I’m headed off for a mini retreat. Yay! Though it amuses/shocks me how hard we have to work to prepare for a day or two off, I know that it will be worth it. I’ll be in my very happy place; there will be peace and quiet and no internet nor electricity. Just trees, and birds, and sky and nature. Very earthy, very quiet, very fun. I’m so looking forward to it.

It occurred to me, as I was driving home from work tonight, that there was an impending problem.

“Master,” I said, “I have a BIG problem.”

“Don’t I know it,” he says, and I can hear the smirk in his voice. The bastard!

“Not my ass!  I’ve learned to live with it,” I say, beating him to the punch (and isn’t that a funny thing for a submissive, huh?!).

“Okay, what then?”

I rush into my explanation. He gets impatient sometimes and won’t hear me out (she says, as if it matters what I want as compared to what he wants! I know, I get it, I’m totally spoiled that way!)

“I’ll be away on Prep Day…and on Like Day….NO way I can have either where I am going. I was wondering if I should do the prep day when I return, and have my O on the next day.”

There is a long pause. I can see him in my minds eye, lips pursed, eyes looking off into the distance as he ponders this. He is, and always has been, careful of his replies in these sorts of slutty matters. He pauses long enough that I actually begin to hope that he will say yes.


“Wait…what? NO? No?? But Master,” I implore (because imploring sounds so much more mature than whining…), “surely you don’t want me to miss a prep day…” He interrupts smoothly.

“…and surely you don’t want to miss your O. Waaay ahead of you nilla. No. It’s a wash. No prep….and no O.”

It’s pointless to argue, but I know he hears the faint degree of whimper in my voice.

“No O for a week, (pause for deep sigh) yes Master.”

He says nothing and the subject turns to something else. But I know he noted that I was feeling put out. And needy.

And he liked it.



Perverse (and Perverted!)

He really is perverse. I was *so* mad at him the other day. (This was after the email, which he had replied to and all was well.)

He wasn’t following the rules.

I got a bit pissy. Not snarky, but I skirted at the very edge of appropriate responses. He ignores some, replies to others  in this totally bland manner that makes me insane, and never, ever gets angry with me.



So I spent the day in a mental huff, and barely ‘spoke’ to him (which he really doesn’t care about either…damn him!) via text, and almost, almost didn’t do my Monday task. The dreaded two-half-O task.


I lay in bed fuming, saying ‘fuck Him’. I’m NOT gonna do it.

But then I thought…”Fuck…the rules for me don’t change just because I’m annoyed/pissed.”

“Fuck him.”

But I rolled out of bed, and performed the two fucking half o’s and then sent him a very snarky text.

The next evening we talked on the phone as I drove home from work. When I told him I was really mad at him yesterday, he laughed and said “I know. It was a great day!”


He was not only unaffected by my huff, he was amused by it?

“You’re so fucking perverse, Master.”

“Not at all,” he responds. “This has nothing to do with you, nilla. And it has everything to do with me, and my pleasure. If you’re mad, so what? I don’t care if you’re mad at me, I like it when you’re engaged, mad, whatever.”

I had to ponder that one for a bit. If a Dom wants a reaction from a sub, it isn’t always pleasure. HIS pleasure comes from my displeasure.

(I was very displeased. Just sayin’…)

But having him lay it out like that for me, kind of brought it home in a different way. And then he says,

“You know, nilla, that’s why I have the big D, and you, the small s.”

I sighed. He is right, of course.

And then he throws this out. That he’s gotten a new toy, a new instrument of torment. And can’t wait to use it. Can’t wait.

Makes me guess what it could be.

What it might be.

Leads me to it, clue by clue.

Something you use in the rain. Something you use in your car. Something that will cause great pain. Something that is both metal and rubber….

A fucking windshield wiper blade.

I’ll let you know how that turns out….

Aaand…We’re Okay (With a Side of HNT)

The good thing is that i’ve learned to communicate with him without being confrontational. (that’s a major step for me in all walks of life, btw)

Yeah, things weren’t great, and I’ve had issues piling up. But laying them out for him gave him the opportunity to handle them his way, while still making sure that he heard what I was saying.

It’s a cautious tight-rope being a submissive with an issue, isn’t it?

He wrote back this morning, and said he understood where I was coming from. That he’ll throw me a bone now and then (that was not a euphemism!) and not ignore me quite so much. It’s really, really hard for both of us as we’re both working many days and virtually no free time to even think about spending time with one another. Play time? Pfft. Yeah. Right. I was hoping that this summer we’d have time, but my schedule isn’t easing up at all, nor is his. So we’ll continue to make it work as best we can. I love him…and suspect he feels the same though he’d never say it out loud. That’s just the kind of Dom he is. So things won’t change *much* but I didn’t need them too, not much. I like who he is, and accept that (you can’t make someone be what they’re not, after all) he’ll always be parsimonious with his praises. If I didn’t accept that, I’d have been gone years ago, right? We’re not falling right back into the same-old, same-old, but we are pushing forward.

And maybe I’ll get to see him before the Fall (sigh)–and that’s 100% on me, btw. At least we know where we stand. And HE knows how i’ve been feeling about things. (Doms are not mind readers, so I’ve discovered! He needs to know what is circling in my head.)

And…it’s HNT day. What better way to heave a sigh of relief than with a tity pic? Guys get morning wood…and nilla gets morning nipple…!

Thanks, everyone, for your kind words of support. I really wasn’t sure if we’d just call it a day and say we were done. And we’re not, and life is good.


Did I Just End Us?

Time will tell.

But sometimes you have to air out the grievances. If he and I can’t work it out after 7 years, then it’s time to be done.

I’m not looking for a playmate, a new Master, a Dom.

My vanilla life is full and fine and happy and busy as (sorry Jz) Fuck-all. So if He doesn’t have time for me, or we can’t come to some terms that work for us both, then maybe it is time to be done.

See? You all need to see that this D/s thing has it’s downs as well as it’s ups. And maybe some of the down is because I’ve not had time for any play with him since the early winter. And that sucks and pulls us away from one another. And we’ve missed even seeing one another for nearly two months.

I remember a time when that would have killed me.

Now I fill up that time with work. I’m a working maniac, did you know that? A million and one projects and no dominant around to beat the fuck out of me. (Maybe that’s what I really need after all…)


When Relaxing MUST Happen

You may have noted the dearth of posts of late–my free time (what wee bit of it there was to begin with) was suctioned away by a HUGE home maintenance project for these last several weeks. It’s driving me fucking (oops, sorry Jz–I heard that *beeep*!) FREAKING crazy.

Don’t get me wrong, though.

I’m really proud of my skillset. Proud that I can maintain 99% of household projects of this ilk, and not need to call in a handy-dandy man to come fix it for the poor widdle woman. Yes, that was sarcasm. Let’s move on. 😀

ON the other hand, it’s sucked away any and all free time. Not to mention the two volunteer projects I said “yes” to in recent weeks. As Jz said when I visited her this weekend, with a delicately arched brow…”what were you thinking?” When I told her I really could say ‘no’, she merely arched that brow higher. Yeah. I know, all evidence to the contrary.

All this means that I’ve not had time to write, think, dream or otherwise engage in events that really do gladden my little pornographic heart, and dampen my panties. Not for nilla is there time for fantasy fodder. Not for nilla is there even a wisp of a thought of some random naughtiness.

It’s very unlike me, isn’t it?

And yet–it’s summer. And in summer we northern clime peeps tend to do a shitload  (oops!) humongous amount of things that we can’t really get to/do because of inclement cold weather. Not to mention that unmentionable “s” word.  So for the next 3 or 4 weeks I’m going to be nipples-deep in projects, and semi-neglecting you. And when I get a moment to surface and grab a snatch…of AIR you pervs….I’ll continue to work on the two stories that are sitting in my ‘unfinished’ folder. They’ll patiently wait there until I add more words.

So you be good and wait patiently…or, don’t be good–and enjoy the hell out of whatever fulfills you!

I did take a wee break, 20 solid hours of doing NOTHING I HAD TO DO. I spent time with Jz, talking and eating and chillin’. I slept more than 6 hours straight, and woke refreshed and calm and quiet in my head. It was a wonderful demi-weekend visit. No rules, no schedule to keep, no obligations. Just time with my good friend. A friend who also has a wicked humor that’s pretty much on an equal par with her…dare I say it…klutz skills. Yeah, if I entered her in the county fair under ‘most likely to hurt herself with a tissue’ SHE SURE HAS THAT BLUE RIBBON SEWED UP !!  (Okay, maybe not a tissue, but truly the most innocuous things seem to go out of their way to harm and attack this woman!) (that’s what we’ll say Jz, not that you’re a klutz, that you’re merely under attack by the world around you!) Since I too am a klutz, I feel I can pretty accurately judge a fellow klutz-a-maniac. And she puts me to shame. (NOT that I plan on trying harder. I’ll leave the hurtin’ of nilla bits to Master, thank you very much!)

I’m working on…if not exactly correcting my language, perhaps softening it is a better phrase? I’ve been more than generous with my use of ‘fuck’ as a verb, noun, adjective, adverb–it’s a very handy word to have in the tool box, you know? But as I’ve now been scolded by family, AND Master for overuse of it, it is past time to give it a rest. Jz hit upon a lovely way of helping me, since I wasn’t even noticing how much I was using it. She ‘beeped’.  And I laughed and corrected and redirected. After all, I have a fabulous vocabulary. But if I’m multitasking with just ‘fuck’ I’m really not showing that diversity of language, am I?

Thank you, Jz, for fun and food and rest and conversations. And beeping. 😀 Ya’ll, it cannot be overstated how wonderful it is to be able to sit in a comfy chair and talk about anal fisting and nipple piercing without judgement! It’s not a hidden-away subject, we’re sitting there and talking and sharing our thoughts, and our reasons for revulsion and the crazy things that turn us on and….and…it’s just very, very neat to have that kind of friendship. And close enough for me to visit semi-regularly. It’s a blessing, to be sure!


Belated Twofer~ Nipple Torture Version

How the hell did Thursday go by so fast? And Friday too? Here it is, late on Saturday as I sit in a blogfriend’s living room as I realize how badly I’ve fucked up! Thankfully M has been equally as busy and He missed my missing TitPix too.

Here’s the twofer since I missed my regularly scheduled tittty day!

20160621_001418imagea weighty reminderoops! Looks like I can’t count, either. 😀


He’s an Asshole


Yes, I’m alive. Totally swamped just now but really, I’m hear. Thank you for not feeling like I neglected the fuck out of you. You didn’t think I did it apurpose, did you? Coz, no.

So the the heading. Ya. My M.


Gave me Independence Day off from my most hated “prep day”…2 edgings, the infamous Master Half-O’s. Which, as I pointed out to him are really like 99.9% O’s. Because, you know, they get you right to the edge of that fucking cliff (pun intended) without falling over. Which made him laugh, the delight clear in his amusement.

But then he plants this seed of doubt.

“I gotta say, nilla, I think you’re going to have a less than spectacular O tonight,” as we chat Tuesday evening.

“Master,” I reply, my tone also amused. “I *always* have great O’s….well, there was the one time I just couldn’t come, but all the other times…sure.”

“I don’t think it will be anything to cheer about,” He says, his tone serious. “After all, no prep to tease and taunt your pussy with. And we all know how your pussy responds to that sort of…stimulation.”

“You mean torture,” I say.

“Whatever. It still makes you squirt, little girl.”

I can feel myself blushing. Maybe it’s just the heat…(yeah, right)..?

“But without that prep on Monday, I sincerely doubt you’ll have any kind of deep satisfaction.”

We go on to talk of other things but that nugget has been planted. It’s time to pound the pussy and I’m laying there, determined to prove Him wrong. (why do we do that?) And I’m looking at porn and just not…feeling that same….driving need.

And I fantasize, and I come…about two quarter sized drops.


Last time I had an orgasm (last week)…I had a ginormous ssquirty thing…(and I have pictorial proof, too!). But last night, I really was doomed to be disappointed.

Damn that Man!


PS. I spent all day today being uber turned on, thinking about this. How fucking weird. *shaking my head*