We were talking on New Year’s Eve, our last time to talk for this year. It was mid-afternoon, and He hadn’t responded to an earlier text that I’d sent Him. When I drew His attention to it there was a moment of silence from His end of the phone (a rare event indeed.)
“That’s not possible.”
“It is Master.”
There is another long pause. I’ve learned (most times) to not interject into those silent moments. What He says next, as usual, takes me by surprise.
“Well, you just need to blog this and tell all your readers about this.”
Now I pause.
“You absolutely do.”
“O—kay….” I say, trying to frame a response, when He continues.
“You absolutely need to let your readers know that you, nilla, have neglected my needs.”
I blink. Good thing I’m at a red light so I have time to let my brain catch up with His words.
And I explode into giggles. I swear I can hear Him smiling through the phone.
“You have. I have needs nilla, and it’s very apparent that you’ve neglected them. Big time. You need to tell them what a slut you are, ignoring your Master’s needs this way.”
By now, I’m laughing my head off, in between coughing fits. When He goes on this way, He gets me going good.
So what are we talking about? The fact that this year was a very bad year for playtime for us. Only two times for nilla and Master to play. Twice. Now…that said, I have to add that we’ve had many, many face times, kissy times and pinchy times that have filled the gaps. I had a “wondering” some time ago— wondering if He wanted (needed?) the D/s play as much as I did.
I was craving the beating, the need to be fucked senseless, craving all the dark and dirty things that we do behind closed doors that hurt and feel good and …you know–they settle me. Calm my racing brain, make me feel alive and controlled and safe.
He responded that He did need it…or why bother living. He said (and I spoke of this in a prior post) that He needed the release of beating something–and I was His something. 😀
He knows how to put my mind at ease. I’m not sure why I needed to know how much He really does need what He gets out of our relationship, but I’m sure that our lack of playtime played into that small bit of uncertainty.
This was a tough year for us both- we had, between the two of us, a rolling bout with the flu and that head virus that went around up here around Thanksgiving, and that killed not one, but TWO potential playtimes. (And my not healing from my bout with the flu in November and not following up with the doctor led me to a serious infection that’s taken me 3 weeks to get under control.) I had a trip to visit my beloved friend Sofia, and He had multiple trips to the mid-Atlantic, more than He’s had in the past.
I added some clients, He changed jobs, our kids went through stuff, and my schedule got very difficult to juggle. It wasn’t His fault that there weren’t more playtimes, nor fully mine–but circumstances seemed fated to keep us apart for the good hard play we both need.
So…though I’m not one for ‘resolutions’ per se, I have resolved to make more time for us to play. We’ve been together as a couple for a long while now, and that hot urgency has slipped into something that is comfortable. We’re compatible enough that when we are apart for a while, we make it work. We make each other happy, we talk a lot, and the sexy stuff–it doesn’t happen nonstop, ya’ll.
Does that shock you? Maybe if you’re a newbie and just exploring the wild wickedness of D/s it might. But D/s–a real relationship–isn’t like porn. There ARE moments of wild highs, where the beatings and pain and sex come fast and furiously…where one is whirled up into this heady troposphere where submission is both what you do and who you are and it’s bliss and flying and fucking A awesome.
But in reality? Those times aren’t constant. Who could sustain that, right? I often liken a Master’s role to the role of training a dog. When I’ve done dog school with my pooches, you work hard at first, constantly correcting and training. But once the work it done, it only takes occasional reminders to keep the pooch in line. But submissives, once they get a taste of that? Want more of it. And more of it. And more of it. And it is a (in my opinion) MASSIVE amount of work for our Dominants. And really–isn’t our role to make things easier for them? So no, I don’t think anyone can live with that uber-high level of Dominance…but one can always be submissive. (And you know, obedient.) (BTW, Doms, that doesn’t totally rescind YOUR responsibility to be “present” and be partners who “feed” us occasionally. We won’t expect you to be the Big Mean Dommy Guy all the time, but that doesn’t let you off the hook forever. Just sayin’…!)
For Master and I, the dominance and submission are an undercurrent through all we do, but it’s kind of like the wallpaper in your kitchen–it’s just there and you may not really notice it. It doesn’t mean that we don’t HAVE it–just that it’s part of the very basics of who nilla and Master are together. He’ll interject a “shut up nilla” if I’m talking too much in a conversation, or a quick reminder that “of course it’s not fair–did you forget the meaning behind the Big D and the small s, slut?” Maybe because we’re not 24/7 we’re more attentive to our dynamic–but even with us there is a lot of vanilla filling, with a dash here and there of the D/s.
So… I’m resolving to make more time to attend to His needs (see? I even said that with a straight face!)…and to get my ass whooped a whole lot more in 2015.
Happy New Year, pervie peeps!