Still Breathing…but

…keeping one’s head above water is hard work sometimes. I love my work, I do. I love my family, I do. I have a good life, maybe even a great one. I have enough to eat, clothing to wear, a job I love, and people I care deeply about.

But all that aside?

I’m a filthy, dirty-minded, wanton slut.

And that part of me has become a recluse. Through over-programming in my vanilla life, to loss of time with my Master (and communication)…I’m feeling…adrift.

I know many of my fellow wanton sluts have gone through this–maybe are going through it now. I’m not alone in my misery. Oh hell, maybe that’s too strong a word? I’m *not* miserable. But I’m lonely, even with my family and friends around me. Lonely for the slut I was 5, 6 years ago. For the hunger I had when this all began 7+ years ago. Avidly reading blogs, commenting.

My kids were younger, way younger then, so I didn’t have schooling them, nor worrying about them reading over my shoulder at what I’m reading or writing. So many challenges.

So I sent Him an email. One that shares my longing to be that slut again, to be marked by Him, used by Him, to share the depravity that we call D/s. We MUST make time to be together. We just must.

For now I wait to get his response.

Waiting, it’s part of a sluts job, right? I feel like I’ve been waiting forever…but I know it’s not so.

And we’ll make plans, to try to connect.

Funny thing about that word, connect. Reminds me of plugging in an appliance, a lamp. What happens when you do that? Why, through the wonders of wiring–they work. They illuminate, they heat, they do all sorts of amazing things.

I need to connect to Him, to be illuminated, to be charged, to be fully, wholly myself. It’s no wonder I’ve been feeling dim, then is it?




About vanillamom

For over 8 years--(EIGHT?!) nilla and M have been a D/s couple. I'm the "small s" side of that designation, as he often reminds me. I'm silly and prone to giggling at inopportune times. He's a wicked Sadist, who feeds me my drug of choice--pain. My brain is always spinning dirty and dark little fantasies, which I sometimes share with the world. Welcome to the nilla-verse. It's wet and slippery here...with a dragon or two lurking.
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8 Responses to Still Breathing…but

  1. Jz says:

    Disconnect going on around here, too. Different way but… yup.

    • vanillamom says:

      nodding. I get it. It just keeps manifesting itself in a variety of ways –in a variety of lives—and we can only hope for the new year and back to routine to settle us all, methinks.


  2. Yes, it seems the end of year business has clouded those connections. A new year is upon, always feels like a fresh start on all that is good for us.

    • vanillamom says:

      A fresh start it will be. We’ll get back to “normal” once the frenetic busy holiday time is past, and all be the better for it. 😀


  3. With the holidays, traveling, and family we are feeling it as well. So looking forward to putting it behind us and regaining that connection.

    • vanillamom says:

      Thanks JB. I think it really is that time of year. It’s stressful. It’s busy. It’s hectic. It’s family and friends and mostly good stuff—but it does remove us from any sense of “normal”. I, for one, am looking forward to the holidaze being done, for all that I’ve enjoyed them so much this year…but I’m ready for a bit of normal too!


  4. abby says:

    I think many of us could use a connection about now…me included…
    hugs abby

    • vanillamom says:

      Hoping we connect even for a wee bit this weekend. NO playtime yet, but I’ll settle for hugs and pinches….hoping you get a little something soon, too.


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