I’m crabby (shocking no one, right?!) just now.
We’re in and out of sync these days. He’s feeling better and we’re trying to plan a playtime but now *I* am having health issues that need to heal/resolve. It’s making me nucking futs.
And just now my libido is in the hopper. My BRAIN knows this is a cycle. Sometimes we feel horny and sexy and wanton, and other times we don’t. Sometimes it’s simple stuff like life, and busy schedules, and low water intake. I’m smoothing out my schedule a bit. I’m drinking more water. But still…no horny.
Sometimes it’s cause can be non-sexual pain, right? Because you’re dealing with a specific body issue that needs time to heal. Sometimes it’s just seasonal funk. I’ve gone through these cycles before, but man, it’s just so FRUSTRATING.
In some ways I guess I’m worried. With my wife and I, we didn’t have sex for …a really long time (going on a dozen years now) and that’s part of how I fell into discovering my perverse sexuality. To understanding it. To understanding myself.
And now it feels like He and I are headed down that same path. It’s been a nucking YEAR since we had playtime. 365 days.THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY FIVE DAYS. No sex. No beating. No nothing. Nada. Nyet.
I want to be mean. I want to text him that he’s just like my wife, no longer interested in me. And yet..I know it’s not true. Or not fully true. He was dealing with his own injuries after a car accident that left him shaken more than just physically. No one was seriously hurt, but it’s a trauma, let’s face it. And I don’t know about guys in general, but of the few I’ve known deeply? He ignores the physical stuff while dealing with all that needed to be handled.
And let the hurt be sublimated by that ‘must do’ list.
Until by mid-summer he was a hurting unit.
Playtime can’t happen when he can’t function without pain. I get it. I do. ESPECIALLY since I’m now dealing with my own thing. This getting older thing is NOT for wimps, my friends. 😀
But my body tends to fall into ‘hybernation’, sexually. If you don’t use it, you lose it, you know? I am down to using an orgasm just twice a month. I get one a week and mostly I’m like “eh, whatever” and I fall into bed and into sleep. Because I’ve filled up those needs with work, so I’m always tired, always.
And it’s freaking cold out.
And I just want to nestle under my blankies and doze. Yeah. Right. Fat chance of that happening. This is my bitch and whine, so I can dream, can’t I?
We haven’t even had face time in months. Months.
So I’m teetering on the fence. Is it not a priority for him or is he just acquiescing to the increasing demands on my time? If I ask him I’ll get one of two answers from him.
“Nothing has changed on my end, nilla.”
(which kind of pisses me off, really. Because things HAVE changed.)
“Nilla, I know you’re busy. I’m busy. I’m finally back to feeling better and now you’re not. What else can we do?”
Both responses fall into the ‘reasonable reply’ category. I get that. But dammit!
I *want* him to miss me, to be demanding of some of my time. I need to feel missed, damn him. I need to feel longed for. I need to feel a little bit of reciprocity of my feelings and needs from him.
And I’m not getting it.
Does he miss me?
Beats the hell outta me. (see what I did there?)
Does he want me?
(I can’t believe I’m even asking myself that.)
Does he care enough to push just a little bit to see me?
(I have no idea. I’d like to think so. I mean, 8 years into this gig, right?)
But really…does he miss me even a little teeny bit?
(He never gives straight answers, always the smartassy comebacks, so it’s hard to get a read on him. Having a serious conversation with him is very difficult. He defaults to sarcasm and joking.)
So I dunno where I’m going with this. It’s more just a rambling, I’m so tired I can’t see straight and NEED to go to bed, kind of post.
I may have put YOU to sleep after reading all this. 759 words of nilla crabbyapple.