So we have moved from that tangled mess to a smoother place. Maybe not 100%, but He has said that he’ll work on the main issue that I brought to him.
We’re talking again, on the phone, and …it’s been good. He made me laugh yesterday, first smile in weeks, it seems.
Did he see my blog? Or did my last, desperate text message finally help him understand how very close I was to just saying ‘fuck it, i’m done’.
I won’t have another Master. It’s him or no one for me. Too old to try to settle in with someone else. Too busy, too set in my ways, too entwined with M’s ways to think about starting all over again. Can I live without D/s?
I wouldn’t love it, but it wouldn’t end me.
I’d still have prurient fantasies to share, but no, if M and I ever did part ways, that would be it for me in the D/s world. Does that shock you, that a person could be a one-Dom submissive? Sometimes it shocks me, yet I cannot imagine submitting to anyone else. I know others who feel the same, and I think it may be in part due to our to age, and partly because of our lengthy relationship with our same Dominant. (not saying we HAVE the same Dom, but that we’ve each had “our” dom for a long time)
And while it may not be impossible for someone else, my life is hugely time-challenged just now, and I can’t see a place where I could squeeze in time with “someone else”. gosh knows it’s been hard enough finding any time with M…
And the thought of it..*pauses, bites lip, stares up at the ceiling for a moment*…I….can’t wrap my head around it really..
So tonight I’m glad I don’t have to go down that path in my head. Don’t have to worry about anything other than I lost my O this week because I was too mad to do prep on Monday night, and thought ‘fuck it’. My own sense of right wouldn’t let me even consider taking an O after he’d declared some weeks ago ‘no prep, no o the next night’–I am, in my deepest heart, a good submissive.
Even when it’s hard.
Even when He was a jerky asshole Dom who was ignoring me. Even when he made me cry. Because at the heart of it all? I want to be His good girl.