better but still pondering…

I’m being SO lazy with my grammar and it’s such a bad example to set for all you younger writers out there! Let’s just ignore that title and move on, shall we?

So–I had a brief conversation with M the other day, and though we didn’t specifically talk about my mood, he still managed to make me feel.

That’s an important line there.

Coz–when I am overwhelmed with “to do” stuff in my vanilla life I kind of shut down. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my kids and family, it just means that I’m emotionally drained, distant and in a little emo-proof shell. Does that make any sense? And I guess, to be totally honest about it, that withdrawal carries into my relationship with him. I still talk/text, I still listen to him, but I’m …? What?

What am I?

I’m *there*…and yet…

I feel a bit wraith-like. Insubstantial. And it may well be solely because of the overwhelming heap of things I’m juggling, which means less time for D/s, less opportunity for meeting. And the less the D/s? Well at first there is that deep hunger. A burning in the gut and pussy. A raw craving for pain.

And then (perhaps in an act of self-preservation)…it gets shunted away.  Not shut down, mind you.  I’m well aware that the need is still there.

But the driving jungle drums in my body have silenced.

I was thinking about this as I drove to work the other day. About the lack of immediacy for that need. Should I shut down my blog? Should I break up with Master?


How could I do that when he is a part of me? It’s not just sex and beatings, but there is intimacy, and love. It’s not a bond I’m willing to throw away because I don’t have time to give it everything I used to. Yet even knowing the circle comes back around, right now I’m so close to apogee that I’m afraid I’ll lose my gravitational grasp on BDSM and sling off into the vanillaverse, never to be seen again.

*deep breath*

I know, such melodrama, right?!

I laughed a bit at myself. Because being a painslut, a submissive…well, it’s not a thing I do. 

It’s not like knitting, or bike riding, or bird watching.

It’s not a fucking hobby.

(see what I did there? Yes, even in the midst of an emotional crisis (of sorts) I still have my wacky humor.)

Being a painslut, a submissive, a wanton, needy sex toy? That’s a part of who I am.

It is knit (if you will) into the very fibers of my DNA. It took me a long, long time to figure it out. But there’s the truth of it. I can turn my back on it for a while, but like the need for those extras in life (not food, nor air, as those are true biological needs)…like chocolate sauce on ice cream, like an umbrella AND a raincoat, it’s that kind of need.

Which means I can’t really lose my gravitational whirl on the circle. I’ll ride through this–this far distance from D/s time–and swing back into it and this will be but a memory of a time when I was feeling–bereft.

And to get back to my original thought…talking with M made me feel.

Because not feeling isn’t really an option for an emo slut like me. And feeling sad and silly and happy just to be connecting to him was an important step in helping me realize that if I quit Him…I’d be truly empty. And if I quit the blog? I’d be lost and lonely. With no one to turn to.

Can you imagine me surrounded by all my vanilla life with no option to turn to when those dark and dirty thoughts begin to whirl around my head?

It wouldn’t be purty, because now I know what I’d be missing.

I’d be missing all this (waves hands around to encompass blog, readers, stories, doms, subsisters). Where’s the fun in that?

Pauses. Right. NOT fun.

And not who I am.

And frankly? I’ve spent the last almost-six years (yup, almost my blog-a-versary!) becoming the person I am today…I’m just not willing to let go of that. So I’m working to find ways to honor my vanilla responsibilities without losing this side of who I am. Finding solutions to things is what I do best…and I’ll make this work (with apologies to Tim Gunn)…however I can.

Until then, know that my time of painful pondering is just about maxed out (there is only so long a slut can wallow, yanno?), and soon I’ll be back to my regular cheerful self.

Thanks to *everyone* who responded to my last needy post. I will respond to each of you..and to those who responded privately, you’re the best. Thank you.

*smiling* and feeling better every day…



7 thoughts on “better but still pondering…

  1. Day by day nilla, that’s all any of us can do. This lifestyle IS an integral part of who we are, it isn’t something done on a spur of the moment whim. Aside form the pain aspect the littlest things like making a cup of coffee for someone, getting a drink is all serving in some small way.

    • nodding…and even those required tasks…a morning text, a goodnight text, a checking in–all of that is a daily dose of submission, wrapped in “routine”…sometimes it’s good to be reminded that those things ARE submissive.


    • thanks Kayla. and suddenly I’m just better. We have zero time to meet, we’re both traveling this weekend, but somehow just being able text and talk makes it easier to bear…


  2. Lots of hugs, and I so know what you are thinking/feeling. Life here has been crazy beyond all possible thoughts, and often the only thing we have time fore before we fall into that chasm of sleep is a kiss and a cuddle. I too have thought, “What in the hell? Will I EVER have sex again?” a few times of late. Yet, I know that Wolf is just as frustrated as I am.

    I think it is something that we are ALL going through in various stages. Lots of hugs dear and whammies for better times soon.

    • yes…and I don’t feel at all jealous that you get those cuddles…because to have them, and NOT have playtime is equally as hard as my “abstenence” …it’s certainly not the funnest of experiences is it? Here’s hoping that we both “get some” soon! (or we’ll POP!)



      • Exactly. And masturbation is just so NOT on the menu. I’m working on a playdate before I do explode, or worse yet hit the WTF, and why bother state.

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