Piling On & Then Some

So…when you last tuned in, I was in a bit of a funk. Maybe more than a bit. Still, I managed to survive 4 days totally out of contact with Him, and returned from our mini vacation relaxed and renewed.

But the angst that I’d thought I’d finally shed was actually merely hiding below the surface. And it had found a new companion there: self-doubt. How the fuck does that get into my head so sneakily? Where did that come from? How was that even allowed a place in my head, even in the quiet places? I’m really a self-confident woman, very assured of my own sense of worth. I’m capable, caring, strong.

And yet, dammit, the angst and self-doubt nibbled maliciously on the edge of my confidence.

I sent him a text the other night asking if we were still D/s. That I still loved him, that wouldn’t change, and hell, I’ve been in a committed and sexless relationship for over a decade–why would that be any different with Him?

I know.


Angst city.

Did he find me unattractive? Unpleasant? Unable to make time for us?

Where do these dark thoughts come from? I swear there was nothing on the surface of our relationship, or even deep in the heart to make all these things ever see the light of day. I’d swear they just weren’t a part of our relationship.

That after almost 6 years together I’d have more confidence in him, and ultimately, in me.

*pauses, frowning, shaking my head*

Side note here for newbies:  Again, this is not a pity-party. This is just a slice of what happens in a long-term D/s relationship that is not 24/7. 

The thing is–being that open–that emotionally vulnerable–is a hell of a lot harder than just giving him my body. He has my orgasms, my tits, my ample ass. He also has my heart and to be fair? He is beyond gentle with that vulnerable organ.

So I was snarky at first, then a bit more open about what I was feeling. So doubting that anyone would want me. Middle aged, round, short. Grumpy often. Busier than a one-armed paper hanger.

And He has this…way of talking. He’s…what’s the word? Well, first, He’s direct about the things that really fret me. But the other stuff, the self-doubt that I have only alluded to to him? He’s oblique about handling it.

He first sends me a text reply to my angsty one.

without sex in life, why bother?

and how else will I get to beat you?

Seriously, that made me smile, and weep a little bit. I’m feeling *very* (understatement) emo lately, very weepy, somewhat moody. (sounds like the symptoms of SADD, doesn’t it? hmmmm)

He tells me (while talking about a young woman we know in a vanilla way)…”I told Marie she is looking really great” (after some surgery).

“I don’t tell you that nilla, because I don’t want your head to swell.”

I smile. See? Obliquely He tells me He likes me just fine. Sure, He’d love for me to lose 20 pounds. I feel the same actually..losing 20 pounds would feel terrific. But we’re two middle-aged people who aren’t body perfect. Oh ohkay…He’s actually very sexy. And I can be. You know, when I’m not all angsty and shit. 😀

And we spoke yesterday on my way home from work. And I knew that 99% of why we haven’t had a playdate…? It is *my* fault. Well, fault is a strong word–for conditions beyond my ability to control, how’s that? I work multiple jobs, have my kids full-time, and have been juggling a bunch of pissy attitudes here at home. (why do they all have to get “troll syndrome” at the same damn time? on the same damn day???why?)

Anyway…He and I talked through it. Through the issue of no playtime. Through my pissy feelings about my family. I love them to pieces but somedays…well…if you have kids, you know.

And He healed me. In little bits and pieces, with just the way He phrased things…He’ll never say “I love you” to me. It’s just His way. I get it (kinda)…but beyond and around that, He shows that He loves me, in all these oblique ways. That our D/s relationship is as important to Him as to me, and reminds me why I’m in this in the first place. (Because it feeds those dark spaces inside my spirit where the need to be Dominated exists.)

I end our conversation with “Oh Master–I so need a spanking.”

He responds.

“Nilla, you always need a spanking.” His voice drops, turns silky. “You know why? Because you’re a naughty little girl. A naughty dirty slut.”

Yeah. He definitely knows how to fix me.

*enormous smile*



About vanillamom

For over 8 years--(EIGHT?!) nilla and M have been a D/s couple. I'm the "small s" side of that designation, as he often reminds me. I'm silly and prone to giggling at inopportune times. He's a wicked Sadist, who feeds me my drug of choice--pain. My brain is always spinning dirty and dark little fantasies, which I sometimes share with the world. Welcome to the nilla-verse. It's wet and slippery here...with a dragon or two lurking.
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14 Responses to Piling On & Then Some

  1. Kayla Lords says:

    ((HUGS)) I’m feeling a bit emo too, so I want to weep for you. I’m glad he knows how to fix you.

  2. ancilla ksst says:

    Hugs! I can’t even imagine how difficult it is for you to go so long between meetings, much less playtimes. i really am a much more needy greedy type, I think. I couldn’t do it that way.

    • vanillamom says:

      I’m getting through it. It really helps to vent here, amazingly enough. Hoping to get together with him this weekend, at least grab some face time. And really, I’m the one with the totally booked schedule…hoping that will morph into more face time this fall.

      Thank you for the hugs… much appreciated.


  3. abby says:

    I get it,,,i have been there…and i get more face time than you do. Master is always steady, knowing how to pull me out…..hope you get that time soon.
    hugs abby

    • vanillamom says:

      x your fingers for this weekend. Not for playtime, but just some face time would help tons. It’s been weeks…and summer is often like this for us.

      today i am better.



  4. sofia says:

    Yep i get it. i’m glad you let him know how you were feeling and glad that he knows what to say back!

    • vanillamom says:

      it’s always so hard to bare that part of me. I want Him to see me as capable and efficient and okay. He knows I’m needy/wanton all the time…it’s part of who I am always. To strip off that layer of “I’m okay” and show ‘i’m not really *that* okay’ is so so frigging hard!!

      thanks for understanding!


  5. needyt says:

    Reblogged this on needyt's Blog and commented:
    I totally Get this! Being the insecure and sometimes irrational person I am about my own value.

  6. Barbara says:

    Nilla, I thank you for taking the time to talk to this “newbie” this week. Please know that I feel for you and send you all my best.

    • vanillamom says:

      Thanks Barbara….much appreciated. And mostly I’m okay. Just sometimes the needy cunt rises and suffuses me–and I’m left feeling bereft. Hoping we’ll have at least some face time this weekend…that always helps. 😀


  7. Wordwytch says:

    Hugs! I’ve done the long distance and the 24/7. Both have issues. Both bring up vulnerabilities and frustrations. Communication is the BEST thing for those issues, and sometimes it is harder than others.

    Wolf and I are 24/7 and light on the D/s. It’s just the way it works out. This summer has been crazy busy and too damn full of people. It wrecks havoc on our love/D/s life.

    Here’s hoping you get some good face time soon and a playdate soon too!

    • vanillamom says:

      nodding. me too! Face time on Sunday, hopefully. It’s been 3 weeks since our last face to face. Or maybe 4. It’s all blurry. Needy much? And the thing is…the more I go without, the more the vanilla rushes in (a true case of nature abhors a vacuum?)

      But the pendulum will swing the other way again. Just right now feels…overwhelming.


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