Untangled

So we have moved from that tangled mess to a smoother place. Maybe not 100%, but He has said that he’ll work on the main issue that I brought to him.

We’re talking again, on the phone, and …it’s been good. He made me laugh yesterday, first smile in weeks, it seems.

Did he see my blog? Or did my last, desperate text message finally help him understand how very close I was to just saying ‘fuck it, i’m done’.

I won’t have another Master. It’s him or no one for me. Too old to try to settle in with someone else. Too busy, too set in my ways, too entwined with M’s ways to think about starting all over again. Can I live without D/s?

Of course.

I wouldn’t love it, but it wouldn’t end me.

I’d still have prurient fantasies to share, but no, if M and I ever did part ways, that would be it for me in the D/s world. Does that shock you, that a person could be a one-Dom submissive? Sometimes it shocks me, yet I cannot imagine submitting to anyone else. I know others who feel the same, and I think it may be in part due to our to age, and partly because of our lengthy relationship with our same Dominant. (not saying we HAVE the same Dom, but that we’ve each had “our” dom for a long time)

And while it may not be impossible for someone else, my life is hugely time-challenged just now, and I can’t see a place where I could squeeze in time with “someone else”.  gosh knows it’s been hard enough finding any time with M…

And the thought of it..*pauses, bites lip, stares up at the ceiling for a moment*…I….can’t wrap my head around it really..

So tonight I’m glad I don’t have to go down that path in my head. Don’t have to worry about anything other than I lost my O this week because I was too mad to do prep on Monday night, and thought ‘fuck it’.  My own sense of right wouldn’t let me even consider taking an O after he’d declared some weeks ago ‘no prep, no o the next night’–I am, in my deepest heart, a good submissive.

Even when it’s hard.

Even when He was a jerky asshole Dom who was ignoring me.  Even when he made me cry. Because at the heart of it all? I want to be His good girl.

 

About vanillamom

For over 8 years--(EIGHT?!) nilla and M have been a D/s couple. I'm the "small s" side of that designation, as he often reminds me. I'm silly and prone to giggling at inopportune times. He's a wicked Sadist, who feeds me my drug of choice--pain. My brain is always spinning dirty and dark little fantasies, which I sometimes share with the world. Welcome to the nilla-verse. It's wet and slippery here...with a dragon or two lurking.
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9 Responses to Untangled

  1. Jz says:

    Thank goodness!
    (the store was running low on Charmin)
    :-p

    • vanillamom says:

      ahahahahaha!!

      PHEW! Catastrophe avoided. The thought of it did make me smile as I worked towards a solution…always a good fallback, you know!

      HUG,

      nilla

  2. olivia says:

    i’m so glad that you’re making progress with him. i totally get what you’re saying – although i still say you never know. But yes. That makes perfect sense to me.

    • vanillamom says:

      thanks olivia…we are making progress and things are better. I don’t expect perfection–that would be stupid, and I’m not! But I do wish for a bit of consideration now and again…and open lines of conversation when things go awry. (as they will).

      Nilla

  3. His slut says:

    I’m a new “wannabe” slave, trying to learn and find my way. Your blog is a great inspiration, I appreciate your depiction of the reality of life as a slave in a semi long distance relationship (I can relate to that). I hope things continue to improve with your Master and look forward to more posts in the future. Thank you for sharing your journey.

    • vanillamom says:

      Thanks His slut. It’s always been (my blog, I mean) a place for me to vent and be honest. There’s no point in putting out there that this or any relationship will be all roses and whips, you know? It’s a struggle, it takes work, but mostly, it takes honest communication. I wish you well on your path,

      nilla

  4. abby says:

    I am happy to hear that a resolution was found. Like you, I consider myself a one Dom submissive. I think part of it is the age thing, and what we have is so good, I am pretty sure it could not be replaced…and absolutely sure I would not want to put in the necessary work to get this far again.
    hugs abby

  5. fiona says:

    Oh nilla – I feel like a horrible friend. I had no idea that this was going on. I am so so sorry. I am glad things are getting … better – but I am sorry for the angst and sadness and struggles.
    hugs,
    fiona

  6. twonefive says:

    I am glad you found your resolution. However, I just wanted to say that I totally get it with your thoughts of its him or no-one. I am the same. My Master actually uncollared me (the fault was on my end) and we didn’t see each other for ten years. In that ten years I never had another dom. I wanted to at first, but it just never felt right. The collar may have been off my neck, but I was always his. We reconnected after all that time apart and it was like coming home. He was surprised to learn that there he been no-one else (i dated and stuff, but no D/s arrangement) and although he hadn’t expected it or asked it of me he was very pleased.

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