Fighting No More

subtitled: He makes me see reason…His way.

We talked about my “pissy mood”…and He says…

You may have very valid points as to why you are pissed.

You can imagine my surprise. The quick in-drawn breath I had–I know He heard it–was held in suspense as He continued.

What you have to realize, nilla, is that it doesn’t matter.

And in a strictly vanilla sense? That would have enraged me…but. We’re not a vanilla couple. These conversations and snits and happy times…they make a pretense at being vanilla.

But we are not vanilla.

The …tone of how He said it…understanding that He knew that I was “right” and He was “not”…

and that it doesn’t matter in our dynamic…

it was —

*at a word loss here*

Necessary? Important? for me to hear. To grok His words at that uncomfortable place where I realize that what I might want at the moment will be —must be — suborned by His will. It doesn’t matter one whit that I might have been in the right. In a vanilla relationship it would be different…but this is a D/s dynamic…and He rules. Even if He’s wrong…He’s still in charge. His way, His rules, His whim. Doesn’t matter one fucking bit if I am right. Because in our dynamic…He always wins.

He is the Top. Comes out on Top, stays on Top.

He followed that up by saying I needed to be “checked” (as in stopped, like in hockey)…and to be made to re-establish my balance,

… it is My job to put you into balance nilla. My balance. Which means that your role is to be ‘unbalanced’–tipped on the bottom side of the scales. I’m on top. Always.

It’s funny that I keep forgetting that. Keep getting wrapped up in the day-to-day vanilla-esque talk. The one that mimics life as a “normal couple.”

But we’re not a “normal” couple. Because He is the big D…and I’m the small s…He’s on top, and I’m on the bottom. He’s the Boss, and I do His bidding–not the other way around.

and it … it felt a bit harsh. A bit like a choke-chain on a dog running out the leash…only to be brought up short.

He’s right, you know. One hundred percent right.

And it works.

And i’m good with Him.

And He forgives me for being a jerk. (even if I was right!)

About vanillamom

For 8 years--(EIGHT?!) nilla and M have been a D/s couple. I'm the "small s" side of that designation, as he often reminds me. I'm silly and prone to giggling at inopportune times. He's a wicked Sadist, who feeds me my drug of choice--pain. My brain is always spinning dirty and dark little fantasies, which I sometimes share with the world. Welcome to the nilla-verse. It's wet and slippery here...with a dragon or two lurking.
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5 Responses to Fighting No More

  1. subkitty says:

    Might it be, that what you want isn’t what you actually need, and he gives you what you need and necessarily what you think you want?

    Anywho! Glad you worked things out!

    SK

    • vanillamom says:

      you got it on the head…it isn’t what I need. I don’t need to prove anything…but it was a double loss at the time since it kept us apart at a time when I had a narrow window to see him…and there I go right down that path again…*knocks forehead*…

      nilla

  2. greengirliam says:

    That ^^ – being right and having it not matter is so hard to absorb. But it also feels right, and necessary, like any of the other things that reinforce and re-establish places. For me, i can absorb it precisely because he acknowledges i’m right. I wonder if i could if he didn’t? I’m glad things are righting in your world.

    • vanillamom says:

      Yes…it’s a hard dynamic when one likes to ‘win’… 😀

      I wish I didn’t still need those little checks every now and again…

      nilla

  3. Wordwytch says:

    Isn’t amazing how they can pull that chain without us ever seeing it move?

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