Signals of His Need

So…here I am feeling overwhelmed (a bit) with the planned-for but—still…wow–changes around the vanilla nilla side of things…

and glumly talking to a “dark side friend” about the loss of D/s in my day to day…He’s busy, I’m INCREDIBLY overwhelmed…and was it even possible to call myself a slut, a whore, a needy cunt. Okay I didn’t say that to her nor Him but it’s in my head.

I feel….fake.

How can I relate to you all who are getting beaten/fucked/spanked/cornertime/buttplugged…you know, all the things that BROUGHT me to the darkside, when nonathat is happening in my life?

But the desire for it all is still there.

I confessed to Him (somewhat tearfully) in a series of texts…wait, I’ll quote myself…easier than trying to reconstruct the mood. I was telling Him of the things that this current week holds for me, feeling–overwhelmed. I know. I said that before. (and I’ll get used to it…I like routine and structure–it’s just all new, you know?)

me: I…am having a hard time finding my D/s vibe…I am overwhelmed with my family and have no time for me anymore.

Him: Like Day without your vibe will be a religious experience. Maybe your dog is using it as a bone.

note: He is deliberately misconstruing my comment. I hate when he does it…but it also makes me smile. It’s SO Him.

me: Not *that* vibe Master. The groove. The driving need…and…truth? I’m feeling a bit lost. I need…and yet I have no time for my own needs. And maybe this will all even out once we get back to our regular fall schedule. I start walking tomorrow morning. That will help too. Sorry for being so down.

Him:  Now, now, you’ve fallen down and can’t get up – I believe there’s a button for that: If you can’t get up, use your tongue – Lord knows that it gets enough exercise.

(my eyeroll did not get sent in a text)

me: Funnah. Bastard.

Him: Thank Youuuuuuuuuuu!

(He loves it when I call Him names. Go figure.)

me: *giggle* MASTER. I am in too bad of a mood to be giggling here–!

And of course, this kind of sets me to rights in a gentle way. He acknowledges my feelings and transmutes them.  I know some of you are saying “but i always have serious and deep discussions with my Dom over my feelings”…but we’re not 24/7 and that just isn’t our way. We do have serious conversations…but not over a little mini-rant. He understands I’m blowing steam…and helps me diffuse it.

So then, today, I get this text from Him:

Him: Since you’ve failed me miserably by withholding all physical contact for six months or so, I’ve joined Christian Singles to get a little action. My first date is with a priest.

Well.

First I laughed hysterically. The funny Bastard!!

And then I went…”hmmm…the man who says nothing about no playtime in 6 months really IS missing me in bed (and on the wall. and on the floor between his thighs…and…)

And somehow?

That helped most of all.

 

About vanillamom

For over 8 years--(EIGHT?!) nilla and M have been a D/s couple. I'm the "small s" side of that designation, as he often reminds me. I'm silly and prone to giggling at inopportune times. He's a wicked Sadist, who feeds me my drug of choice--pain. My brain is always spinning dirty and dark little fantasies, which I sometimes share with the world. Welcome to the nilla-verse. It's wet and slippery here...with a dragon or two lurking.
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9 Responses to Signals of His Need

  1. Kayla Lords says:

    I have no doubt that his admission of missing you helped more than anything. We don’t ever want to think that we’re the only one feeling needy. Doms don’t have the freedom (or don’t think they do) to express it the way needy little subs can, but when they do, it’s a reminder that we affect them as much as they affect us. 🙂

    • vanillamom says:

      you sum this up so well…it’s nice to see THEM having a need, too. He’s definitely ratcheting things up…the texts and things he says when we speak…oooh la la!!

      nilla

  2. sirqsmlb says:

    I can so understand the vanilla insanity overrunning the kink. I am glad that he’s missing you. Sounds like y’all need an emergency FaceTime meeting!!!

    Btw, you would harp – huge – on one of us for saying we felt like a fraud when vanilla overran our kink. Oh sweet nilla! You’re…um…fabulous, kind, loving and kinky as fuck. You are NOT a fraud my friend 🙂

    Hugs,
    Fiona

    • vanillamom says:

      *hangs head*….you’re right of course. I would definitely admonish another subsister for feeling fake if her situation was mine… thanks for pointing that out. Sometimes you don’t see the forest for the trees when you’re in it.

      I am SO hoping we can squeeze a wee bit of face time this weekend at some point (prayers and whammies welcome!) and hopefully playtime soon.

      nilla

  3. greengirliam says:

    It’s hard for me to imagine my relationship, or really any relationship, without the sass. Where’s the joy in being serious all the time, and why should M/s be without joy? And yea – it feels like how it should be, and it’s kinda hot that they don’t let on about needing and wanting also – but that small, genuine admission is perfect.

    • vanillamom says:

      yes EXACTLY!!! There has to be sass. I know some people take this dead seriously…but yanno…that smacks more of *real* slavery and not D/s slavery. If it’s not fun and fulfilling, why do it, right? But He so rarely says anything about His needs that the little thing he did say had great import. You’ve nailed it…it was (and is) perfect!
      Thanks gg!

      nilla

  4. monkey says:

    Nilla Honey, if you are a fraud, then I should be indicted any moment now. I agree with Fiona, Emergency! Emergency! In honor of Flashback Thursday…

    • vanillamom says:

      😀
      I LOVED that song…thanks for the cheering up. I am much better today, actually. He’s turned up the heat some, and really–it helped a lot to know HE needs, too.

      nilla

  5. Wordwytch says:

    LOL! Ah, to have him admit that he misses all the non-vanilla bits. 🙂 And all of your Nilla bits. 🙂

    As for the vanilla overload. I feel that too. No time to write, no time to have play time, ghaaaahhhhh!

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