We’re working through it. There have been downs and some ups. I gave him very blunt and hard words. He gave me silence.
That infuriates me, btw. How the hell can you fix anything with silence? At this point in our relationship..NINE years…we should be well and truly over this. And yes, I gave HIM silence for a week, but only because he was NOT listening to what I was saying, and kept trying to be “funny” about something that was not at all humorous.
We’re still talking. Not much chance to see one another until early next year. My schedule gets super jammed around the holidays–as i’m sure most of you can relate to. The man is doing some stuff. It just can’t work.
He’s still pissed at me, but not like he’s going to fly off the handle kind of mad? He never does anything out of anger. (Which bothers me some, I admit. Because the opposite of any reaction seems like apathy to me, and that’s the death knell in any relationship, isn’t it?)
And really, I hope it works out for us. I admit to not being very submissive lately. I was very nearly Dommy when I told him off about things he was saying that were annoying because they were teenage boy humor, and had nothing to do with Dominance or submission or fucking or anything relationship building.
I’ve got zero patience for stupid shit, and that’s a bald fact.
I’m NOT looking for another dom. I just … I’m losing my feelings of submission because I’m too damn busy to even care these days. I know. I kind of gasped too, when I thought it. Am I growing out of it? Was submission a phase? Am I merely a painslut, getting off on being hurt, but not necessarily feeling all subby about it?
I don’t know. I haven’t had much occasion to offer submission, and I guess I’m not willing to fully do that. He’s not the kind of dom who wants me on my knees in servitude. I am not the kind of sub (anymore) that craves giving that.
Just fuck me, will ya?
Just hit me, will ya?
Make me cry. Make me cum. Make me crave more of it. More pain. More sensation overload. Mix the pain with the pleasure and make the pleasure pain. I need that. I really need it. Maybe when that well is full once more, instead of being dry as dust, maybe then I’ll start to feel submissive. Maybe I won’t.
But by damn, I want to feel…something.