No, it’s not going to be vagina, though the thought did cross my dirty little mind, naturally! Nor will it be vulva, virtual, va-va-va-voom (another close contender!), or even the victorious I teased you with in the title.
Today I’m choosing Vanilla for my word of the day.
So many times I read “vanilla” in sex blogs like a sneer, or a put-down. “Vanilla’s don’t appreciate/do/understand…” and you can fill in the rest with whatever. And hey, I’ve done it myself in stories. Because if enough people say it, it must be an overweening truth, right?
It’s true that many vanilla’s don’t do the dark and dirty and dangerous things that those of us with certain proclivities enjoy. But even vanilla’s have feelings. Right?
Truth is, I owe a certain amount of homage to being a vanilla. Like growing up in a certain faith tradition, or with certain rules, it gave me something to “push back on” when it came to my sexuality. I always had certain fantasies. I always had a dirty mind. I always dreamed of being in certain situations. The darker, the better for my erotic fascinations.
But good girls–vanilla girls–don’t have those sorts of fantasies, right?
Explain then, the massive appeal of 50 Shades of Gray. Sure, sure, I know what you’re going to say, it was a terrible book with no plot, no basis in D/s reality. But D/s reality is different for each of us, isn’t it? Maybe it worked for whatsername and Mr. Gray because it was their particular dynamic. Whatever, I’m not trying to argue the semantics of that novel nor movie! My point is that a HUGE amount of people read that book over the summer and fall after it was released. People, particularly women, gobbled it down the way people used to consume Jackie Collin’s books when I was younger. People really are fascinated with this stuff.
Would they ever do it? Who knows. That’s not the point, though. The point is that some vanilla verge into this alternative universe, if you will, by virtue of those sort of books. Some may discover an enjoyment of spanking. Others could be attracted to bondage. Does that make them a D/s couple? Perhaps only in the most vanilla of ways, but still. It’s a step onto the path, (the road to hell?) right?
Nine years ago I would have told you that you were a freaking idiot if you’d said (in some prescient fashion) that I’d be writing a couple of sex blogs, some dark and dirty stuff at times. I’d have laughed you in the face, and walked away thinking you were a dork.
I was a very vanilla vanilla. Wasn’t I?
I only found my first few D/s blogs via a typo. Which led me to a porn site, which led me to another porn site, which had a blogroll on the side…and the rest is history. I was reading tons of pornographic stories so very badly written (not that I’m writing War and Peace, mind you!) that it inspired me to take a chance, to step outside of my vanilla norm and find a new side to myself. It gave me the language, the “shape” if you will, of what those fantasies I’d carried inside my head meant. All of this helped me define all those strange and sultry needs that I’d pushed aside for decades. Yes. Decades.
I worked at it, this being vanilla thing. I ignored those dark yearnings, knew I was weird for thinking about them. Yup, I knew I wasn’t quite “normal” about my sexual deviance. But I tried very hard to shut it down and at least on the surface, I was a very vanilla vanilla.
And some parts of me still are, I guess. It’s a yin-yang thing, and I’ve found a balance between the dark side of me and the vanilla side. They overlap in places, and bump up in others. I’m not 100% anything, I guess. Who is, really? We’re all amalgams of our experiences, wants, and needs. No dom is ever 100% asshole, beating on some person. No sub is ever 100% a doormat, boot licking submissive.
The bills have to be paid. The car needs gas. The subway tickets need purchasing. Food must be bought and prepared. Families must visit, dogs must be walked, gardens must be planted, and life happens.
Sure there can be a D/s component to nearly all I wrote above. But it takes work and dedication and a certain mindset to make it work all the way, all the time. I’m not saying it’s impossible, not at all. I am saying it’s less likely to find that couple (or poly group) who can sustain it.
So here’s to the vanilla girl I was, who made it possible for me to really, deeply explore the other side of who I am. She was a good girl. She is a good girl. She’s responsible for many things, and handles those responsibilities with gusto (if not always with grace). And here’s to her shadow, who has learned that it’s okay to share the spotlight with the lighter side..because without her there would be no dark shadowy side at all.