I talked to Him the other day about a thought that occurred when doing some random stuff around here. He and I have often wrangled about the concept of need vs want. I want to be played with, I want to be used, I want to be dominated. But I don’t need it. That’s HIS take on it. I say that I DO need it. I DO need to be used, and all the rest.
To him, military guy that he will always be–a need is food. A need is water. Shelter and clothing are optional comforts–very nice to have but survivable without. Ergo, I don’t need the Domming, the play, the…all of it. I might crave it, but that’s a different thing.
He is, of course, correct.
But that doesn’t account for the heart. For the twists and turns of our minds, the many vagaries of the human condition. Can we survive with just food and water? Of course. But it would be a very mean situation. (In the old definition of ‘mean’, not ‘he’s being unkind’)
So when I moan that I need a spanking (which I do…very badly!) he will oft counter with “No you don’t, you’re just craving one.” Though lately he has also been saying “You always need a spanking, nilla. You’re just a naughty little slut.”
(which gets me all sorts of worked up!)
So then I was thinking that think that I mentioned above…do they…(the ubiquitous ‘they’…!) need/crave/want the things that they do to us, as much as we need to be on the receiving end? I kinda think they do, but He doesn’t ever talk of it. Never so much as utters that He might need to use me as hard and roughly as I want to be taken.
So I asked him.
“Do you need it? Could you live for the rest of your life without it, turn it off, shut it down, put it away and never once think about being a Dom again?”
His answer was *immediate*…no pause, no hesitation, no ‘let’s fuck with the little subbie’s train of thought.’
“No. No, I need to spank you. I need to do what I do. No. I couldn’t put it away. Not ever. It’s part of who…of what…I am.”
There was solace in that for me. That, while we can both sort of compartmentalize our wants, our sordid desires, mine tends to leak out around the edges, and sometimes (shocker alert)…I get bitchy with it. But knowing that His needs are just a potent for him (though damn him for being able to put it all in a box and wait to take it out until the opportunity is right!)…it somehow helps me be able to cope more.
I’m hanging on for dear life here because the cravings are so intense just now…and we’re not playing for a while now. We have had some short face-time interludes, and that helps…but it’s not all of what a needy slut needs. (I sound like a child there– I wanttttt ittttt!) but honest truth? I DO want it.
I think He doesn’t mind that I do, either. In fact, I think He counts on it.