When Lines Get Tangled

This is Master and nilla lately.

We can’t seem to communicate for shit.

He resorts to silence “until your mood passes”, not understanding how much that hurts. WHY, male Doms/Tops….why is it SO fucking hard to say “I like you” or “I care about you” or “I miss not spending time with you”???

Is it because you ALWAYS have to be on top, never letting your guard down? Like…I’m going to jump all over the emo connection and bat my eyes and coo and bill?

No.

I just…need to know that he cares. Just a little. That it’s not okay to accept the status quo. Yes, I’m super busy. But when I eke out time, even a small sliver of it, and HE doesn’t/can’t/won’t make time to meet me in that narrow window…it gets frustrating as hell.

Never in our almost 8 years together have we ever spent this much time apart. NO face time since mid-May, fercrissakes, and I’m supposed to sit and smile and be accepting of this?

No.

No I’m not. I’m not accepting it, AT ALL.

It’s not wrong  to want to be with your Dom.

It’s not wrong to be upset when time after time meetings fall through.

It’s not WRONG, dammit, to be pissed off because we’re just piddling through, with hardly any communication at all.

And it’s not wrong for me to be *respectfully* pissed and work through the channels that HE created for me to communicate. But he doesn’t answer, doesn’t communicate, makes me feel like I’m wrong to feel the way I feel because “every 90 days you go off this way”. I call bullshit. I spoke to him two weeks ago about these same frustrations and no change, no acknowledgement. But there has been NO dissent, NO moodiness, NO disrespect, NO arguing in close to two years. Don’t give me that “every 90 days” bullcrap. That was in the early days, M, not now.

So now I’m disrespectfully pissed.

 

About vanillamom

For 8 years--(EIGHT?!) nilla and M have been a D/s couple. I'm the "small s" side of that designation, as he often reminds me. I'm silly and prone to giggling at inopportune times. He's a wicked Sadist, who feeds me my drug of choice--pain. My brain is always spinning dirty and dark little fantasies, which I sometimes share with the world. Welcome to the nilla-verse. It's wet and slippery here...with a dragon or two lurking.
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20 Responses to When Lines Get Tangled

  1. jadescastle says:

    i think any woman would be hurt and angry. You need face time and reassurance, especially in the absence of your Master. That is called being human, nilla, which didn’t cease because you are also a slave. ❤

    • vanillamom says:

      thanks jade…it’s true, I still have needs. And I was really mad and hurt…but thankfully we managed to talk it out. I just couldn’t find all the right words to reach him…after a week, perhaps he was more ready to listen, too.
      nilla

  2. ewoman88 says:

    atta girl, be mad, they aren’t allowed to neglect us just because they don’t want to deal with our “messy feminine emotions” and they think that “giving us space” will make us “wake up” and realize we’re being “childish”… you are allowed to have fucking feelings that’s part of being human, duh, also we’re social creatures who need constant reassurance that we’re still loved, because we’re not freaking mind readers! he’s the one dropping the ball here, not you 🙂

    • jim sedrut says:

      good points………..

    • vanillamom says:

      I was SO mad…but not out of control screaming mad. And there was a lot of hurt mixed in there as well. It took time for me to be able to say what I needed in a way that He could finally ‘grok’ what I was saying. And trying to pull emotion from him is often like pulling blood from a stone so I was in a hard place.

      thanks, e.

      nilla

  3. sin says:

    yes, they do always need to be on top.

    http://findingmysubmission.blogspot.ca/

    • vanillamom says:

      yes…they do. But there are still..expectations of behavior, I guess. When I’m communicating clearly and not getting a response, I’m going to get frustrated, you know? He’s not such into control that –as long as I’m respectful– I can’t ask for what I need or express a problem I’m having in our relationship. That’s what finally got through to him, actually. But it was a week=long road to get to that point.

      nilla

  4. abby says:

    I get it…and you are not wrong to be pissed. Part of being a good Master..in my lowly opinion..is knowing your submissive…and that includes knowing what she needs to hear….at least occasionally. This used to drive me nuts and worse…we resolved it, but it was not easy. It is part of submission to need your Master…to know He needs and misses you…reinforces that submission when it cannot be done in the preferred way.
    Hugs..hang in there sweetie…at least the Red Sox are having a good season…
    hugs abby

    • vanillamom says:

      definitely not a lowly opinion, abby–he was a jerk. 😀 He finally, finally *heard* me, which was the biggest part of things.

      Even Dom’s need to learn to listen, you know?

      nilla

  5. Jz says:

    Two words…
    tee
    pee

  6. Bleue says:

    I hate that kind of passive-aggressive bull. And I’ve called mine on it–rather dis-respectively and unslavelikeish often over the years: dude, meet me where I am or tell me clearly that you are leaving me in the dark.
    Hang in there.

    • vanillamom says:

      YES!! It was so out of character of Him…he told me later that he was just letting me ‘vent’ …but really, I sent one text in two days…that’s not venting, that’s NEEDING communication. Men. AT least he’s trying harder. 😀 It’s a step in the right direction.

      nilla

  7. Michelle says:

    Just sending hugs. Communication is HARD. Especially when toy don’t have the face time to go with it. Sending you some love and light.

    • vanillamom says:

      Your love and light must have helped, Michelle, as things definitely have improved. Communication IS hard, and gosh, I miss his face.

      nilla

  8. I absolutely understand why you’re pissed and support the emotion. Two people need to work together to maintain a connection. Hugs to you

    • vanillamom says:

      thanks cammies…it’s true…communication is not a one way street. Thank goodness we’re making progress. And we like one another again.

      nilla

  9. olivia says:

    i’m so late reading this!! But of course you have a right to your feelings, and he needs to get that. You know i’m with you 100%. ❤ Sending love…

    • vanillamom says:

      Thank you darling! I was really, really REALLY pissed, and I don’t get that way very often anymore. But it’s better now…thank goodness.

      (thank YOU for helping me see that I can communicate without drama…you have no idea how much that has helped over the years…)

      nilla

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