I know I’ve been absent for a while…I’ve missed not one but TWO Hnt’s, something I’ve not ever done since I started doing it.
I’m in relationship quandary, you see. Well, that’s part of my struggling, anyway.
What IS a relationship? When you start as strangers in a virtual world, then become intimate in the real one…when you speak or text at least once a day, but don’t see one another for more than 3 times in a calendar year…
I don’t know. I just don’t know how to define this new paradigm. It’s not Him, or not only. It’s me too, because I’m part and parcel of the change in our time availability. I love Him, and have forever. But I love my vanilla life, too.
There was a time I didn’t and was lost.
And then I found this dissolute way. A new way of thinking that brought me calm serenity, and self acceptance. A way that made me feel whole when I was broken. Like the Chinese pots mended with gold to accentuate the flaws and celebrate the beauty of the healed break, D/s and discovering being a painslut, and that …and gosh won’t this resonate for everyone…that I wasn’t alone.
I might be strange in the head, but by damn, so are a lot of people.
But when you’re a painslut and your drug is cut off, are you still able to wear the term, and to accept that part of yourself? I’ve filled the void missing from my D/s life–filled it with being vanilla busy, filled it with work.
So that when He cancels a playtime, or can’t make it to face time, I’m not felled by the disappointment like I was when it happened years ago when this was all new to me. And these days there are far to many missed times, and because i’m also submissive, just shrugging it off and telling him ‘that’s okay, I get it’..because I can fill that void with work, and more work, until I’m too exhausted to remember what it is I’m missing.
My D/s friends that carry over to my vanilla life will vouch for the fact that I’m an absolute wackjob when it comes to being busy. I can’t sit still. I can’t not work. I can’t not have something to do every minute of the day.
And I’m a fucking perfectionist and I hate that. I try really hard to not let that rule me, to accept that i’m not perfect, but it carries into my D/s life when I, essentially, lie when I tell him ‘that’s okay’.
Because it’s not.
It rips a hole in me, leaves a blank space that is a void. He used to be the only person who could fill that. But this year he’s been absent from my needs.
Wow. That’s NOT what I meant to write there. But my fingers just wrote it anyway.
He’s been absent from my needs this year.
And with that old “nature abhors a vacuum” axiom, things rush in to fill the gap. Extra things to do with my kids, things around the house to fix or do, and work. My work –I love it, but like anything loved to excess–obsession looms, right?
It keeps me sane, I tell my friends, explaining why I love what I do.
What i would say, if it weren’t vanilla friends is it keeps me from missing my connection with my Master.
But nilla.. He texts you at least once a day.
But nilla…you and he talk on the phone several times a week.
My gods I want to just stand out in my backyard and scream!!!
“IT’S NOT ENOUGH!”
Because this isn’t what I signed up for. This is not the relationship I envisioned.
This isn’t the relationship that I had.
And now it is.
And I’m just not sure anymore if it really is a relationship at all.