So…when you last tuned in, I was in a bit of a funk. Maybe more than a bit. Still, I managed to survive 4 days totally out of contact with Him, and returned from our mini vacation relaxed and renewed.
But the angst that I’d thought I’d finally shed was actually merely hiding below the surface. And it had found a new companion there: self-doubt. How the fuck does that get into my head so sneakily? Where did that come from? How was that even allowed a place in my head, even in the quiet places? I’m really a self-confident woman, very assured of my own sense of worth. I’m capable, caring, strong.
And yet, dammit, the angst and self-doubt nibbled maliciously on the edge of my confidence.
I sent him a text the other night asking if we were still D/s. That I still loved him, that wouldn’t change, and hell, I’ve been in a committed and sexless relationship for over a decade–why would that be any different with Him?
Did he find me unattractive? Unpleasant? Unable to make time for us?
Where do these dark thoughts come from? I swear there was nothing on the surface of our relationship, or even deep in the heart to make all these things ever see the light of day. I’d swear they just weren’t a part of our relationship.
That after almost 6 years together I’d have more confidence in him, and ultimately, in me.
*pauses, frowning, shaking my head*Side note here for newbies: Again, this is not a pity-party. This is just a slice of what happens in a long-term D/s relationship that is not 24/7.
The thing is–being that open–that emotionally vulnerable–is a hell of a lot harder than just giving him my body. He has my orgasms, my tits, my ample ass. He also has my heart and to be fair? He is beyond gentle with that vulnerable organ.
So I was snarky at first, then a bit more open about what I was feeling. So doubting that anyone would want me. Middle aged, round, short. Grumpy often. Busier than a one-armed paper hanger.
And He has this…way of talking. He’s…what’s the word? Well, first, He’s direct about the things that really fret me. But the other stuff, the self-doubt that I have only alluded to to him? He’s oblique about handling it.
He first sends me a text reply to my angsty one.
without sex in life, why bother?
and how else will I get to beat you?
Seriously, that made me smile, and weep a little bit. I’m feeling *very* (understatement) emo lately, very weepy, somewhat moody. (sounds like the symptoms of SADD, doesn’t it? hmmmm)
He tells me (while talking about a young woman we know in a vanilla way)…”I told Marie she is looking really great” (after some surgery).
“I don’t tell you that nilla, because I don’t want your head to swell.”
I smile. See? Obliquely He tells me He likes me just fine. Sure, He’d love for me to lose 20 pounds. I feel the same actually..losing 20 pounds would feel terrific. But we’re two middle-aged people who aren’t body perfect. Oh ohkay…He’s actually very sexy. And I can be. You know, when I’m not all angsty and shit. 😀
And we spoke yesterday on my way home from work. And I knew that 99% of why we haven’t had a playdate…? It is *my* fault. Well, fault is a strong word–for conditions beyond my ability to control, how’s that? I work multiple jobs, have my kids full-time, and have been juggling a bunch of pissy attitudes here at home. (why do they all have to get “troll syndrome” at the same damn time? on the same damn day???why?)
Anyway…He and I talked through it. Through the issue of no playtime. Through my pissy feelings about my family. I love them to pieces but somedays…well…if you have kids, you know.
And He healed me. In little bits and pieces, with just the way He phrased things…He’ll never say “I love you” to me. It’s just His way. I get it (kinda)…but beyond and around that, He shows that He loves me, in all these oblique ways. That our D/s relationship is as important to Him as to me, and reminds me why I’m in this in the first place. (Because it feeds those dark spaces inside my spirit where the need to be Dominated exists.)
I end our conversation with “Oh Master–I so need a spanking.”
“Nilla, you always need a spanking.” His voice drops, turns silky. “You know why? Because you’re a naughty little girl. A naughty dirty slut.”
Yeah. He definitely knows how to fix me.