New Year, Same Angst

I’m crabby (shocking no one, right?!) just now.

We’re in and out of sync these days. He’s feeling better and we’re trying to plan a playtime but now *I* am having health issues that need to heal/resolve. It’s making me nucking futs.



And just now my libido is in the hopper. My BRAIN knows this is a cycle. Sometimes we feel horny and sexy and wanton, and other times we don’t. Sometimes it’s simple stuff like life, and busy schedules, and low water intake. I’m smoothing out my schedule a bit. I’m drinking more water. But still…no horny.

Sometimes it’s cause can be non-sexual pain, right? Because you’re dealing with a specific body issue that needs time to heal. Sometimes it’s just seasonal funk. I’ve gone through these cycles before, but man, it’s just so FRUSTRATING.

In some ways I guess I’m worried. With my wife and I, we didn’t have sex for …a really long time (going on a dozen years now) and that’s part of how I fell into discovering my perverse sexuality. To understanding it. To understanding myself.

And now it feels like He and I are headed down that same path. It’s been a nucking YEAR since we had playtime. 365 days.THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY FIVE DAYS.  No sex. No beating. No nothing. Nada. Nyet.

I want to be mean. I want to text him that he’s just like my wife, no longer interested in me. And yet..I know it’s not true. Or not fully true. He was dealing with his own injuries after a car accident that left him shaken more than just physically. No one was seriously hurt, but it’s a trauma, let’s face it. And I don’t know about guys in general, but of the few I’ve known deeply? He ignores the physical stuff while dealing with all that needed to be handled.

And let the hurt be sublimated by that ‘must do’ list.

Until by mid-summer he was a hurting unit.

Playtime can’t happen when he can’t function without pain. I get it. I do. ESPECIALLY since I’m now dealing with my own thing. This getting older thing is NOT for wimps, my friends. 😀

But my body tends to fall into ‘hybernation’, sexually. If you don’t use it, you lose it, you know? I am down to using an orgasm just twice a month. I get one a week and mostly I’m like “eh, whatever” and I fall into bed and into sleep. Because I’ve filled up those needs with work, so I’m always tired, always.

And it’s freaking cold out.

And snowy.

And I just want to nestle under my blankies and doze. Yeah. Right. Fat chance of that happening. This is my bitch and whine, so I can dream, can’t I?

We haven’t even had face time in months. Months.

So I’m teetering on the fence. Is it not a priority for him or is he just acquiescing to the increasing demands on my time? If I ask him I’ll get one of two answers from him.

“Nothing has changed on my end, nilla.”

(which kind of pisses me off, really. Because things HAVE changed.)


“Nilla, I know you’re busy. I’m busy. I’m finally back to feeling better and now you’re not. What else can we do?”


Both responses fall into the ‘reasonable reply’ category. I get that. But dammit!

I *want* him to miss me, to be demanding of some of my time. I need to feel missed, damn him. I need to feel longed for. I need to feel a little bit of reciprocity of my feelings and needs from him.

And I’m not getting it.

Does he miss me?

Beats the hell outta me. (see what I did there?)

Does he want me?

(I can’t believe I’m even asking myself that.)

Does he care enough to push just a little bit to see me?

(I have no idea. I’d like to think so. I mean, 8 years into this gig, right?)

But really…does he miss me even a little teeny bit?

(He never gives straight answers, always the smartassy comebacks, so it’s hard to get a read on him. Having a serious conversation with him is very difficult. He defaults to sarcasm and joking.)

So I dunno where I’m going with this. It’s more just a rambling, I’m so tired I can’t see straight and NEED to go to bed, kind of post.

I may have put YOU to sleep after reading all this. 759 words of nilla crabbyapple.

Go me.



12 thoughts on “New Year, Same Angst

    1. Thanks darling…you know I appreciate your bumps.
      That sounds … weird.
      And yet I’m now laughing hysterically because of it.
      You know what I mean.

      Gods. I think I might actually need to go to bed now. LMBO!


    1. We’re getting there, abby. Mostly I need to baby it, and I don’t. Why carry one bag when you can carry ALLL the bags in one trip?? My joints LOVE when I do that. Ahem. Not. (I’m not alone in this, btw! I’ve done an informal poll and everyone I know is the same…”why make two trips when I can do it all at once?”)


    1. It’s so true, ancilla. It started because he couldn’t see me, so I filled that open void with work. Then there was more void…ergo more work. It’s how it goes, you know…nature abhors a vacuum. Yet on the several occasions I’d opened a spot, he’d decide at the last moment he couldn’t make it. Which, you know, makes one a tad irritable so after the 3rd time, I kind of stopped opening a spot because why fuck up my schedule if he wasn’t as invested as I was. Sigh. It becomes a vicious cycle.


  1. i hate that you are in this cycle. i literally cannot understand how your wife could possibly not desire you every second, or how he isn’t secretly pining away too. i wish i had something helpful to say but i don’t so (hugs). See what you can do to enjoy something in your body-a massage? mani-pedi? chocolate? i think he defaults to sarcasm because of how much you do matter, for what it is worth. ❤

    1. He does default to sarcasm, almost like he can deny anything really matters. He’s also a very “in the moment” person, so he doesn’t do much planning ahead. That’s changed a little bit, but not too much. And there’s an age gap, so if I’m hurting at my age how much more so is he hurting because he’s just that much older than me (I have NO idea how old he actually is!)


  2. Happy new year Nilla.😀 I hope you get all your hornyness back😍. Work cold and dark nights are not a thing for that.😝 In all honesty 1 year without any real satisfaction that is bollocks 🤔. Where there is a will there is always a way. It is so easy to talk around things. Wish I could help you. Hugs and get better soon 😘

    1. Thanks Ashly…a year without playtime sucks bigtime. It wasnt’ all his fault, or not directly. He had a physical ailment that kept him away…but gosh I miss the face time. Seeing him, touching him, etc. That’s all so necessary to keeping a relationship alive. I hope he sees that someday.


  3. I am so sorry you have been under the weather. And it really sucks that you and He can’t synch up. I hope everything gets better for you soon@

    1. Hi nuli’! Thanks for leaving a comment. I’m finally up to snuff…it was a tough cold, but I won! 😀 Yes, this modern era that was supposed to make everything “easy”…hasn’t! We’re all so damned busy!

      Hopefully we’ll get some face time, eventually.


I'm so glad you took the time to leave some words!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.