Cycles

This unkinky feeling…I’ve had it before, as you know if you’ve read here any length of time. I would say that many of my kinky friends have gone through this too. Some are out of kink permanently, and some are just in stasis.

Whether it’s life events keeping us in vanilla mode, or a partner’s issues, or our own, it seems inevitable that one cannot sustain the full-bore D/s life as depicted in porn. No one is kinky all the time…perhaps in thought, but in deed? Not so much. Perhaps if one were independently wealthy (hmmm, and where have we heard of that before? Here? In other writing? Yeah, it seems that only the idle rich could have time for such self-indulgence!) one could maintain that lifestyle, but the rest of us? We have to put food on the table, and pay bills, and insurance, and mortgages or rent. We’re all in some mode of “life” and sometimes that simply precludes kink.

Which is not to say that some of our mundane life could be kinky. Himself suggested a few weeks ago when I was being particularly sassy and un-sub-like, that perhaps i’d like to wear a butt plug up my ass for one of my jobs. Or nipple clamps. And then he laughed, that evil chuckle, and I got wet…and that was the beginning, and end, of that thought.

Kink is great in ideas. Doms are always on the prowl (one imagines!) for perverting even those simple day to day things into something pervy. And it’s great if it manifests. And also inconvenient and sexy and annoying and wonderful…all of that. But it takes effort. He’s older, I’m older, we’re both extremely busy, and there simply isn’t time.

Or we don’t/can’t/won’t make time. That’s both of us. This doesn’t fall solely on his shoulders, I bear a responsibility to our kink as well. What we need is face time, and sometimes I forget that during this absolutely wonderful, crazy, busy, exciting time of the year, is that time is more precious than platinum. We don’t have a lot of it freely hanging around. Sometimes I find myself filled with wonder that my kids have time to just sit and be, because I’m busy all the damn time! And I look at all I do, and things I can delegate, I do. But is everything I do totally necessary? Does it pass the 1 year test (will it be important a year from now?)? And yes, for much of it. I loathe piles of laundry hanging around. So that needs doing. Can I live without doing something? For a while. But I’m way more OCD about stuff like that (in my own home, I’m not judging anyone else here!).

What I’m bumbling along saying is that I have a hard time letting go of the “to do’s” and prioritizing what is a “must do” from that pile of stuff on my list. And if D/s time is at the bottom of that list? It keeps taking a back seat to all the others.

Part of that comes on to him here. Whenever I manage to carve out free time? He doesn’t have it. Can’t/won’t shift things. And then I fill up that space, and the next time there’s free space, I don’t even ask.

So while I’m silent screaming over here about kinklessness, I’m also caught in my own triangle of causing it!

And I don’t have a solution except…wait for January. And I’m still on doctor restrictions through the end of December so that plays a role. *huge sigh* See what keeps chasing around in my head? It’s hard to stay sane when I can’t create workable solutions to problems that i’m at least 50% responsible for!

And you may have noticed that I don’t wait very well, either.

*grin*

Impatient slut? Yeah. If the stiletto fits …

About vanillamom

For over 8 years--(EIGHT?!) nilla and M have been a D/s couple. I'm the "small s" side of that designation, as he often reminds me. I'm silly and prone to giggling at inopportune times. He's a wicked Sadist, who feeds me my drug of choice--pain. My brain is always spinning dirty and dark little fantasies, which I sometimes share with the world. Welcome to the nilla-verse. It's wet and slippery here...with a dragon or two lurking.
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3 Responses to Cycles

  1. I know how you feel. It just sucks. There are so many days that I wish that I could clear my head of the desire, it doesn’t happen. Still enjoy the thoughts no matter what, and look forward to stories from my favorite author of kink. Tip

    • vanillamom says:

      That desire is both wonderful and painful, the ultimate proof that we’re alive, I guess. I’m sorry you’ve been needy. I get that allll too well.

      nilla

  2. Pingback: Darkness and Dirty Girls #SoSS #5 - Rebel's Notes

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