What to Call A Break-Up Post?

I can’t call it “heavy-hearted” because tonight, at this moment in time, I’m..nothing. I’m not angry or sad or happy or …anything. Not even numb. I’m out of rhythm with my body and mind, and I’m …maybe just holding space here.

I’ve not “formally” broken up with M.

But it’s close.

Last week he said something that I just find reprehensible. He was trying to be humorous in that offbeat way of his that I have often found both irritating and funny. This was not funny at all. 

I texted that to him, just “not funny”.

He didn’t reply/respond to that for 24 hours, and when he did it was as if none of that other had happened, was a “quirky” attempt a humor about something he saw at starbucks.

Like…I give two fucks about that? Let’s deal with what’s on the table here. But I know myself, and knew that if I had replied like that he’d fuff me off, ‘oh nilla, you’re just being overly sensitive like you get all the time’…which is both untrue and definitely not in this case.

I didn’t write back.

In point of fact, I’ve neither written nor spoken to him in five days and nights. He’s written one other time, again a “humorous” vignette type of thing, which I didn’t even finish reading, frankly. Until or unless he’s willing to man up and say something about his remark, I’m not going to communicate.

The thing is, I’m not sure I can continue with him. This was really an unforgivable sort of thing to say to anyone. After nine years with him, I think I may just be done.

I’m not feeling submissive, or…anything. Not sad, not lost, not angry. I’m being level headed, and calm and…holding space for those emotions. Maybe in stasis until I know from him what’s in his mind.

I hate just giving up.

But this time, I’d hate giving in even more.

Sex Cravings

I must be feeling better. Despite the continued presence of “chipmunk cheek”…I have more energy, and some very dirty thoughts going on. Tuesday night I was wiped out –way too much to even consider having an Orgasm…and my Master very kindly gave me a verbal head pat and a “good slut” for deciding to put recovery ahead of my pussy.


…i do love, love, love those little “atta-sluts”…

I only take the heavy duty stuff when I’m in bed, so I didn’t even really *miss* the O last night (and isn’t that a sad turn of events?!). But today? Today I’ve been up and painting for 5 hours (thank goddess, the home renovation is )*( that close to completion!) before calling it a day. In a bit I’ll head to work and then when I get back home, I’ll take stock and see if that O still wants to pop.

The sex cravings take funny form. There is, of course, that funny tingle between my legs. But there are also what I call “situational fantasies” that crop up as I’m doing the most mundane of things. Once I have time to just sit and write for a few hours with a clear mind, I’ll have some juicy nasty things to share…:)

I have a few snippets…I tend to see a lot of my stories like movies in my head…hands overhead, wrapped tightly in rough hemp rope; a silver ass hook gleaming on the table just at the edge of vision, picking up the only wee bit of light that shines in the room; toes cramping as she is forced to stand like that…minutes? hours?; a vibrator placed right there against her, just up enough to titilate and not push over the edge…what I call “irritation arousal”.

There are darker things, too- but I’ll leave those to your imaginings until I bring them out to play.

In another 4 weeks, Master and nilla will have some playtime…until then, I’ll have to play with His voice on the phone, and my toys to ease those sex cravings.

Oh yes, I’m feeling much better….and much hornier…every minute.


Thank You…and Blessed Be

Lots of feedback about my ponderings the other day, and I wanted to say thank you. Glad to know I am not alone having these midnight mental ramblings.

I promise to respond to all of your delightful comments at some point soon…weekends are always fairly frenetic around here, and I have a writing assignment for Sunday that Master has told me must be done by tomorrow, a work of fiction to be posted here before midnight.

I love when He does that to me. 🙂

I wanted to wish you all a blessed Autumn (or Spring for those of you living other side of the equatorial line!). For us living in the Northern Hemisphere, this is the season for change. Some are subtle, like the days growing incrementally shorter. Some are more obvious. Cold snaps that mean the heat has to pop on, even just for the morning. Trees begin to pop with color.  There’s already a lot of color in the Northeast, a wee bit earlier than in the last few years. And so many other things that bespeak Fall–raking, and pumpkins and hay bales on the front step…and those assortment of odd-looking gourds that we’d never think about eating, yet put decoratively around the house or yard. Who thought that  putting weird shiny vegetables with warts on them was “decorative”? Hmmm? *shudders* They look like aliens to me. *nods* Well, they do!

I’ve had change too…lost 10 pounds, and cut my hair dramatically. (Yes, I did!)

Wishing you dry air and plentiful sunshine (well, not at night mind you…else we’ll be back to the whole “sun going supernova” thought from the other night, won’t we? *grin*), and a bountiful harvest, whatever you have sown this summer.

As for me, I’ve counted my blessings and they are profuse. There’s you all, and my heartsisters, and my subsisters. There is my family, of course, that almost goes without saying.

And woven through the fabric of everything is Master. He is part of every inhalation I take, a part of every pulse of blood that slips through my veins. He fills me, takes me to new places, dares me, challenges me, makes me sweat, makes me tremble, fills me with joy.

Blessed Mabon, one and all.