I was thinking tonight at work about how long I’ve been doing this…this D/s “thing” you could call it. I feel I can’t really call it a lifestyle in my particular case, since I don’t “live it” 24/7 with my Master.
And yet, we’ve been doing this now for 7 years, starting on year 8 in another few weeks.
My Master? Well, He’s a sadist–but he has compassion.
I remember a Dom I was with way at the beginning, and my son (and later I) came down with Swine Flu. He was very young and we stayed in isolation in our house so the baby didn’t get sick. He was so very ill, nearly hospitalized. I was getting less than 4 hours of sleep for days, becoming sick myself, and frankly? I was frantic that I was going to lose my child. During all that, I forgot some stupid protocol rule…and He was insistent that I was to be punished. I still recall how totally taken aback I was, at the total unfairness, at the uncaring attitude for a terrifying real-life situation that I was living in.
My Master is a sadist, but he cares about me. He rarely punishes me, (because I am usually a good girl!) but there are consequences for actions (or lack of actions). He would never make me choose between caring for my family and a rule. He has shown me that despite how wickedly he can and will hurt my body, that he has a wellspring of caring for the rest of my life, and how I have to balance the vanilla side with the (more fun) D/s side of things. He taught me that pain is counterbalanced with caring, that this thing we do is for many different kinds of pleasure.
I have learned patience (at last!!)..He will direct me to do something and ‘stay’ (yeah, kinda like a dog…!) and I will. He will make me wait for orgasms. (Wait and wait and wait for orgasms!) He gave me that gift (though it took me all of these 7 years to become more proficient at it!)
I have learned that pain and fear will make me wonderfully aroused, a combination that He uses to play me like an instrument.
I’ve learned that I’m not the only one feeling challenged by the things I need to do and the things I want to do, and that sometimes you just have to work through buckets of bullshit to make it work–the vanilla side of our lives will always be intrusive,(and rightly so–we shouldn’t let our sexy stuff affect the care of our families–‘Sorry Tommy, you can’t have dinner right now because my Master is making me stand in the corner’…er…no. That’s just not gonna fly!) and learning some kind of balance can only make us stronger.
I’ve learned that I have some really wicked fantasies that make me cum like I’m 18, but that I hope never come true…and that I’ll likely always be horny.
I’ve learned that no matter how this D/s thing works for me, it won’t be the perfect fit for anyone except for me. That there are those who will be horrified by my bruises, even while I’m excited again and again, and mourn just a little when they have faded away. This is true for any of us who do D/s in a public (of sorts) forum, such as blogging or twitter or whatever your particular social media vice is. This thing we do? It’s weird and shocking, alarming, appears abusive, is sexual, sexy, dirty, nasty, raw, and in your face. So my way will not be like your way…and yet all of our ways are right, because they are right for our particular situation.
Lastly, I learned that this community, full of flux, of bloggers stopping and bloggers coming back and old timers and newbies…all of us support one another, care about one another, have each other’s back. We, most of us, have much to lose if our faces or names are known to the vanilla world, yet we continually bolster each other and hold our secrets safe. This space, my blog, your blog, this is safe space, where we can share our joys and concerns, brag about our bruises, share our orgasmic moments.
I’ve learned that my readers are kind and funny and dirty and sexy and fun. Thank you for reading, for sticking with me even in these days when I am often too busy to put fingers to keyboard to write. I’m a few days away from my blogaversary, and feeling — feeling so good about this space I’ve had for so long. Through days of manic writing, and days with no energy to even feel sexy. It’s a roller coaster ride, to be sure. So hang on tight, or throw your arms upward with abandon…for here we go, ready for another year of fun!