A Dash of Reality

I talked to Him the other day about a thought that occurred when doing some random stuff around here. He and I have often wrangled about the concept of need vs want. I want to be played with, I want to be used, I want to be dominated. But I don’t need it. That’s HIS take on it. I say that I DO need it. I DO need to be used, and all the rest.

To him, military guy that he will always be–a need is food. A need is water. Shelter and clothing are optional comforts–very nice to have but survivable without. Ergo, I don’t need the Domming, the play, the…all of it. I might crave it, but that’s a different thing.

He is, of course, correct.

But that doesn’t account for the heart. For the twists and turns of our minds, the many vagaries of the human condition. Can we survive with just food and water? Of course. But it would be a very mean situation. (In the old definition of ‘mean’, not ‘he’s being unkind’)

So when I moan that I need a spanking (which I do…very badly!) he will oft counter with “No you don’t, you’re just craving one.” Though lately he has also been saying “You always need a spanking, nilla. You’re just a naughty little slut.”

(which gets me all sorts of worked up!)

So then I was thinking that think that I mentioned above…do they…(the ubiquitous ‘they’…!) need/crave/want the things that they do to us, as much as we need to be on the receiving end? I kinda think they do, but He doesn’t ever talk of it. Never so much as utters that He might need to use me as hard and roughly as I want to be taken.

So I asked him.

“Do you need it? Could you live for the rest of your life without it, turn it off, shut it down, put it away and never once think about being a Dom again?”

His answer was *immediate*…no pause, no hesitation, no ‘let’s fuck with the little subbie’s train of thought.’

“No. No, I need to spank you. I need to do what I do. No. I couldn’t put it away. Not ever. It’s part of who…of what…I am.”

There was solace in that for me. That, while we can both sort of compartmentalize our wants, our sordid desires, mine tends to leak out around the edges, and sometimes (shocker alert)…I get bitchy with it. But knowing that His needs are just a potent for him (though damn him for being able to put it all in a box and wait to take it out until the opportunity is right!)…it somehow helps me be able to cope more. 

I’m hanging on for dear life here because the cravings are so intense just now…and we’re not playing for a while now. We have had some short face-time interludes, and that helps…but it’s not all of what a needy slut needs. (I sound like a child there– I wanttttt ittttt!) but honest truth? I DO want it.

I think He doesn’t mind that I do, either. In fact, I think He counts on it.

 

About vanillamom

For 8 years--(EIGHT?!) nilla and M have been a D/s couple. I'm the "small s" side of that designation, as he often reminds me. I'm silly and prone to giggling at inopportune times. He's a wicked Sadist, who feeds me my drug of choice--pain. My brain is always spinning dirty and dark little fantasies, which I sometimes share with the world. Welcome to the nilla-verse. It's wet and slippery here...with a dragon or two lurking.
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11 Responses to A Dash of Reality

  1. Jz says:

    I started a reply to this … that became so long, I may just save it for a post of my own. (sorry!)
    But yes, there is a degree of solace in knowing they need us as much as we need them. Too often, I think, the “required” posturing leads doms to overlook the fact that we need to know these desires are reciprocal.
    Nobody wants to feel like their needs are being met simply as a favor to them…
    Nobody wants to feel irrelevant.

    • vanillamom says:

      Don’t be sorry that my post inspired one for you…I think that is really neat (and I’m quite flattered, actually!). M is definitely not into posturing…he is very black and white, and somewhat emotionally closed. I think he has a very tender heart…he’s done a few very touching things, and a lot of silly things…and some really awesome wicked things too! I think they really don’t “get” how important it is for us to not feel that we need to hear their wants sometimes too. It helps validate who we are as submissives.

      nilla

  2. Kayla Lords says:

    I think for many of us, Dominant or submissive, it’s a definite need – once we know it exists and we embrace it. To go for any amount of time as a complete human being makes turning off even one part of it (oh, say, the Dominant part) would make us incomplete. I’m glad he feels that way, too, since his views on most needs seem so black and white. 🙂

    • vanillamom says:

      He is very much a concrete thinker. And black and white. He can cut through emotional issues like a hot knife through butter. 😀 (but yes, after this weekend, I can see that it is (while maybe not a primal one) still a “need” for him as well. 😀

      nilla

  3. abby says:

    I so agree, for a long time I wondered if Master needed this…He finally answered my thoughts one day by telling me…it is a part of Him…has been for a long time…I feed that part of Him…those were important words for me to hear….
    hugs abby

    • vanillamom says:

      I get that, abby. We don’t hear it often enough…but it is still something that is GOOD to hear on occasion. And I don’t think he minds at all that I’m all wanting/craving this and begging for it…perhaps that fills another “want” for him as well, to be begged to hurt someone, when hurting someone already makes him happy? I dunno. I’m just happy that our needs mesh…

      nilla

  4. ancilla ksst says:

    I think they don’t crave it as much as we do. You know why? Because they are on their own schedule. And we are on their schedule. They can do what they want, when they want, at least if there are regular visits or living together situations- long distance relationships are something else. But we don’t get to determine when we get what we want, so we are left with more cravings.

    What do you do when your Master says he doesn’t need it though? Yes, he likes it, but it is not a need for him.

    • vanillamom says:

      It’s very true–they are on their own schedules, and as a very general rule, most men are really good at compartmentalizing themselves. When they don’t have it, they put it aside and take up the next issue and they don’t overlap. They don’t fret about not getting any when they’re busy with other things. (And that’s a very big generalization, but men and women are, for the most part, biologically different.) Well, M is a strange fish. He doesn’t outright say he doesn’t need it…he says “need and want are two different things”. Needs are things that one must have to survive. Wants are things that you like and might desire, but can live without. Though he has told me that he has to beat on something, and that something is me! So…there ya go. 😀

      nilla

  5. greengirliam says:

    I think this is my biggest insecurity in all this. He also has only twice been explicit about needing this – and even then, he doesn’t say need – he says it is who he is. What is it with them not using that word?

    • vanillamom says:

      Maybe…perhaps…they are a bit afraid of needing that way? Maybe it fucks with their tough guy image? I’m not sure. But M has assured me that if he wasn’t happy, he’d let me know. I know that my own insecurities are mine, not caused by him, but by my own overthinking at times. Or reading of someone elses issues and thinking…gee maybe that affects us too and I have been inattentive in checking with him and then he gives me that “just stop it nilla” voice…and we’re back on an even keel again.

      nilla

  6. Wordwytch says:

    Sneaky bastards aren’t they?

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