Slut, Interrupted

So, I did it. The thing I was most dreading, going through my slut phone (which has not been connected to receive texts/phone calls since the pandemic/financial crisis), through all the old pictures I sent to Himself, ones of playtimes, and teasing photos…you know the kind.

I deleted them.

Well, 99.9%. I saved two to my email account but they’re off that phone now, anyway. The only thing I can do with that phone is cruise the depraved world of tumblr. You know, so I can get myself off, as one does.

I went through my toy bag and slut clothing too. I mean, what if I got Covid and died and my family had to go through my shit? I would roll over in my grave, die yet again, from embarrassment, yanno? So I threw out EVERY piece of slutwear. Things I’d been collecting for nearly a decade. I threw out toys that He had gifted/tortured me with, threw out old vibes that had died. Threw so, so, SO many things away. Now, I have just three vibes, and the Hitachi, of course. And that rather large pile of stuff to go? I put the bag into the bottom of the trash barrel and it was picked up over a month ago. I really could not make myself write this until now

Then, task done, I went to bed, and cried.

*sigh* I was sad, and lost and lonely and sad and missing my M, and wondering what next for this slut?

Mind you, I’m not looking for a new Dom. I simply don’t have the time to devote to another person. With kids home, wife and I busy all the time…there isn’t a single, unbudgeted bit of time for anything other than my vanilla life. I’m working 12 hour days 4 days a week, then 8 hours the other 3. Stay busy, stay financially afloat, stay ahead of the pain of losing this other half of myself.

And…Yeah.

I cut my hair last year.

All those long locks, shorn short in the very old fashioned symbol of grief. It was the first step in mourning this tremendous loss. No word from Him in months (nearly a year now). No idea what happened, if he’s still alive and kicking, if he gave up on me, if he…I just…don’t know.

And yanno, I’m not a cute young thing anymore. Not that that matters to the right Dom, I know that. But I don’t feel physically attractive (and mostly don’t even care…I’m more than my short hair and round belly). And the other part is that getting older comes with it’s own sets of pain and aches, and though I am a pain-loving slut, right now? Playing with a new Dom? It would just be too much trouble.

I think when you think something that should be thrilling and exciting is “too much trouble” it’s time to take a break from it. So I’m stepping away. Mostly. Because the brain is a curious thing. It brings up these memories at the strangest times.

On my way home from work tonight, I was remembering how he would bite my nipples. He’d twist them with his teeth, sucking hard enough to make me think that they’d pull right off my tit. Oh my gawd it hurt so much. So good. My nipples would be bruised red and so sensitive for days. And now as I write this, just like when I was driving, my pussy throbs, and I feel.

I feel.

Horny, twitchy, needy.

He did that to me, and rather than thinking of it as a curse, I’m choosing to call it a good feeling, a good memory. That even now, those memories can rouse me, and make me want.

Yes, tears come occasionally.

And yes, so do those stirring needs.

This slut is…interrupted. Not “over it”. Not “never again”. Not “I can’t”. It’s still there, still in me, still will need to get out somehow, someway, someday.

Because I am a horny, needy little girl inside an older woman’s body. Still, now, and always.

~nilla~

5 thoughts on “Slut, Interrupted

  1. A very moving bit of introspection that you posted. I know it took a lot out of you to write this. Heartbreak has no immunity. It comes back. Maybe the tears will wash it away. Hugs

  2. Oh my heart still aches for you. That was so honest, and it was humbling to read your thoughts and feelings. But you sound like you’ve got a very secure head on your shoulders. And I agree, that when it’s “too much trouble” then step away. And one day, maybe, it wont be too much trouble no more.

  3. “Slut, Redefined”…?
    Despite the weird-ass ending, what you two had was good and real for a long time. I’m glad you’re not throwing out all the good years with the painful conclusion.

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