We Have a Plan!

Sometimes I lose faith in what we…or maybe that should say W/we, are. I’ve been pretty good about not being whiney but yanno…it’s been 8 months since I’ve seen my Master.

Yes.

EIGHT. FUCKING. MONTHS.

Sure we text a few times a day (like, good morning, good night, and some days a flurry of notes back and forth)…and I try to be respectful of his time, but sometimes it feels like I’m driving the relationship thing forward (or off a cliff?) all by myself. If I didn’t text him for a day, he wouldn’t write. Then,  I get all pissed and mad and think to myself,

well fine. (no, that should be in caps in full snarky mental voice) F I N E. He doesn’t want to reach out to -me-, and I have to instigate ALL communication, so fuck him. 

I do that. Yes, sad but true, nilla is not a perfect little princess of a slut.

Now, bear in mind that all this is all happening between my own ears, and actually reflects nothing in our relationship in the real world.  In the past I would act on impulse and snarkfest him with a shit-ton of texts saying things like:

okay you don’t like me anymore okayfine

sure sure don’t reply, i don’t matter

whatever. i’m sure you’ve got more important things going on than replying/showing you care/calling the slut who’s been yours for YEARS

And on it would go. Then he wouldn’t reply to any of that, and eventually we’d talk, and he’d say

“nilla, what has changed? Hasn’t this been the way of us all this time? Sometimes I’m busy, and can’t reply. But nothing has changed. I’m still your M. You’re still my slut. All is well.”

So now I just repeat that in my head when the nerves fester up and explode…’he hasn’t called or texted and he mustn’t need me anymore’…is covered over by

‘nilla, nothing has changed…’

and it helps. Because I hear his voice saying it, and it stops the freefall.

But because I was feeling…lost? I dunno. Adrift. There, that’s a better word…I did send him a text mid-week:

‘are we still even a thing anymore? all we seem to say is good morning and good night…sigh

And he replied right away to that.

yeah it’s a problem – we are both pulled in many directions – we’ll work it out.

and I had to add my two cents

I hope so. We are pulled apart by life and I get that. I just miss you.

note the forlorn, sad voice there. Then M, being the M he is, and who knows exactly how to snap me out of my funk says

Keep that thought when I’m beating you.

And with that, the sun comes back out, I smile, and I know that everything will be okay again–eventually. And with that in mind, I shoot him a text a day or so ago and tell him I’m feeling desperately needy (do all you Domly types love to hear that?!), and he pulls a date out of the air and damn if it isn’t an open day on MY calendar too! So, peeps, we have a playdate in 2 weeks.

TWO WEEKS!

Of course, now I’m feeling old (sorry Jz) and fat (sorry Olivia) and gross. Me, who is usually totally not worried about this shit in normal life. So what, I shrug, I’m round. So what, I say with a smile, I’m short. So what, I’m coming to a fucking HUGE birthday in a matter of months and the wrinkles are popping. (that one still kinda makes my knees shake a bit…still growing older certainly beats the Big Dirt Nap!)

I have to *consciously* remind myself that he doesn’t care about that shit. I’m sure he’d be thrilled with a slender(er) submissive who was 30 years younger …hell, I wouldn’t say no if a genii appeared and offered that, but you know what? I love and adore him, but… he’s got his own wrinkles, his own messy hair, his own tummy.  Neither of us are winning beauty contests here. We’re not in this for the (what I call) “glam-porn” where every tit is perky and bouncy, and every torn blouse is arty and sexy. Nope, just two old farts who will have the *best* time banging on one another (and banging one another!)…until I’m begging him to stop making me cum…and he’s refusing to stop.

Ah. See? You’ve all let me vent and now I’m not feeling so terribly gross after all. It’s not about the looks…it’s about the actions, the way we make one another feel, and being together. It may be an odd way to show love for one another, but really, when all is said and done, I’m okay with that!

 

10 thoughts on “We Have a Plan!

  1. Oh, yay for play time coming up soon!! That’s lovely. i’m so excited for you. 8 months is a long time to wait, but i know it will have been worth it.

    1. Keep those fingers crossed my friend! I am trying to not be too anticipating…I know it’s my default-“just in case so I won’t be crushed if it falls through” (I’m still crushed)..but I feel it will work this time. Thanks for caring. I know you’ve been without for a long time too.

      Hug,
      nilla

  2. I was having my own, similar musing yesterday about how looks really don’t have that much to do with it. So I’m gla I don’t have to drive to your house and bring out the 2 x 4…
    😀
    But I’m very pleased that his responses were so on point.
    AND that you have a date!!!!

    *smiling for you*

    1. Thanks for not driving here with your trusty 2X4!! I mostly have snapped out of it, and this past week, I’ve felt every single hour of my life…I think the return of cold and snowy weather not only affected my mood (gosh I was a ripe bitch, frankly) but it affected me physically…not enough to need meds or a dr. visit, but enough that knees ached, and toes, and fingers…all those (ahem) old age places. After having a full day to putter around the house here, (albeit NOT in my gardens!) I’m feeling much better…and it didn’t snow today! Thanks for the smiling caring!

      hugs,

      nilla

  3. good luck for your playtime Nilla..
    i strongly feel i can relate to you in so many ways :-*
    take care and stay fit to turn blue-brown and red!

    1. thanks colors! I’m finding it’s a very relate-able thing… I watch snippets of porn, or at least scroll through my feed on tumblr, and gosh dang it, every one of those girls is perfect (until messed up, of course). But those fat perky tits, the tight asses? So not me. But I’m breathing, and he does love pinching my poor flabby belly…(he laughs so hard when I wriggle and try to get away from those pincers that he calls fingers..)

      peace,

      nilla

  4. You made me laugh…as I was nodding my head. M has been known to refer to us..and the two old….and looking it…folks who sure do know how to please each other, and out cum many of the youngun’s. Brings me out of my whining…14 days (or less now) and old and wrinkles will be the last thing on your mind..hugs abby

    1. thanks abby! It’s true, the wrinkles and round belly aren’t what matters at all. We both know I came to kink very late in life, so every time is an adventure and that’s the best part! I don’t want to go out of this life all perfect–I want to use up every bit of this wonderful life that I have.
      Hugs,

      nilla

  5. hurray for play date. 8 months. you’re a saint. i would have died by now. and not texting. i’d have freefallen multiple times over. you’re a goddess. have a good ol jolly bangfest. and that bit about snapping you out of it – clever he is.

    1. I know. I’m less a saint, and more taking my share of the blame. Family and life have taken huge chunks of time…and there have been a few times when I feel all “forget it, I don’t *need* this anymore, anyway”…that lasts about five minutes…haha.

      Clever he is…and hurt me he will.

      I can hardly wait!

      nilla

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