It feels good when you start with a title like that (points to header), and can smile. Because I’ve already worked through most of what was making me feel grumbly/grumpy.
We don’t fight. We discuss. He doesn’t respond to angry texts or accusations or temperment. He’ll wait me out until I finally blow through it and feel bad and then we usually talk, not text, our way through it. I’ve learned that over the years, and really, things have gone along pretty smoothly overall in our more recent times.
But HE wanted to have playtime. HE initiated it, demanded that I find time in June. Uh…okay. I wanted it, I did. Juggling my schedule is always a challenge, since I work pretty much some of every day of the week. Which isn’t to say I can’t make it happen, it just takes planning.
So I did.
And when I gave him the date, He backpedaled. No other word for it, really. He had stuff going on. He had this. He had that.
Okay, I get it.
But man, it did seriously annoy me. I might admit that I threw my hands up in the air and said to myself, “fine, don’t make ME a priority. FINE.”
And realized that he might feel the same way when I can’t automatically reschedule my shit.
Man, being grownup sometimes sucks. I so wanted to blame him. Fry him up on a platter and …I dunno. But…
I did tell him I was annoyed.
“I thought you were sick,” he says.
uhm. well. err…
Yeah. I am. Still. Fucking. Sick. (third time this year, wtf??!) 13 days but who’s counting, right? I can’t do anything physical without coughing my head off. Walk upstairs? Gasp. Cough. Die a little.
That last bit may have been a little exaggeration.
But I have been pretty damn sick, and I wasn’t taking that into account. In part because I haven’t talked to him in like…three weeks? (my fault, no voice for a week will do that, right?)
ANYWAY…before I go maundering off into sympathy land, we’ve…I’ve…worked through it. And back into a peaceful place. And he didn’t even have to yank me a little bit to get there, either. Sometimes I just build up these scenarios in my head.
“I’m too old.”
“I’m too fat.”
“I’m too …”
….for Him to be wanting me anymore.
FUCK THOSE TAPES!!
Why do they still play in my head? Why do I let them. NOTHING HAS CHANGED FROM HIS SIDE OF THINGS. He’d tell me if he was done. If he was over the D/s thing.
I know this because I did ask him that a month ago.
He wants me. Wants to hurt me, wants to be with me, wants to fuck me. He doesn’t care that I’m ten years older that when we met. That I’m round. That I’m short. That I’m anything other than me.
He likes me.
He maybe even loves me.
(You know He loves me.)
So, in and out of the dark place and quickly. Kicking my own self in the ass for being an ass. 😀
Oh, and one more thing. We have playtime scheduled. It’s July but that’s okay. I should be better by then. I want to be in excellent health when he beats the holy fuck out of me.