Struggling

I know I’ve been absent for a while…I’ve missed not one but TWO Hnt’s, something I’ve not ever done since I started doing it.

I’m in relationship quandary, you see. Well, that’s part of my struggling, anyway.

What IS a relationship? When you start as strangers in a virtual world, then become intimate in the real one…when you speak or text at least once a day, but don’t see one another for more than 3 times in a calendar year…

I don’t know. I just don’t know how to define this new paradigm. It’s not Him, or not only. It’s me too, because I’m part and parcel of the change in our time availability. I love Him, and have forever. But I love my vanilla life, too.

There was a time I didn’t and was lost.

And then I found this dissolute way. A new way of thinking that brought me calm serenity, and self acceptance. A way that made me feel whole when I was broken. Like the Chinese pots mended with gold to accentuate the flaws and celebrate the beauty of the healed break, D/s and discovering being a painslut, and that …and gosh won’t this resonate for everyone…that I wasn’t alone.

I might be strange in the head, but by damn, so are a lot of people.

But when you’re a painslut and your drug is cut off, are you still able to wear the term, and to accept that part of yourself? I’ve filled the void missing from my D/s life–filled it with being vanilla busy, filled it with work.

So that when He cancels a playtime, or can’t make it to face time, I’m not felled by the disappointment like I was when it happened years ago when this was all new to me. And these days there are far to many missed times, and because i’m also submissive, just shrugging it off and telling him ‘that’s okay, I get it’..because I can fill that void with work, and more work, until I’m too exhausted to remember what it is I’m missing.

My D/s friends that carry over to my vanilla life will vouch for the fact that I’m an absolute wackjob when it comes to being busy. I can’t sit still. I can’t not work. I can’t not have something to do every minute of the day.

And I’m a fucking perfectionist and I hate that. I try really hard to not let that rule me, to accept that i’m not perfect, but it carries into my D/s life when I, essentially, lie when I tell him ‘that’s okay’.

Because it’s not.

It rips a hole in me, leaves a blank space that is a void. He used to be the only person who could fill that. But this year he’s been absent from my needs.

Wow. That’s NOT what I meant to write there. But my fingers just wrote it anyway.

He’s been absent from my needs this year.

And with that old “nature abhors a vacuum” axiom, things rush in to fill the gap. Extra things to do with my kids, things around the house to fix or do, and work. My work –I love it, but like anything loved to excess–obsession looms, right?

It keeps me sane, I tell my friends, explaining why I love what I do.

What i would say, if it weren’t vanilla friends is it keeps me from missing my connection with my Master.

But nilla.. He texts you at least once a day.

But nilla…you and he talk on the phone several times a week.

My gods I want to just stand out in my backyard and scream!!!

“IT’S NOT ENOUGH!”

Because this isn’t what I signed up for. This is not the relationship I envisioned.

NO.

This isn’t the relationship that I had.

And now it is.

And I’m just not sure anymore if it really is a relationship at all.

About vanillamom

For over 8 years--(EIGHT?!) nilla and M have been a D/s couple. I'm the "small s" side of that designation, as he often reminds me. I'm silly and prone to giggling at inopportune times. He's a wicked Sadist, who feeds me my drug of choice--pain. My brain is always spinning dirty and dark little fantasies, which I sometimes share with the world. Welcome to the nilla-verse. It's wet and slippery here...with a dragon or two lurking.
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9 Responses to Struggling

  1. Mythea says:

    Sending you extra hugs. I truly hope that your heart finds happiness…I love hearing your stories when you are happy, and since I know quite well the feeling of perfectionism to combat sorrow – I hope you have lots of people nearby to give you cuddles.

  2. abby says:

    Hugs…just hugs and wishes that you find or rediscover that relationship you need.
    hugs abby

  3. Melva says:

    I often wonder how anyone can be someone else’s “Master”, if that Masterly person isn’t engaged with those he is charged with being Master of. Seems like a game instead of a real person to person connnection, to me. And it sounds like the game has grown old, at least to him. I wish I could be more positive, but you already know (and show) that you don’t really need him in your real life. I hope you find a way to be happy with what you have had with him, and all that entailed, and can move forward with just keeping whatever lessons you got from him, in your heart. So sorry that you are hurting.

  4. ashlyroach says:

    All I want to do is come over and hug and give you s shoulder for your head. What you wrote bought a tear to my eye. And that is no shit. You are very brave to put your feelings open. Stay strong wish I could help you more. Hugs Ashley xxxx

  5. Jz says:

    As you know, I have a different-but-similar thing going on – and what it always boils down to for me is not so much, “is this a relationship?” but, “Am I ready to end whatever this is?”
    For me, the answer is still no, tho’ I assume that at some point that will change.
    I don’t know if reframing your question will help you or not.
    Whichever way, tho’, we’ve got your back.

  6. Isabel says:

    I completely understand. In the years I’ve read your blog, I’ve waffeled with this quandary in my own relationship. And I live with my daddy, so, on the surface one would think it wouldn’t be an issue.

    All I can send you is virtual hugs and that I know you’ll make the best choice for you. Cause really, you are the most important piece in this. And there’ll be no judgment.

  7. jadescastle says:

    i think the most salient part of what you wrote here is that simple truth that this is not enough, not meeting your needs. Can anything be done about that? If you were to prioritize him differently, would that create enough space to spend time together? i know that you really need the touch, the face-to-face time, the play, time to just reconnect. If you had that, i’m guessing everything would be right in your world again. Both of you will have to make adjustments to make that happen. It seems, to me, that you have a lot of years invested in him and he in you. i think something has got to give. Even if you had a few “this play date will not be cancelled for anything short of actual emergency” dates on your calendars, that would help a lot. Can you move in that direction? How? Many, many hugs.

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