigh… Lots of love and hugs.

  6. greengirliam says:

    I don’t even think in a gated community with tons of money would people be immune to life. I don’t trust the blogs/websites/stories that never show all the sides of all the cycles.

    • vanillamom says:

      Thanks greengirl…that helps. 😀 And it is real life and it is what it is…until it isn’t. (That was my daily meditation yesterday. The cosmos knows exactly what I need to hear!)

      nilla

  7. Kayla Lords says:

    ((HUGS)) It will come back around…it always does.

    And the dose of reality is good. Too many people think D/s is all hot sex and kneeling.

    • vanillamom says:

      EXACTLY!!

      It just isn’t. It’s real and if it’s good, it’s woven into the fabric of life. Sometimes it is just looking at what is part of the normal routine and realizing that BDSM is a part of that, too. (Like my daily texting…it got so routine that I forgot it was part of my submission to Him. Duh me!)

      nilla

  8. Hydra says:

    yes Thank you so much for posting this. I’m new to this world and to reading your blog and I was actually feeling in a mood yesterday also. Just blah like nothing is interesting my vanilla life is so boring I’m in need of some excitement yet the vanilla life has lots of responisbilities right now so its not possible. It is comfort to read that you go through the same ups and downs but you remain optimistic. Thank you for that and expressing yourself I look forward to reading your blog weekly.

    • vanillamom says:

      exactly! D/s is hard, man. Coz we want to ride that high, but who can, all the time? It’s not sustainable at that level. It’s just not reality to expect it can be. There will still be cars to fix, and bills to pay, and gardens to harvest, and grocery shopping to do…and it’s mundane and boring and …necessary. It is more about accepting that we’re in place A, want to be in place C, but must take care of all the D,E,F’s and G’s first. All things come to those who wait.

      I hope. 😀

      nilla

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